Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Two characters from Sholay
Character 1- “Arre bhai..yeh ‘talent’  kya hota hai?”
Character 2- “Joh Rohit Sharma ke paas hai, aur duniya ke kisi bhi cricketer ke pass nahi hai, usse ‘talent’ kehte hai”

Meanwhile, immediately after India’s last World Cup t20 match against SA in Sri Lanka,
Rohit Sharma (RS)– In our last match of t20 world cup against SA, I scored 25 runs in 27 balls.
Commentators– RS played a highly useful knock of 25 runs in 27 balls. This is an excellent T20 strike rate. What a classy  player this guys is!
Selectors– With the excellent performance of Rohit Sharma in T20 world cup, we have decided to pick him for the all the series for coming 1 year.
Kohli Why the hell do you keep taking him? He hardly scores runs. I am tired of always scoring all the runs for my team. When will Rohit Sharma start scoring runs?
Selectors– It doesn’t matter if he scores or not. He is talented. So we keep taking him

Rohit Sharma– Yaar…I have no clue why these selectors keep taking me? Even if I score 30 runs in an ODI, they claim that I am in form and take me for all the series for next 6 months.I have never scored a single century or match winning knock against big opponents like Australia, SA, or even England. All my big innings were against West indies, Zimbabwe etc
My overall career ODI batting average against aussies is 21.44, against SA is 15.00, against England is 25.00, against Srilanka is 24.31. Then why the hell am I selected again and again? I just want to earn money, show lot of attitude, act in ads etc. I get all these from IPL. Please spare me from national team.
RS fans – We love you because you are so talented.
Rohit SharmaYaar…I only want to play IPL as I earn so much money out of it. I play excellently in IPL and hardly score runs in international cricket. Why do you guys keep selecting me in the national team? I tried my level best to stay outside, but you still keep selecting me 😦

Selectors/RS fans– But you are so talented !
Rohit SharmaTalented ki **@#@%(^%$#. Mujhe aaj tak samjha nahi…yeh talent kya cheez hai?
Rahane/Tiwary/all other youngstersYaar…humko kab lenge team mein? RS is taken for all ODI matches, inspite of he never performing.
Selectors/RS fans– Shut up you all…RS is taken because he is talented. He is not supposed to score runs.

Rohit Sharma– Ok…so this is it. Till I have my idiotic fans , caption fool and senseless selectors, I am going to be in this Indian team for another 10 years. I just need to play 2-3 copy book shots and at max score 20-30 runs and these fools select me for another 10-20 matches. I have been doing this since past 5 years and will continue doing that for another 10 years”.
Rahane/Tiwary/all other youngsters– Sighhhh 😦

Cheers,
Deepesh Chandran

My name is Tintu. I am a boy. I am 5 years old.

My teacher has given me homework to write an essay on my favorite animal. So here I go..

There are many animals in this world. Dog is an animal. My friend Shantanu is writing an essay on dog, but I don’t like dogs. My neighbor’s dog Rocky barks very loudly and I can’t hear my Pogo channel properly because of its barking.

Thus my favorite animal is the whale. The whale is very big animal. I have seen the whale on the TV. I like it, because it doesn’t bark like Rocky.  A whale lives for 200 years. It has no friends, because all his friends keep on dying as they live only for 10-20 years. It is really boring , living for so long. I like to eat fish, but I can’t eat fish with single hands. My Mom scolds me for using both hands, while eating any fish. I want to eat whale one day. I am not sure how I can eat that using with one hand!

Whale is taller than by my ‘Eliptic Tower’ building, where I stay. Whale is very strong, slow swimmer and fat. It is as strong as ‘The hulk’. If we go inside the stomach of the whale, it is very dark and big. It is like sitting inside INOX multiplex. Dolphin is the small cousin brother of the whale. Dolphin acted in the movie ‘Ajooba’ played on Zee Cinema and whale acted in ‘Free Willy’ played on HBO. It is because dolphins understand Hindi and whales understand English.

My friend Bunty said he rode on a whale , when he had gone to Goa. Bunty said that he has house next to Salman , Hritik, Great Khali, Doreomon and Dhoni. He meets them daily. Bunty told us that it is very easy to ride a whale. He did it all alone.Bunty even showed his photo with the whale. The photo showed he swimming in the water. He said the whale was under the water when the pic was taken,so it couldn’t come in the pic.

The whale does swimming the entire day. In-spite of doing so much swimming, the whale is still so fat. Even I go to swimming in my club house. I told my Dad that we can purchase a whale and keep him in our club house swimming pool. If the whale doesn’t fit in it, then we can cut, cook and eat it.

Whale is the king of fishes. It is also the national fish of India. Crow is the national bird of India. Dog is the national animal of India. When I grow big, I will purchase a lot of whales and keep them in a big aquarium. The name of the aquarium would be  “All is whale”

Cheers,
Deepesh Chandran

My name is Tintu. I am a boy. I am 5 years old.

There is a weird machine in my house, to which my family members talk  but it never replies. I couldn’t understand its name correctly. But it was written on the machine ” W-e-i-g-h-i-n-g …….M-a-c-h-i-n-e”

My Mom stands on it and always screams. I always thought it was very painful standing on that machine, so I never stood on it.

My Dad stood on it and I heard him say “$^@!*#*()&*(^”. I never understood what the poor machine  did, that he said such things to it.

My 19 year old cousin Jhumki didi stood on it and started to blame God after that. She always said “Cmon God….this is not fair”

21 year Dabbo bhaiya spoke to it the most. He first says” Cmon  baby … show it to me..yeah man” . After he stood on it, he raises his hands high in the air and says “That’s it boy…that’s it”. Then he flexes his muscles, looks in the mirror and then leaves

One day with great courage , even stood on it. I was really afraid that it might be very painful but nothing happened. Instead there just a number on it. The number was 15. Now what was wrong with the number 15 , that my family members behaved so wildly?

I asked my best friend Shaunak about number 15, and what is so special with 15? He told that the roll number of  Shivani Raina is 15. That is only thing he knows about 15. When I asked my bench partner Renuka about 15, she said that she saw on TV yesterday an Ad saying “15 days for ‘Kya SuperKool Hai Hum’ to release”.  Then I asked Rishabh, as Shaunak told me that Rishabh is the most intelligent boy because he is the tallest boy in the class. Rishabh told 15 means 15th August which is Independence Day. I didn’t understand  what that day meant. Thus with all my resources what I couldn’t find what was the significance of 15 meant? I have named that weird machine as “15 machine”. I wondered for many days and till date remain clueless about it.

So today after many days, today I again stand on it. Oh my God…now how come it is showing 16 now????? !!!!!!!!!!!

 

Cheers,
Deepesh Chandran

Man is social animal and he speaks. We socialize and we speak. We have various occasions and events in our life, where we gather together and we speak. But best part is that of the what man speaks and comments on certain events in our lives. It’s really funny, irritating , weird to hear the typical comments we always hear on certain occasions in our lives.

I summarize the few events in our lives, with the typical comments you hear that follow it –

1) When a new baby is born

When a new baby is born, many people come to see and bless the kid. No here the baby is less than 1 feet in size and face so tiny! Then we have the some uncle saying Wow…she looks same like her Mom. Or some aunty say Nose is same like the father”…or typically Bilkul baap par gaya hai

What nonsense!! The features of baby haven’t even developed in the first day and these people claim the baby looks like so-and-so.

Technically it is not possible to say that the baby looks like whom..within the first month. Trust me, when someone says all the above typical comments..it is most stupid thing you hear..to fool you. Either they are fooling you by saying such things/ or they are fools themselves. Or best and the most noble option is that they say only to make you happy.

2) When your elder sister/brother gets married

This is when you still have time to get married and your sister/brother is getting married. You are busy welcoming guests, taking take of them. arranging the entire shaadi . Then 4 of 10 guests would for sure come up with this comment, boosting as they have passed the most humorous comment..which is “Bhai ki shaadi ho gayi, ab tumhari baari ..he he he..”

It’s really irritating to hear the same comment again and again…and worst part is that you have to laugh and smile, when they pass this irksome comment

I agree that most of them say with a good intent, but it doesn’t help our mood in any way

3) When you meet some uncle or aunty after long time

This is easily the most illogical comment, which each one of us face (i purposely didn’t use the word “hear” ,as it actually a very tough situation which you have to face 😛 )

This happens when some guests come at your house, meet someone in marriages or any social get together etc, when you meet some uncle or aunty whom you don’t remember/don’t know. They might be meeting you after 1 or 2 decades and then they ask ” Peechana kya?” !!

C’mon last time we met each was 25 years ago, when I was a 4 year old kid ..and now you expect me to recognize you!! Oeennggg…!!!

Another super-hit comment you hear from them is “Arre…kitna bada ho gaya hai!!”   

Hainnng!! Don’t I have the right to grow? Why shouldn’t I grow? What is the huge rocket science in growing from small to big? 😛 😛

4) When the event is over

Now these people are typical Indians. I love to laugh at them, at the way and what amount of attitude,  they say this dialog.

Lets consider when any event is over for good or for bad. It would be Team India winning or losing a close cricket match, an Olympian missing out on a medal, two friends secretly running away and getting  married, go to purchase a movie ticket and don’t get the movie ticket or any damn event in life…BUT only the event is over. These people come with full style and say “Mujhe pata tha aisa hi hoga”

These people will never utter a single in the course of that event , but as soon as the event is over..they immediately come up with this dialog. I simply love such idiots. We Indians rock!!

 

Cheers,
Deepesh Chandran