How much ever Bollywood/Hollywood romantic movies inspire us, how much ever attempts we make to ‘patofy’ a girl, how many times we dream of having a love marriage…the fact remains that 80% of marriages in India still happen to be ‘ARRANGED MARRIAGE’
So having accepted this fact, how and what does one do while choosing the right boy/girl through arranged marriage?
Here is what we can do while choosing the right guy/girl in arranged!
Choosing the guy/girl for arranged marriage:
@Boys – When you meet the girl for the first time, please don’t start with asking the sterotype Q’s like “what do you expect from your life partner”, “do you know cooking”, “what you expect from the marriage” etc etc. First make her feel comfortable with you, so start with topics which would interest her. Discuss about the latest good movie running these days. If she likes dancing,discuss about Madhuri Dixit and her grace. Girls love to discuss on such topics. Her stiff body language would ease up and she would start behaving her own self. You would be marrying this girl,so she needs be her own self when she is talking with you. As the conversation hits from there, you would surprisingly get the answers of your sterotype questions in the midst of your talk . If you don’t get it, when conversation extends, you can sneak in your sterotype Q’s
Being funny is not everyone’s cup of tea but cracking a joke here and there, lightens the situation a lot. Santa-Banta jokes are not necessary, even real life funny incidents can also do the needful.
MOST IMPORTANTLY..please be your own self! In arranged marriage, you both might not get many chances to meet, that she can know the ‘real you’ after every new meeting. If she has to like you, it has to be the real you. If you are shy,so be it! Some girls find shy really cute.
DONTS-
- Try avoiding bragging about yourself. You might be a Hritik Roshan, but no need to showcase it. It is a big turn-off for many girls. If she has to get impressed by you, she definitely will get, without your bragging.
- Hiding things. Honesty is highly needed in an arranged marriage. Some things can’t be told in the first meeting, but they have to told in the next meeting
- Wear clothes which you usually wear. No need to wear a formal clothes to prove that you are a good boy.
- Don’t judge the girl highly on looks. After 15 years, neither you nor she are going to look great. Always look for qualities by which she can be a great companion for the next 50 years of your married life. Of course she needs to carry herself well, is what you need to check
@Girls – Ideally when you meet for the first time the guy is supposed to break the ice, but not all boys may be outspoken. So there is no harm in you yourself doing the honors of breaking the ice.
Always remember that you both have positively come to meet each other, so both would be tensed, excited and positively looking forward.
Indian boys are typically interested in cricket, video games , movies, food and Sunny Leone 😉 . Of course you need not discuss the last topic 😛 . Girls are mostly lesser interested in cricket and movies, so movies and food happens to be common topic very often! You never know how amazingly you can hit off, once you find a strong common point of interest.
Now I must admit that it tougher for a girl to actually analyze if the boy is faking or is he genuine or not. Your parents will only see if the boy is earning well and if he comes from a decent family. They always tend ignore other things. So the onus is only on you to find if the guy’s nature is good or not, is he genuine, is his nature compatible with my nature, etc. How on earth do you find it out?
Take your time here and don’t get flown away. Try thinking more from head than from heart. Consult sensible and mature people in your life about this prospect and his nature. Don’t take advice from dumm girls.
DONTS-
- Please don’t probe much into his job and profession. For sure, your parents will do that job for you. Although salary is a critical factor, don’t make him feel like he is sitting in a job interview.
- In an Indian arranged marriage, the highest criteria for a ideal groom is his salary. My suggestion- don’t give it so much high preference. He might be highly qualified, just that he hasn’t got his right break till now. So judge him overall for his professional growth
- Hell with the looks, only check if he carries himself well with the whatever looks God has given him.
- If you had already prepared a list of 10 points that you seek in your potential husband, and if the guy in front fulfills even 6/10 or 7/10 of the points….marry that guy. You can never get 9/10 or 10/10.
When the engagement happens-
“Time” is biggest problem in arranged marriage. You get to spend little time with this guy/girl and as soon as things seem positive by then, parents get you both engaged. Well, we can’t do anything with it and have to live with this issue. But please try and keep a little long gap between engagement and marriage i.e. courtship period.
It is the most beautiful period of your life, when things are clicking with you both. You would love it. That is one good reason, why you need a little long courtship period.
If things aren’t clicking well within you both, then take your time. Please analyze each other’s priorities.
Most importantly, if things go really very bad between you and everything is going out of hand, then its OK, you can OPT OUT from the marriage. Its better to have broken engagement, than marrying the wrong person
So summarizing the entire blog, please go ahead and successfully get into this sacred and great institution called Arranged Marriage. Feel free to ask me any doubts by commenting on my blog. Just in case, I don’t happen to reply to your queries on this blog, you can approach me on this contact details below.
I do professional paid consultation for arranged marriages, so for any doubts in arranged marriage – please contact me at deepesh.chandran29@gmail.com or 91-9970838025 and have my setup in Pune
Cheers,
Deepesh Chandran
Deepesh Chandran BLOG 
hello I have meet a girl through a family relative, now we are expecting there reply it has been more than 10 days now.. I like that girl,
but instead of waiting for there reply my family has started talking about new girl prospects,
how long should we wait for a reply or should we move on?
Hi Prasanna, if there is no reply from other party, you can always follow up with that girl/ them (especially if you like the girl)
Sometimes people feel that their pride will be compromised, if they are the ones to follow up for a reply. There is nothing like that.
Lastly, I have seen cases where a girl rejected a guy for some reason and later after 4 years, she ended up marrying that same guy. And she is happily married with him ever since. Context being, trust God on his destiny for you BUT fortune favors the brave, who takes efforts to follow up 🙂
Should I discuss that I am a non vegetarian ( he is veg) and agnostic?
Hi deepesh sir..
I am 26 yrs old… nw they have started to see matches for me.. o dint show any interest bcos i felt love marriage or arranged marriage… getting a soulmate is special rather than a life parttner. My opinion is if i get to see a guy in an arrangedarriaged i should feel that he is everything irrespective of however and whatever he is.. like leless or good qualified and he should besimple goood man thats that it… so i found a guy .. and i told my parents that i liked this profile .. so wen my parents approached they said they will tell his opinion after his exams…. so idecided to wait… bug without my control
..i foind his nimbwr and said my opinion.. and today i told that i said my opinion to u…if u like me and family take time and approach my parents..pe else leave it nu… will he get the feeling wat i got on him or..is that wrong way that i intiated first??
Hi Deepesh!
Your tips were really very helpful for selecting a right guy. I’m 28 years old, and my parents are too searching a groom for me. They think it is being too late, anyways I too think that I should get married now. But the problem is, whenever they show me profile of any guy I can’t control my temper. I feel very irritated. Why do I feel so? What shall I do to control my temper and choose a right guy calmly? Or shall I leave everything upon my parents to decide? Please suggest.
Thanks and regards
Hi Deepesh!
Your tips were really very helpful for selecting a right guy. I’m 28 years old, and my parents are too searching a groom for me. They think it is being too late, anyways I too think that I should get married now. But the problem is, whenever they show me profile of any guy I can’t control my temper. I feel very irritated. Why do I feel so? What shall I do to control my temper and choose a right guy calmly? Or shall I leave everything upon my parents to decide? Please suggest.
Thanks and regards
Hi Deepesh,
Apologies for the long post.
Here it goes:
Let’s name the guy as X.
As soon as I turned 27, my parents made my account on matrimonial sites. After some search, we liked one of the profile and called them to meet us. Initially, they were a bit reluctant, height being the only issue – the guy is 5’10 and I am just 5’1.
When my father pushed them a bit, they agreed to meet. We meet on 31st dec. 2017.
Both the families met along with X and me.
X and I spoke for sometime separately as well. Meeting went well.
Then, since my father had insisted them to meet, so we waited for a call from their side as we thought that we had already called them several times but when they did not call even after a week of meeting. We thought it maybe a NO from their side.
Time passed. Search continued but we didn’t find any suitable match. Out of the blue moon, my worried dad called the above family once again after 3 long months to check for their ans.
Then the reply was that X wants to meet once again as it has been a long time. I wanted to speak to him over call or chats before meeting, so asked dad to tell them to share X’s no.
Yeh, the reason for no response their side even for 3 months was that X wasn’t sure that time and as we also didn’t call them so they somehow got busy in their routine affairs and forgot this topic.They didn’t even see any other gal as well during that period.
Yeah, so nos were exchanged. X and I started talking. Talks were quite normal for 2 – 3 days. He seemed to be a quite open minded and friendly. Then next day, I asked him if we can meet unofficially (as I belong to an orthodox family and they wouldn’t have accepted me meeting the guy like this). He picked me from my office and we spoke on the way during that 2 hrs drive. Things were good till here. He also seemed to be interested.
He had plans for weekend trip to mussorie with his friends. I just asked him, who all are going. He said, two guys and two girls. And then next line was of the two one of the girl is quite hot and pretty and I would need to compete with her. I was shocked to here all this. I didn’t react that time and pretended as if I dont care. I just put down the phone that time saying that I am on office trip right now and we can talk around 3 or 4 am, once my party gets over ( I just wanted to check, if he is willing to take my call this late) to which he agreed but internally I was disheartened by those words.
I didn’t call or text him for next two days. Then on the third day, I couldn’t resist any further and text him…how is his trip going? To which he replied immediately and called as well. We talked normally. That time he was with those two gals and the other guy.
They were coming back to delhi from their trip.
Talks were normal now. He himself used to call up but he kept on asking while I didn’t call him up. He said, he waited for my call.
When he asked this for 3-4 times, I couldn’t control myself and told him that I didn’t like him comparing me to that gal to which he which he told that we were just talking as friends and he doesnt even remember what exactly he said. He acted as if he never has any intentions of saying that.
He had several other friends as well including girls. He had been in 3 relationships too in past.
After the above incident, he lost the interest in talking to me. His frequency of calls reduced to once in two days and even when I used to call, he used to me like…it seems were are not compatible…should say to this our parents. I tried to make this and told him lets see for a day or two an then we call say at home.
Then on last friday, I just called him up normally and told him and he asked…if we can meet and decide on this as things are getting complex and its been 15 days we have been in touch. Also, my parents wanted an answer.
This was again an unofficial meet (our parents didnt know about this). On call, he was like tum bhi mat rona, mat bhi nahe rounga.
We meet at a restuarant outside my office. He said you look so cute and he likes me as well and dont want to say no (God knows what was that) but i guess he had made up this mind till this time and just wanted to meet for the last time. After that incident of me inquiring about him, he assumed that I am an aggressive kinda person (as I didn’t call him fot those two days) which I am not at all. I just told him that I am a bit possesive about my things. Finally, he dropped me nearby my place and talked normally on the way. Just like a friend but back in mind that decision was already made I guess. Before we left, he told that he would talk to his mom and tell the decision the tomorrow.
Next day, my dad called them up. His mother replied that guy doesn’t want to take this forward.
After 2-3 days, I deleted his watsapp no… Which he must have got to know as he is not able see my watsapp do now. Then after next 5-6 days, he unfriended me from facebook as well. What does this this removing from fb means? Was he still thinking about me and wanted to move ahead? Or was it out of anger?
I am not sure it was too early to confront that girls point but somehow I was not able to trust him. In arrange marriage talks, these topics ideally shouldn’t come up. He wanted a pretty and sweet girl and after that incident he thought i am not and infact he thinks that i doubted on him.
My family wanted this proposal to work out and was quite disheartened after hearing a NO. And thinks at people dont like me.
This is the first guy I have ever met for arrange marriage. I know it is wrong but somehow, I got attached to this person emotionally in this whole process and its been almost 20 days that I am not able to overcome this. Each passing day I still hope that they would change their mind and call back!
How to get over all this? Did I mess up the things? What must have gone through his mind after that rejection?
Will he come back anytime soon?
Hi Miss G,
Firstly you are just 27 and it was just the 1st guy whom you met. My average count is meeting 10 people before you meet the right guy. So there are lot of attempts left 😉
Thus there is nothing to be disheartened.
Here is the good news – what has happened to you happens to every other girl in arranged marriage. So things are very normal here.
Why are you upset about this prospect being lost? haven’t you had a heartbreak earlier in your relationships?
I don’t think Mr X is going to come back and you shouldn’t even waste your time thinking about what went wrong. Some prospects behave like this only and there is nothing much you can do about it.
Here are your action items –
– Take a chill pill – go out with your friends, eat ice creams, watch movies, exercise well ( exercise is very important as it gives you lot of happiness), do good in your professional job
– Take 2-3 weeks off from matrimony if needed, BUT start back immediately
– Trust me…your Mr. Right is few attempts away, so keep trying and meeting prospects 🙂
OK?
P.S. – As I tell everyone, sometimes I may not be active on my blog due to my other commitments, so you can directly call me on my provided number
Is it worth contacting him now through social media as friends or should I move on?
Hi Miss G…Treat this as a heartbreak where you cut off completely from the guy, where there is no contact through WhatsApp or any social media . So move on
hi , i met one girl 10 days back i liked her we had good conversation and i thought she is also interested in me , 2 days after our meeting my dad called them and they says it will take 7-8 days for us to decide not its 10 days still not got any reply what should i do now i really liked her
Hello,
I am 30yrs old and my family has been looking for a match for me since few yrs now. Most couldn’t go ahead coz of compatibility issue. Now i have met this guy last month through a matrimony site and found him good in most aspects – be it career stability or maturity level or compatibility with me, etc.
We are in touch since 1 month now and talk / chat daily, have had few meets too. And i want to take this ahead to parents. But i am not able to gauge the person’s interest level for confirmation yet. I am not able to decide the point where i should move ahead – don’t want to be too early that he says “too soon to go” and neither do i want to delay a lot, that the initial charm is not lost in the process.
There is a lot of family pressure to close this too, since its still an arranged marriage setup. Please help me to choose the right move and what is the right time to take it.
Thanks !
Sowmya
Hi Deepesh…………..
I had so many doubts and confusions before I come through this blog.. Now I am feeling better as I got answers without asking any questions. I read almost all the queries and ur answers to them. Hope I might ask a question by myself next time..
Hello deepeshchandran sir,
I am from a traditional family,struggled much in life to reach what i am today.few days back i was called by parents to see a girl from my hometown.after we see each other spent 15-20 min talk and then chat for 10 days.Then we both selected each other.In the beginning we did not check the kundli of both ,later we found that the girl is manglik ,and our horoscope is not at all matching.
Now the situation is very different,from my parents is not interested to fix marriage there,but the girls family is having the same interest as on the beginning.and the problem is that,within this 1 month span we both fall in love .now its a very critical time for to decide what to do.i tried my parents but they are not interested at all to proceed as they fear on manglik and non-manglik marriage.
kindly suggest me to get rid from this situation.
Thanks
Hi. I got engaged to a boy 2 weeks ago. We didn’t speak to each other before the engagement and exchanged numbers after our engagement. We had hardly spoken to each other for 10 mins before our marriage was fixed. But we both found each other compatible. Now we are in contact with each other throught chat since 2 weeks and are getting to know each other. But now i have started developing trust issues towards him. I dont know why but i keep feeling that is he cheating on me or will he do so after marriage. Mayb i think in such a negative way because of the betryals i have experienced in my past. Sometimes he comes late from gym like around 11 because he spends some time with friends. Even during the day he replies me late because he says he is busy with work. But that time i get very insecure and again start thinking negative. Please suggest me something to get out of these thoughts as it will ruin things later on. And please tell me what im thinking is correct or not.
One more thing which i want to tell is that he doesn’t give me time at all. We havnt met even once after our engagement or have not spoke to each other on phone. He sends me just 2-3 messages in a day. Is he disinterested in me? I am very confused n worried please help me
Hi,
I have gone through to ur words. whats my suggestion for you. Please tell him what you feel… don’t ask directly…but let him know whats going in your mind …might be he also thinking or feeling the same thing from your side. discuss with him once, you will definitely get the solution positively. also after discussion you will know wht to do for future…for girls, its a such a big think.. so dont be fear with… speaking to him …be in confident and discuss the complete things.
Hi Deepesh!
I know this a place where you guide people to choose a boy or girl for marriage but i have a different issue.
I have consulted you before also for marrying this boy whose an engineer and working in German software company living well.
There were many issues before our marriage also but anyhow we survived those hurdles and got through and now its been 7 months since we are married.
On one side things are very smooth but on the other side my brother in law is very very interfering. He always wants to jump in every of our conversations like we dont have any privacy of out own. He stays with us only but my mother in law is in her native place as she works there.
Even if me and my husband have petty fights my brother in law comes and starts telling me to keep quiet and not speak anything. And my husband also supports him he never asks him not to talk to me like that. If we go for outings then these things are always hidden from my husband’s family. I’m not able to find out the reason and solution of all this. Why are we not supposed to tell his mother and brother that we went out for dinner or party. And why he never speaks up against something wrong and just asks me to keep quiet and ignore.
Please help to judge the situation and tell me will this ever change?
Dear Anonymous2508,
Will this ever change?
Answer – Not immediately, but after sometime yes; provided you act upon it correctly.
It is unfortunate that your husband doesn’t speak up for something wrong. This is his trait and this will not change, unless you do some things correctly. Now what are these things?
1. Do everything possible on earth to stay separately i.e. just your husband and you
Once you stay without your brother-in-law i.e. you both stay alone, 70% things will fall into place
2. Post that you can tell your husband what all problems you are facing and ask a logical reasoning for it. Please do this calmly and articulate all your points precisely
It is easy to improve your husband, when you both stay alone. Currently your husband is under heavy influence of his family.
3. NOW you might say that…you both can’t stay separately because his family won’t allow/ brother in law will oppose strongly…blah blah.
BUT you have to make it happen. Come up with any excuse like job excuse/ health excuse/ privacy issue excuse (biggest weapon for any women to use)/ etc
IF you are unable to do this, then be ready to rot like this forever.
Advice helps?
P.S. – I honestly don’t remember last time we interacted, as I have consulted more than 300 people in the past 3 years.
Happy to reconnect with you 🙂
Thanks!
I know this is the only solution but as you truly said this is not at all possible. His family has pampered him so very much they dont let him do any work or anything except his office work. And so they think if we live alone then he has to help in domestic work which they dont work.
Secondly i tried to discuss the issues with my husband also but what i got in return was just to stay quiet and patient and ignore things. But everytime one cannot ignore things. Everybody loses patience at some point of time. Even this has happened that once my brother in law was yelling at me and my husband instead of stopping me supported him. He never stops hom from any wrong this he does. He is younger than me but still talks to me rudely. But nobody speaks up from my side. Not even my mother in law. So this makes me feel as if i’m some outsider and this family only has these people. I dont really know when will all this end. My husband will neverlive separately and he will never understand any of my issues. He just stays quiet and if i say a word then he makes me quiet.
Dear Mr. Chandran,
Good morning. We are looking for a groom for my daughter aged 23, who is working in IT industry.
How to find if the groom matches my daughter’s temperament and how to ensure the groom’s traits are genuine (and not boasting).
Regards
Rao
Dear Mr. Rao,
Whenever you meet any guy, he will obviously behave very formally with you. The only way is to understand is by asking scenario questions
e.g. – If my daughter and your mother have some fights, how will you handle the situation? OR If my daughter has to go on-site for 3 years, what will you handle the situation?
The kind of answers he will give, will help you understand what is the maturity of this guy, along with other traits.
But after you evaluate, give enough time to your daughter and that guy to spend some time with each other, before both say ‘yes’.
Hello SIr,
I am 25 years old male from Maharashtra. I have a girlfriend since 6 years, without the knowledge of my and her parents. Now, my parents are forcing me to have marriage. So I told my parents about my relationship, but they are not ready to accept. They are asking me too have arranged marriage. Even from her side, her parents are not ready to accept anyway. so we are thinking to breakup. But I am quite furious that Will I be able to set with anyone other or not, how will I judge her in just few minutes, will she take care of my family or not, will I be able to love her or not. I don’t even know how to talk in first meeting. Please help me sir.
p.s. My relation with my girlfriend was good in starting years, but from 2 years love is fading from my side, as I am not so comfortable with her.
Hi Ashwath,
Since you are anyways not comfortable with your GF, then better go ahead with arranged marriage.
Regarding the first meeting I already provided some tips in my blog. My other suggestion is set up with first meeting only after you are convinced with her profile.
You have to be patient and continue meeting various prospects. One day, you shall find the right one. You have age in your hand anyways
Hi Deepesh,
I found your page when I was searching for, “How I can find the right guy for me in a matrimonial site”. Now, Let me introduce myself…I am Soumya, 28 year unmarried n unemployed girl from kerala, who is facing a lot of pressure from family n society regarding marriage….But to be honest, I am confused… I want to get married but I don’t know whether I could find a right guy for me….I am a dreamer and an ambitious person…I want someone who could understand me…I prefer someone who is having a decent Job and who works outside Kerala…He should be smart and Intelligent n caring…But people says that,it’s not possible for me to find a guy as I don’t have a Job now…I don’t belong to a rich family or I am not fair by looks…Currently I am a student of Company Secretaryship…I did my graduation then worked with an MNC for about 2 years….And its been 5 years I am doing CS…n not getting anywhere….It’s a tough course,you know….And it has been 3 years since my parents created a profile for me in Matrimonial site….In the beginning I was not much interested as I wanted to concentrate on my studies n career and it has been only 1 n a half years that I have taken this as serious thing…But many proposals are rejected on the basis of horoscope issues….And sometimes people won’t give any reply….We don’t believe much in horoscope or caste system…But still I can’t find a right guy….
Today , I am in a stage where I am forced to think whether I am unlucky or supposed to stay single for life long or I don’t deserve the right guy…..People ask me to choose someone and get out from here, to run away from the questions raised by others….But that is a stupid idea…I don’t want to take the most important decision of my life only because I have pressure from my family n society…I don’t want to make a wrong decision……But my Parent’s are worried about my future…they are also getting old……My parent’s had given me the freedom to choose the one of my choice…I have freedom at my home…I have a nice family….Good round of friends…..But still I miss something in life…My life is Incomplete….But I also believe that ,it’s better to stay alone than living with a wrong person….I am confused!!!
Could you help me??? Guide me??
Thanks n Regards
Soumya
Dear Soumya,
First thing – I am sure you are loved very much by your parents. You are very special for them. You are special for your friends as well.
So you are not unlucky for sure! I visit various orphanages and know what unlucky is. You are a very lucky girl.
2nd thing – I am upset with you that you are unemployed at the age of 28. You have to make yourself worthy. Figure out your career path and don’t come up with silly excuses, like what you are doing now.
Rise…and you make a success out of yourself. Earning will give you give confidence in life.
Looks doesn’t matter..but you need to have a good personality of yourself by grooming yourself well, staying fit and carry yourself well.
3rd thing – Having a life partner is important…without this life partner doesn’t make you incomplete.
Socialize more…go on some trekking events…make more friends…take part in some social welfare activities. All these will make you feel good.
You have 2 options
1. Sulk and live the life that you are currently doing
2. Do all the above things I mentioned and live an awesome life. A good life partner will automatically come your way…magically.
hi,
Imet this girl online for marriage, we connected a lot on phone, shes based from another city, so finally planned to meet up in Delhi fro 3 days, she made the effort of coming down, i booked the hotel
Second night I got on alcohol and then everything happened, but I was not attracted to her body, I dint like her kisses and it was quite a put off for me and so for this reason, the next day I told her that Im unable to say a YES to you and it will take me time, though we spent quality time
After 15 days I went to visit her for 3 days, checked into a hotel but it was an effort for me to kiss her(not the same as per first time but still it was) nd then still I could nt make up my mind
Im really serious for this to happen but somewhere afraid how will be able to deal with this for the entire life ?
Now Im constantly been asked to marry her and her constant pokes and deadline s are getting close.. please advise and help
Tia
Hi Vivek,
Sorry for the later reply. Please let me know the latest status on this and I shall advice accordingly on it?
Hello deepeshsir,
Thanks for writing this blog,
I know one girl who is in same caste,4 years older than me,she has done fashion designing course,I m working in company,earning well,she spending more money on closh like 10000 for dress,she is good looking,not doing a job.
Will she spend more money after marriage,also she is wearing short cloths.
Hi Nagarajan,
Firstly There is nothing wrong in wearing short clothes.
My only doubt is that – If she is not doing a job, then from whose money is she buying these costly clothes????
If she buying all these costly clothes from her father’s money, then DON’T MARRY THIS GIRL. PERIOD.
Hello Deepesh,
I am Sanyu,actually few days back I got engaged to someone after seeing him for the last couple of months.Since it is a arranged marriage and I am a college goer and have just completed my graduation so I had a very large friend circle including lots of guys and few girls.I had my past and wanted to tell him about it but after getting engaged when we finally started talking fine over the phone I told him everything.But now I think I have broken his trust and now he doesn’t calls me and feels that I am still hiding things from him.i feel he always have a doubty eye on me.He has stopped talking and has said that it will be hard for him to trust me but still we will get married.Also he has decided that now we will be talking after marriage.Since being a girl I always wanted to be myself with my partner but I guess the turn of events won’t let me be so.I know I have kept this thing away from him for too late but it was just lack of frankness between us.Off late I can’t get him away from my head and have fell for him.I just want him back with all the same love he had for me.Please help.
Hi Sanyu,
Sorry for the later reply.
Since you had asked few days earlier, please let me know the latest status and I shall advice accordingly ?
Thank-you for replying sir,actually now we have opened up about everything…things are well but still I feel that something is missing.Since I was in my college and had always been surrounded by lovey dovey PDA so I guess I also want the same in my courtship….is that too much if I want my partner’s attention…like we talk daily bit still I feel I am missing something…he is the best I can have I love him…but what is wrong can you please help me with it…..
Eagerly waiting for your reply….
Sanyu
Hi ,
I have seen a girl once…a proposal set up by my relatives…..I liked every thing about the girl…their family is very similar to ours….but the problem is now I can’t remember her face clearly…..and is it important to be physically attracted to the girl who you are going to marry
It is definitely important to be physically attracted to the girl whom you are going to marry!
If you can’t remember her face, check her pics on Facebook or Whatsapp OR best is to meet her immediately again. Simple.
hello, this is naina … i am born nd brought up in visakhapatnam(Andhra pradesh) and nw i am 26 yrs old… Actually i hav got an arranged marriage proposal…at frst parents came nd hus mother liked me soo much…nd den aftr around 26 days the boy came to meet me again wth his parents….actually in dat frst meetng he said that he actually not ready fr marriage nw..but bcz of her mthr he came…nd he said he is very much busy in his wrk…he has a very busy schedule…nd he said about him dat previously in college time…he didnt went to college regularly but he passed in subjects, and he has friends mostly are the girls….nd also he had a lovestry which didint workd out….nd nw he also said dat he get only two sundays free…nd full time busy if ships come nd he has to go den n der….so actually i am confused whether he is interestd in marriage or not…or in force of her mother he is sayng yes…..i am totally confused……
and another thing aftr two days of meetng dey infrmed us dat he is ok wth this match….wat is my thinkng..nd decision…..
the main thng iam nt understanding dat whether he is interestd genuiunly or not nw fr marriage….
please help me …….sir
Hi Naina,
I suggest to not go ahead with this marriage.
He doesn’t seem ready based on the information that you have given.
Sir ,
I am asking this question for my friend who is from Kerala. She is from Kottayam and boy from trissur. The boy and his family are good.She likes him as well and they have started talking.While speaking there is a difference in tone ,slag ,sometimes she is ok but sometimes she gets anxious and uncomfortable.What would you suggest for her.I tried convincing her she is getting me but again when she speaks to him she becomes judgemental.
Hi Tanya,
The boy is behaving like he naturally is! If he uses slang and your friend can’t adjust and live with it then I suggest to go ahead with this boy.
If it really bothers her a lot, then search for a better prospect. Simple 🙂
Hello deepesh
This is aashii, i have come across a prospect for an arrange marriage he is from a different state so we guys are trying to know each other through texts and sometimes call its been like 2 weeks, parents are yet to speak to each other . Please help me how do I know wether he is interested in me or not and what should I talk to him about I am try in to be myself but as he spins in service he hardly has time to give me a call but yes he responds back to every call and text but somehow I feel that charisma is missing and like its me who breaks the ice and tries to enter his shell to know him more anf make him more comfortable. Please help me what should I do .?
Hi Aashii,
There is nothing wrong if you are trying to break the ice. You can continue doing it.
What actually matters is that if he really likes you or wants to marry you and isn’t doing it because of any compulsion.
Again the only way to find it out is through a blunt and honest talk only.
My que is simple.. How i can find out the level of thoughts she carrying ? I believe, who has great thoughts tht person is great. And i want my life partner should have this quality. This is only my requirement. I dont have option of love marrige, so i have to go for arrange marriage.
So please help me.
Can you please reply on this….my parents are forcing me for marriage, and i am blank, wht should i do? Even i also want to get married but i dont think 3 meetings are enough to understand the level of thought she carrying. Please help me.
Hi Ajinkya,
Answering both your questions, the only way is to talk and meet her more. Ask for more number of meetings i.e. more than 3 meetings.
Trust me….if you like that girl…you will definitely like her within 3 meetings.
BTW there is always an option of love marriage; it is just that you are too afraid or don’t have anyone special yet in your life
Thanks sir.I must say this is “THE BEST” initiative of helping people .I am sure with your help people are able to take positive decisions.God bless you!
Thank you Tanya for the kind words.
As they say…Mujhe Duaa main yaad rakhna 🙂
Hello Deepeshcharan,
My name is Arun and I am writing this email from California where I work for a start up software company for the past 6months. I am 32 years old guy and my family has been seeking an alliance for almost last 3years. Last month one of my friend provided my matrimony id to his friend who’s a good looking, well educated and working women lives in chennai. Since, then we have been talking to each other and we both expressed our love to each other as well. In-fact myself, my brother and my mother all had a telephonic conversation with that girl’s mother and she agreed to take this alliance further. But, after a few days later that girl told me that her brother doesn’t like this alliance, as he feels that there is no one will come return india from usa just for the sake of marriage and he feels that we might cheat them. This thought of her brother also influenced her mom to change her mind as well. This girl doesn’t have father like me and we both love each other and wanna marry. As, we badly wanted to marry she had spoke to her mom and brother about our desire to take this forward but they are again and again rejecting her wish. One top of this we are belong to the same gothram, which is also an another reason why their family doesn’t want us to get married. As, we are unable to close out this issue, i in-fact suggested the girl to have a register marriage without informing her home, for which she had given me a big No. I am now in a confused state of mind, whether to leave this girl and look for some other profile (or) If i want to marry her what should be my further course of action. Please note : There is no issues whatsoever from my family and we are ready to take the next step if they change their mind.
Hi Arun,
Her brother is right…from his point of view. Any brother would do that.
You have to sell yourself well to this brother!! If you are a really genuine guy, then prove it to the brother. Prove to him that you are not any cheat…like those cheater boys from USA (which are many in number BTW))
If you really love her…go to India and ‘patofy’ that brother. It might seem like any Bollywood movies like DDLJ or pyah kiya toh darna kya..but you really need to do that for your love.
Advice makes sense?
Hi Dipesh sir,
I really liked your blog and great thing you do to help people finding their ways
I have one big issue.. It feels like I am stuck.
I know you mostly solve arrange marriage issue.. But my one is love marriage.
I have been relationship with this guy from college. Its been 6 years now. I am from Lucknow and the boy is from very small village in ara, Bihar.
In beginning he lied me about everything.. Later on slowly slowly I came to know all his truth. But that time we were in relationship, and we love each other .. So I have forgiven him.
Sometimes I tried doing breakup, but then he will cry and I will become emotional fool.
He was also possessive. I lost all my friends who were boys..Apart from all these bad things, there was one good thing that he loved me a lot. After college, he moved to same city where I was doing job. When I changed my location, he came there..he searched for job himself there as we both are btech graduates. In such long relation, we also had physical relationship.
Now, its time for marriage.. I told my parents abt him.. They were knowing this coz they met him before too. They said no then they were ready coz they remember the lies he told about him in early days.
When I told my parents all the truth, also that he is from small village, his salary is less than mine.. They were not ready but some how we convinced.
My mother is still angry! We had engagement in Feb.
Unlike other couples, we fight a lot.. I think we are not mature enough. After this marriage thing started , we started to fight more.. Its like tom and jerry.. Fights alot but cant stay away..He still lies.. small lies..he sometimes makes fun of me in front of others n alone too.. Irritate me(he says he likes doing it) which he call ‘majak’.
Our every call ends up in fight. I think he don’t understand me. Sometimes his majak hurt me .. But he don’t understand nor he stop If I complain.. He is short tempered.
Currently he is not financially stable .. He takes money from me when needed but don’t return it back.
My parents are if I want they can cancel the marriage and search for other groom.
I am nervous and confused. If so then How will b the guy.. Will he judge me.. As I had bf and physical relationship before..
Will I forget my bf and move on..?? I am very confused as marriage is most important decision of our life.. And we should choose our partner carefully.. Pls advise…:(
Dear Pooja,
Sorry for the later reply, as I always take 2-4 days to get back to any queries. Here is your answer which is going to hurt you –
DONT marry this guy. Period.
Imagine your entire life with this nonsense things happening around you!!
But I have this feeling you will still end up marrying him fearing that you will never find anyone else in life. Isn’t it? 😉
The answer is that you can easily forget your BF…but ONLY IF you want to forget him. Many girls unnecessarily and stupidly keep sulking and never want to move on with life.
Hi,
Actually i have stopped all this and said no. Told my parents everything and they have talked with his parents. Marriage is cancelled from both the ends but my bf he is not able to understand this and get out from the situation. He is crying, behaving differently like very sweet as if nothing has happened and all is going fine. I have blocked him from everywhere but he is planning to meet me tomorrow as he thinks i am kidding and want to resolve the matter. He is not understanding.. He is depressed.. Even i am also depressed but m much worried abt him as in the situation he dont do anything wrong. Even he told me he will suicide.. He cant leave me.. M his everything.. Even i told him not to do these stupid things.. Told my father abt this to talk with his parents..
He is saying he just want to meet me for 5 min. I dnt know what to do.. How to handle the situation so that he can become normal. Pls advice soon.
Hi Pooja,
As I was travelling, I have thus answered to your query 4 days late. This means your BF has called you enough and cried enough. Maybe you might have even met him.
He would keep telling things that he will change and blah blah.
Its OK….all boys do this same thing.
I really feel bad to give this advice again which is – you shouldn’t marry this guy.
BUT this again is just my advice and you are free to do whatever you want in life i.e. marry him or reject him. It’s your life after all.
Hi Sir,
Just a quick question, after a meeting, is it fine if the girl messages to take things further. Or should she wait for the guy to message and know his reply first.
After the first meeting, if girl has already messaged to meet again for the second. But after the second one, should the wait be considered to sense the reply from the guys side ?
Hi Miss Blue Bird,
If the girl had initiative for the second meeting, let her allow for the boy to take initiative for the 3rd meeting.
If the boy is shy or whatever, then coax him or give him enough hints for the 3rd meeting…but make him do it 😉
Hello Deepesh sir,
I am 30 years old.My parents have been looking for a suitable guy for longtime.Recently I got a proposal the guy is 6 years older than me ,he is well settled .Looks are also good but he is of short height to say 5ft2in or 5ft3in approx.I am also of the same height .I have no expectation of a guy being too tall but a moderation is fine.Somewhere this thought is in my mind .If he was little inches more I would have been very happy with the proposal.I am thinking i will compromise and go ahead.Is this a right decision on my part.After marriage also can this thought be a hindrance to me ?Not able to decide.Please help…
Thanks & Regards,
Tanya
Hi Tanya,
Please go ahead and marry this guy. Period.
If the boy scores well in the other parameters, then you can ignore the height!
Like I always keep saying ….if he can be your best friend for life…marry him!
Thanks deepesh Sir.I am to an extent mentally prepared.I have now started speaking over phone but again I end up judging about his voice ,way of speaking.I think am I really happy speaking to him ?Are these normal ?If these are things to be ignored how can we get over being judgemental ?
Hi Tanya,
I suggest you to give more time to understand this guy. It is normal to be skeptical.
To overcome…always think in long terms…can you spend coming 40-50 years with this guy? Ofcourse with the few compromises that you need to go with. There has to be some number of compromises.
BEST is speak with him directly upon your insecurities. Funnily he can help you the most…more than anybody!
Hi Neha here. Just writing this to thank u for helping me overcome the situation I was facing last year. U helped me alot n gave me really helpful advices. I finally took the decision of not marrying that guy n later on I realized that it was the most correct decision I ever made. Again your advices helped alot. My hunt for groom is still going on. Hope I find it soon!
Thank you !
Hi Neha,
I have advised more than 200 people in my blog and many have thanked me immediately.
You are the FIRST one to thank me after a year i.e. after realizing that the advice really helped.
Your gratitude makes me humble and also encourages me to continue my selfless work i.e. advising and helping people in arranged marriage.
You are most welcome and do let me know if you need my help in future. I have updated my contact details on my blog
Hope you have the best husband!! 🙂
Thank u so much for the wishes 😊
Hi Deepesh Sir,
It’s been almost one and half years that my family looking for a suitable groom for me. I am 25 years old now and last week I met a guy as insisted by my family. He is just two years elder to me and an
MBA graduate. He is working in a finance company with very good salary. He is the second son and very childish I felt at the first meet.
Also he said he wants to move back to his native place after few years and wants do Agriculture But his father is not in favor of this. I spoke to my mother also regarding this. She is inssisting me to talk to him again and clarify. I m totally in dilemma and not able to decide anything. Could you please help me with this? I am a Currier oriented girl and dont want to move to a village.
Hi Soumya,
If the boy insists on going to village and doing agriculture and you are not in favor of it….REJECT THIS BOY. Period.
You can definitely find other better boys
Advice helps?
Hi Deepesh ,
I just met a guy four weeks back. He is from Gujarat and I’m in Bangalore. This was the first guy that I met this year… and we both liked each other. The funny part is I didn’t find any major default with his looks but my family did. And moreover they are skeptical about the distance of both parties. We are basically from Kerala and my parents wanted the guy to be nearby. Well they talked about this and the groom’s family themselves didn’t have any problem. They are planning to shift slowly. .that’s what they said .. Even the boy himself didn’t have any trouble. He is open to change….but my doubt is when?…he just shifted his job eight months back which is based in Ahmadabad…and the time that I have spoken to him he seems to be liking his job very much…I know it’s cruel to ask a man who loves his job to shift soon…The same is with my case …I just started working in a company in Bangalore and I’m waiting to shift it once I have completed my one year…Before meeting the guy I had thought I would try in Bangalore itself coz its nearby home and has more opportunities… had asked my family to say that I would complete my one year (has five more months ) and then get married his family had no problem …they were like they know the value of experience….
But now.. I’m confused….for sure I’ll have to shift there and try for a new one…but losing one that I’m doing and then trying for a new one is utter foolishness…I don’t know how open he is to long distance marriage…even my mom keeps saying please don’t decide in haste to leave your job …take leave for marriage and slowly leave it after getting another one…I don’t know if that is possible…
Keeping aside the job conflict…we text each other but I just can’t seem to open up…we have called and I have no idea what to talk…I’m just confused if I put the above reason how he might react…in general he seems to be nice guy…But still I don’t know how to decode…we just met once and then chats and calls…
I already had a very bad experience in the past. My marriage was almost fixed every arrangement was done. Even talked to the guy like day and night. I had to spent on calls…even when the talk was uncomfortable I had tried to manage….but the end we found out that he lied about his education…and from then on I just can’t seem to trust my own feelings…I guess this is actually working against this present alliance…even though he might not realize it….i know I don’t want to be too involved and be hurt like the previous time…I just wanted to know how can I know if what he said to me and my family is genuine…? I have seen my friends who got their marriage fixed talk very personally and chat messages which seemed too intimate…somehow it makes me uncomfortable and irritated I went through it once thinking it was normal and I found the guy was wrong….this time I have no idea if this guy sending me a love emoticon is normal or is he jumping steps…coz I for sure know that I am not in LOVE.. I like him and expect to slowly progress the relationship. I suppose if he asks for a love proclamation then I would naturally freak out…and would have no idea whether my saying I need more time is okay or not okay…
How do you actually progress in a relationship? What would be the right behavior ? if the guy gracefully accepts me needing more time it’s beautiful but if he reacts in emotion then what is it that I’m doing wrong… like yesterday …he was waiting to chat and I had told him I am free but suddenly I couldn’t by the time I came back he was like I guess ur busy so carry on…what do I make out of it…was that normal or did he get angry. Today morning he chatted normally. And I’m clearly hesitant to ask. Whether it hurt him or he took it casually..
To me I feel I am over anxious…but I have no idea how to manage it ..And I don’t want to talk to him so openly either …what if he takes advantage ?
Pheww….Dear Rose….this was the longest query I received on my blog!! 😉
But my answers would be short –
Regarding both of your jobs, it is all about mutual compromise and practical decision making! So its for you both to decide using your brain and not heart.
Regarding this guy not responding well to your messages, it is kind of a very common problem.
Try meeting him in-person and tell him everything about anxiety. Tell everything absolutely. After all, you need to spend your entire life wit him.
If you don’t do the above then, there would be a risk that you would be taking.
Guess these things doesnt work !
Sir ….all things u said was important….bt if u don’t have that feelings that. Yes u can spend yr whole life with this guy…..what can we do about this things…
I first meeting I havent any feelings…I thought its normal in arrange mrg …it will be alright bt after 2nd Nd 3rc meeting also…..I don’t have any such feeling….. everyone is saying that he is a nice guy nd has nice family …..what to do with this things….can’t bear this pressure…plz help
Hi Kajal,
Like I always say…only check if this guy can be your best friend for life?
If answer is yes…marry him. Else reject him.
Don’t think too much on the feeling part!
Sir,
My parents have choosen a boy to get me married,i am not against it but i want to continue my preparation for civil service exam as i am doing it now,i have not yet met him so don’t know whether he would be fine with me preparing for exam
I don’t know what to do,plz help
Dear Simi,
Its simple. Tell clearly your parents that you can look into boys only after your exams, as you are not in a mental state.
If your parents still force you…meet the boy..and tell him the truth – currently you are not in state of mind. You would be wasting the boy’s time at that instance but its good for both parties in long run
Hi Deepesh sir,
I am 24 years old girl. I am working in one of the IT company in Pune. I recently got a proposal.
I researched about him on fb, other than average (sort of OK looking guy), as per I heard from my parents about his status, family etc are fine.. May be next month that is April 2017 I am about to meet him as the guy is in China rite now.
To my parents always consider not less that a Beta(“proud of me”) and respect my decision always. I am a middle class family girl so I never like my parents to spend money unnecessary on me (I mean to say dowry in form of gifts, electronic etc)….”I think you got this”.
So I made up my mind that I will talk about dowry strictly to both the family of the guy as well as guy. But some of my frenz are opposing me that I should’nt talk about these “big matters” to that boy’s parents as people will think that the girl is insensitive etc….but am not at all convinced by that. I really hate these dowry etc and why all the times girls parents should take all the responsibility of the marriage functions.. I am really against it.
I am afraid about my innocent parents,,they think if the guy is good in all forms, by hook or crook they will arrange the gifts(so called dowry) and spend too much of money (atleast by getting loan etc).. I have a brother who is still studying, I just cannot go happily married by leaving so much of financial responsibility on my parents.
Please suggest me Shall I talk to about this to the boy’s parents and the boy. If I should really talk then please suggest me how should I approach them, please suggest me the ways of approach.
Thanks,
Akshata
Dear Akshata,
You are doing the right thing here.
Please go ahead and tell the boy first that you won’t be giving any kind of cash/or kind/dowry! Then tell him to communicate to his parents. If needed, you can communicate to his parents as well.
If the boy is mature and righteous, he will definitely support you. Then you have found the right guy!
If the boy/ boys side are hinting on dowry, you can let go off this prospect.
I am sure you will find another righteous boy and family!
Hi Deepesh,
My name is Varun & I am 26 years old. I have been seeing a girl through arranged marriage concept & she is 10 months elder to me & also in height she is around 3-4 cm taller then me. She looks pretty good & intelligent as well in terms of her job, carrying herself, talking wise as well, & quite smart & I am someone who earns quite good, but looks are just average.
I met her around 6 times & still unsure of accepting her, because I don’t know our relationship would long last + a healthy love life. I don’t know why I feel that she is marrying me just because of my financial stability (which I think most of the girls look) & my city where I live.
How this factor can affect –
1) Age factor
2) Height factor (society criticism)
3) Me being rich
Also there have been more proposal & I think most of the girls do look for financial stability (but shud I go with girl with an avg. look or it’s good to marry an intelligent girl (with good looks)
Hi Varun,
The answer is simple. You marry the girl whom you really like.
Don’t bother about age or height as far as you are happy with the girl.
She is not totally wrong in marrying you for your financial stability BUT what matters is that – does she really love you and will she always be there for you!
Thanks Deepesh for the reply.
In our 6 meets so far, I have asked her thrice why do you want to marry me ? Once she said from the family perspective, second she said the city where I live she have the job security & want to work after marriage & also mentioned I am good to go guy kinda person(fits in talking). Apart from that she said she is fond of shopping & wants to travel the world.
Love in the arranged marriage is difficult to say. I feel its like a gamble or blind game at some level. You can’t really judge why exactly she want to marry you & will she be there in my support all my life.
How do I know if she really loves me ?(If you can mention some trick Q’s to ask her, it will be good) She is better then me in terms of maturity, looks, personality, very sophisticated techy girl. I am just an average looking guy self-made rich, who just try to be funny & wants fun all my life with my better-half.
Hi Varun,
If you are really concerned about your loyalty towards you….try talking about pre-nuptial terms. See her reaction! This is an extreme step…but in this current time where divorce and alimony keeps you a pauper…so one needs to keep that option open..although as a last option.
The reason why you constantly me asking if this girl is marrying you for your money or not….means that you felt somewhere very strongly that she is marrying you for money!!
Else you wouldn’t have asked me.
If you are so skeptical and worried, I suggest to look for another girl
Best is that tell her that you investing 80% of your money in your new business and would not be dependent on your family money anymore!
See her reaction.
Hi Deepesh,
Recently i had meeting with a girl that my parents introduced me (she is the daughter of my dad’s friend)
I liked the nature of that girl very much, infact she is exactly what I imagined my better half to be, and she also thought the same way about me.
I belong to a joint family having a common but very much established and stable business for the past 25 years that girl very well knows of.
Though i contribute my efforts in the family business but I have don’t have that much interest in it, so i started pursuing my Software Career in 2015. I completed my engineering in Computer Science in 2013
My current salary is 36 K and this is the only reason that girl rejected me.
I am trying to understand her decision but I can’t.
Because….
1. If she is afraid of financial security then at any point of time i can continue my family business which is having turnoverin Crores.
And
2. if talking about my salary – though it is currently low ( coz I started late ) it will surely go up as the time passes.
What do u think about her decision to reject me on the basis of my low salary?
Hi Divya,
You need to thank God for what happened with you. You don’t need a girl who is only interested in your financial stability.
Thank your stars and look for better girls!
Dear Deepesh sir,
We are three in our family, I am the elder one.I have a younger brother and younger sister. Currently my parents has got a match for me. I Like her and she as well as her family likes me. Now is that my friends saying that its not appropriate that i should marry after my sisters marriage. Now i feel guilty, but i like her too much. She is an orphan raised by a wealthy family. I like her not by her wealth and all but her heart. I find it that we share common interests and all thats why i dont want to lose her. Please help me is it wrong for me to marry before my sisters marriage? i am 26 years old, My brother and sister and me are one year apart. My sister is the youngest and wise, she said its ok but i feel so much guilty. please help me
Please reply sir
Sorry for the late reply Anil Raju.
Please go ahead and marry, as you are doing nothing wrong.
Hi Anil Raju,
Please go ahead and marry! .Period.
You are doing nothing wrong.
hi deepesh ,
recently i meet one guy from my cast only , he is elder than me 5 years . i asked him about his past relationship so he said that girl affair and all so he breakup with that girl. but we dont know exactly reason. as my parents inquiry about him & his family so every saying its good and all. but personally i feel he is lieing something because whenever ask him something he think so much then reply and if i say something then he change his answer. as per my parents i m doing 2 nd meeting with him but m not that confident with him . and as per their parents this was final meeting and they r ready to do engagement . and in past i have experience person like this as they said its all depend on future situation they might be not allowed to work or any restriction . i m just concern because i m the only daughter to my parents so i want to be with them also. so can u please suggest me somthing to tell my parents to say no for this guy. as my parents r like he is educated & settled so whts your problem y u saying no . so if possible pls guide me .
Thanking you
Hi Nidhi,
Had you told a bit about your occupation and age, it would have helped my answer.
Assuming that you have a decent job and are aged between 23 to 28 years old – here is my suggestions :
If you are not confident about this guy and have just 2 meetings to decide , then you should call off this marriage. Else other option is to ask for more time and meetings, which I am doubtful both parents might give.
Your parents might get angry but you need to tell that you are not comfortable with this guy and can’t live your entire life with him.
Hi Deepesh.
I hope you are doing well and need your advice/guidance in my situation.
Long story short, I’m male 28 work for one of the reputed banks in Canada and the girl 25 she works for a pharma company in USA, we both are from Hyderabad and met through matrimony site and i have been touch with her from 1 month i would say. I even met her parents in December when i went to INDIA with my Dad, it went very well and i am flying to states on Feb 17th to meet the girl.
Now that I met their parents and they gave nod to meet her daughter i am very excited to meet her. I really liked the way she portrayed herself be it her way of dressing, looks , behavior on the phone to name a few.
All in all, I need your advice on this 3 questions please.
1) I keep on calling her 3 times per week and trying to spend some quality time on the phone .Is it acceptable and if yes what are the topics to be discussed and ways to impress her before I meet her.
2) what are the do’s/dont’s to follow when i meet her in person and ways to impress her and make her my future wife?
3) Now that their parents agreed and asked me to meet their daughter can i safely conclude 60% of the match is set or any twist in the tale when i meet her.
Please advise and comment on what needs to be done from my end.
P.S ( I don’t want to miss her at any cost).
Expecting a positive response.
Happy Monday,
XXXXXXX.
Hi Sri,
Sorry for the late reply.
Here are your answers –
1) I keep on calling her 3 times per week and trying to spend some quality time on the phone .Is it acceptable and if yes what are the topics to be discussed and ways to impress her before I meet her.
answer – Try and find what are her interests – e.g. – check the community pages she has liked on FB
Speak about those topics for starters!
2) what are the do’s/dont’s to follow when i meet her in person and ways to impress her and make her my future wife?
Answer – Like already mentioned in my blog – please dont fake yourself. As a general advice, be a gentleman. All girls like guys with good sense of humor.
Get just flowers for her when you meet her ( not a huge bouquet )
3) Now that their parents agreed and asked me to meet their daughter can i safely conclude 60% of the match is set or any twist in the tale when i meet her.
Answer – You are right here 🙂
All the best and let me know how things happened? 🙂
Thats great Deepesh!
I will keep you posted on this.
Have a good weekend.
Thanks again,
Sri
Deepesh,
I hope you are doing well.
I never expected that i will post such a message on valentines day,
My story had a twist in a tale. Last weekend i received a call from the bride saying that she selected an other guy and he is coming to see her this weekend.
She just called me to say that she is not interested in me anymore and said me to cancel my plans to visit her. I professionally wished her all the best and said good bye in the call. I said please don’t waste people’s time and she rejected me almost at the last moment if you recall my story on the previous email. She also unfriended me in her Facebook friend list as well.
My parents are badly disappointed along with me and now i think matrimony doesn’t work in my case and i said my parents to search in my relatives, friends list and community as well.
Now that she rejected me i lost interest on human values mainly values like honesty, truth and humanity. She rejected me at the last moment. Is being honest and true with her costed me?
I did met her parents personally when i was on holidays at India.
All in all, she behaved cunningly and she opted might be for a better match and dumped me at last moment. She might be independent woman but she shouldn’t be playing with a guys life. Am i right?
Please guide me about the things now i have to do before selecting a bride in near future.
Should i try matrimony or the ones which my parents select in the friends circle etc.
To be honest lot of questions in my mind, I appreciate if you can respond ASAP.
Expecting a positive response.
Thanks
Sri
Hi Sri,
It is unfortunate what happened with you BUT trust me I have seen much more worse things happen to people in arranged marriage.
The girl did a very wrong thing with you and karma will take care of her.
Quickly move on with life. You can’t waste much time sulking. Please continue to be as you are – don’t change. Continue looking for prospects within friends and relative circle.
Arranged marriage needs lot of patience and faith…so continue with both.
Hi Sri,
Thanks for responding to my previous email.
Yes you are absolutely right, karma will take care of her and arranged marriage needs lot of patience and faith as well.
But only thing in my mind I need to clarify which is not making me to concentrate is what might be the reason she rejected me. Did she get a better match and dealt with both guys simultaneously or her parents didn’t like me and forced her to call me and cancel my plans or did she have a boy friend ? I appreciate if you can respond to this.
I will not change myself and started for a fresh bride both in family circle as well as matrimony.
Thx
Shashi
Hi Deepash Sir-
I am Sneha living in Delhi and basically from UP. I am tall and good looking and i am working in an IT company having a good position there. I am smart and intelligent girl and earning really well. I am a 30 year old single. I have never been in a relationship with any guy though I have fallen in love with someone but that was one sided. I am having really high values of my own and feels myself a one man woman. I always kept myself away to fall for someone to whom I can’t marry. I waited so long that someday I would fall in love someone and then marry that person. But unfortunately it never happened. I always fallen in love with wrong person to whom I can’t marry. From last 5 years me and my parents have been looking for guys through matrimonial sites. I personally met almost 50-60 guys and talked over phone almost 70-80 guys. These were filtered by my parents based on my criteria. For some reasons I never gone further with those guys. And I reasons were almost genuine. Majority of the guys I have rejected. Only 5-6 guys have rejected me due to may be caste issues by their parents. I never looked for NRI guys as I can’t trust NRI’s due to so many bad cases around. One day I told my parents to try to look NRI now cause now I am not able to find anyone suitable here. I talked one guy from abroad. I have been taking to him from last 3 months. He came to India 1 month ago. I took off from my office and met him one time with family and other 3-4 times alone. He seems very intelligent decent and genuine guy with average looks. He said yes for marriage. I took more than 1 week after his yes and I also said yes for marriage. Now I’m feeling anxiety for many reasons We don’t talk much due to our jobs and time difference. Though I always try to talk. I feel disinterest from him in me. We never talked dirty or sexual things. We even never talked anything which creates intimacy between us. I always wanted my partner should be mentally emotionally and physically connected with me. Of course in arrange marriage physical connection is not possible more over when it is at distance. But at least there should be some kind of connection between us. I m not sure whether same happens for all people who opt for arrange marriage or it just me. Because I feel that Is this the guy for whom I have rejected so many guys? Is this the guy I waited so long and still I don’t find any connection? I am freaking out I feel sometime I should say no to him. But that is also truth that me and parents are tired of looking guys and this guy seems genuine. But I don’t feel anything with him till now no connection. Please help what to do.
Hi Sneha,
You are a good looking and independent girl and being 30 is not a big issue, if at all you feel so.
2 things –
1. I am 100% sure that many good boys had come your life (through college/ office/ common friends), but you never entertained them. You had your criteria hence you missed out on many good boys. But its all bygone now.
Also you rejected arranged marriage boys, only because YOU had very high criteria. Here again, I am 100% sure you have rejected many genuine guys
Regarding your current marriage prospect – Its OK if you don’t feel the connect. Some guys are shy. All it matters if he is a genuine guy who will care for you and stand for you…all throughout your life.
If the connect thing still bothers you, its OK as well. You can call off your marriage
2. If you are calling off your marriage, here are my suggestions –
please open up as I am sure if you are a good looking, independent girl there would still be many genuine boys around you. It is just that you are not giving them a chance.
Also let go off this caste non-sense. You are reducing your chances by choosing boys within your caste only.
Advice helping?
Hi Deepesh Sir-
It’s been 1 week I have written to you. Ofcourse there is no caste issue at all. Now I feel that the guy tries to be friendly sometimes but yes he never opens up to have intimate talks even though I tried by giving some hints that I want to talk. Our engagement date is now decided but still I don’t feel that connect. Everybody around me says that in arrange marriage it happens gradually. You guys need time. I should not expect everything at once.
One more thing which I guess his hairs turns me off as he is suffering with hair loss. I want to tell him that he should go for hair weaving therapy so that he looks good on engagement. But I feel that he would mind this. I am not sure what to do. I feel anxious sometimes that is this the guy for whom I waited so long? Everybody is happy around me for my marriage but somewhere I don’t feel internal happiness. And as you suggested ofcourse there are guys around me but I guess none of them I like.
Hi Sneha,
All u need to know and ask is…will this guy take care of you and take your stand for you for your entire life?
You have that answer?
His hair is not a big deal. He can’t match ur good looks. You are wrong in expecting that.
But u can surely speak with him about it.
I again repeat..mainly check his nature.
Even u will look old and ugly when u turn 45 years old
Lastly please speak all your concerns with him..if you have become good friends now
Hi Sir
Nice to read the blog. I recently met the girl. She is very nice and comes from a good family. We met only once and it was really good. Now I have to reply to our parents.
I know it a silly thing but the height of the girls is less. Any comments on this or how to coem over this.
Please reply.
Regards
Sam
Hi Samarth,
If you really like the girl, the height shouldn’t be an issue.
Realize if you really like or not!…then take your decision.
Hi Deepesh
I’ll be meeting a girl in few days…its an arranged meeting by my parents. I am a private school physics teacher and the girl just got a job in police. She’s lesser educated but really beautiful… I am more educated but don’t have good looks. I am really nervous if she would accept me as her partner but I am totally interested un this alliance. What should I do to convince her and her family (I think they won’t have any issue)… Please help.
Hi Kuku,
Sorry for the late reply.
If you are educated enough and earn well, then the girl’s parents will totally accept you.
Step 1 – you need to impress her parents, which you said is not a problem. This will 60% assure your chances.
Step 2 – please dont marry the girl only for looks. If her nature is also good, then only marry her. Talk to her, know more about her, see how you can fulfill her dreams, show her the love, etc
Dear Deepesh Sir,
I have been actually loving my father’s colleague’s son for about 3 years but no one knows about this, even the guy himself. His family and my family are really really close. One day out of a sudden my father informed me that he wants me to marry that guy and i was overjoyed. My father then spoke to his father about this and his father agreed to the marriage. Everyone in his family is fond of me and everyone in my family is fond of him. However, the guy does not know anything about the marriage. I don’t think the guy will want to marry me since he treats me no more than a normal friend. Moreover, he has many female friends. What should I do about it ?
Dear Anamika ( name changed),
you are the luckiest girl on earth…that such a beautiful coincidence has happened to you.
his parents will do the job of telling him first; you need not do that.
If he agrees to his parents, then perfect.
If he says no, then you can opt for all ways to ‘patofy’ him. It is very easy to make a guy fall in love with you 🙂
Hi Deepesh, loved your article and your answers on comments, but one thing which I noticed in your article and some comments is is actually bugging me… As you mentioned guy should not ask if she know how to cook but girl should ask his salary… now I am not saying girl must know how to cook but my concern is that in this era where we think all are equal why we do not think that as a member of family we have to take a role to run it properly and if both parteners are going to marry then why it is not important to ask the girl that what she will be doing to run that family(as thats the reason girls ask the guy his salary because thats important to run a family).. For example if girl thinks that they both should do job that means both will be doing some home work as well like cooking and cleaning.. if girl think only she will be doing job then guy should be taking responsilities of work at home and vica-versa.. are these things not equally important for both???
Hi Mohinder,
You are right and completely agree with you.
Both should share responsibilities !
sir my parents shown me a guy.he is ok for me in all qualites but his look is too bad.very fat.but the character is very good sir,his family matches me very much.i don’t know to say yes or no.i m still small to think about this things i don’t get any clear idea sir please help me.but I am not clear to decision sir pls help me
Hi Mathy,
As of what you have told me, this prospect looks good.
I think you should go ahead with this prospect.
If your parents have approved him and you like him, then what is the issue!
Dear Deepesh sir,
I am Anil Raju and i am so glad that i found this page. I have a little problem. First of we are middle class family,My parents raised us with moralities. I am the elder son in my family. Yet compared to my siblings i am poorer in education. At age of 14 i stared to look at attractive girls and had crush on them eventually. it followed me till age of 25 although i m not socially active.i used to do this regularly but when i found out that they had others(boys) in their life i just get away from them,,by reading this u may laugh. really i had crush on a handful of girl but then i got one girl who responed to my monkey tactics. and we loved(dated) for over a year. But thats not all i told my parents about it like they will accept it,but they didnt I even invited her to my house to talk with my parents and after that they told me she is not good depending on her family backgroud. But i contined to do so. After some time we got seperated.. As she caught me chating with other girl, i told her that its a friendly chat and nothing more and…..she dumped me. That was the last time i ever seen her,At that time i was doing a fine private job with a good salary and all. As time goes by my parents started to look for matches for me. They got some with a prenty of background u know… wealthy families, i dont like any of them. Now i am going into a govt sector job. But then my parents shown me a match that i wouid die to get her. She is very beautiful and the luckiest thing is her parents like me too. But the problem is this how do i get to know that she will like me apart from her parents? Should i tell her my education background and all the matter about the girls when i was a kid? and one more thing i really not concerned about weather she is having a boyfriend or not. So please help me how to win this girl? …..See? i dont even know how to talk thats why i dont have many friends..Please help me sir… i need your HELP
Hi Anil Raj,
As i understand you need to impress this girl for the arranged marriage.
See…even if you impress her after giving her flowers, chocolates, etc ….it won’t be the actual you. After the marriage, she will expect the same person who used to give flowers, choc, etc and she will blame that you have changed.
So i suggest to be your own self and impress her with whatever person you are.
Still if you want to impress her – get to know about her wishes in life and how you can fulfill it, ask about her hobbies and how you can encourage her to continue her hobbies, etc – basically tell your plan to make her a better person
Dear Deepesh sir,
Thank you very much for your advice. I really appreciate it. I need a little help. Should i mention her about my past life? about previous relationships,You know i told you about my education background, Nowadays only i get the knowledge of what i am studying and all. I was a Dunce in my whole school life. After i got out of my degree college i am a better man. Should i mention it to her? As i am about to go in to this new job i wanted to marry her u know after one year or so,so that i get the feeling of i am capable of running a family. I forgot to mention her she is 5 years younger than me. Please help me sir, Looking forward to meet you in person
Hi Anil Raj,
Tell her about your past life only after the 2nd or 3rd meeting, but definitely tell.
Its OK to her about your personality. Every man cannot act like Shahrukh khan or James Bond. All it matters is how you really love her and can do anything to take good care of her.
Every girl on earth only wants to make her choice or help her to make her own choice AND someone who loves her the most in the world.
Giving financial confidence is very good, but don’t delay the marriage too much because of it as well.
I am based out of Pune my friend 🙂 You can meet me whenever u happen to come to Pune
Thank you very much sir,,, i will meet you. Thanks for your help.
Hiii, Im sowmya im from banglore and im getting married next february. its an arrange marriage we met in home 3 tyms, but we dint spoked in tat tym but he called n started talking with me after our marriage fixed. im v.talketive n courage girl n being loved by all d family memebers becoz of my naughtyness n care towards them. He use to cal me everyday n use to talk to me almost 1 hr a day bt im not feeling comfortable in tat matter bt im adjusting becoz he gonna be my life partner in rest of my life bt just in 3 weeks he stopped talking with me two tyms becoz i dint picked his call. HE also told me tat ill give all my tym to my friends and family not fr him . tats true i love my family and friends alot ill talk to them alot but not on call…. i dont knw wats running in his mind bt im totally broken from 2 days. wether i took ryt decition or not fr gettiong marry with him. even i told my parents that he is too possesive and he may feeling inferiority towards me… (he is too shy guy n wont speak more with others) he aften use to tel me tat im more friendly with all and im banglore girl so i wont care him.(his native is shimoga but staying in banglore from 6 yrs but he never changed his style or anything which suits like banglorian) so please give me some suggession, wat shall i do next?
before marriage only he stopped talking with me twice n dint called until my mummy called and asks him. so im feeling scred wat would he do after marriage?? shall i cancel my marriage?? or not?? or shall i do adjust with him and teach him hw tro behave?? if i tell anything he may feel bad on me…. toataly im confused…. please give me ans
Hi Soumya,
You need to act immediately.
First talk with him today itself…about your problem. If he is understands it and promises to act on it, then good for you.
IF he gets angry and creates a scene, please cancel the marriage the immediately.
Hi Deepesh,
I have question about the number of meetings one should have before saying yes or no to girl .people keep telling me 2 meets and you have to decide which is quiet difficult for me as we cant decide in just 2 meets weather this girl is suitable for me or not. Also i see that some girls do not talk much on phone or chat .hence it really becomes difficult to know if the girl matches my waivelength or not. Even if she is matching in other aspects, how should I solve these problems .Personally I feel there has to be a communication offline as well and should have atleast 4-5 meets to decide .
Please let me know if i am expecting too much or is there any way to get through this ?
Thanks ,
Prasad
Hi Prasad,
You are right. You need at least 4-5 meetings and offline communication.
Else the risk is too high to choose someone.
hi deepesh sir,
sir my parents shown me a guy.he is ok for me in all qualites but his look is too bad.very fat.but the character is very good sir,his family matches me very much.i don’t know to say yes or no.i m still small to think about this things i don’t get any clear idea sir please help me.
Hi Ramya,
If you are small and can’t take the decision of your own – then you have no option but trust the decision of your parents.
ELSE
If you feel you just can’t stand this guy, then immediately raise this voice against it.
All you need to think is that – can you live your entire life with this guy!
I got engaged to a boy with a very nice behaviour and character as well.. He was a genuine person very honest to be trusted and good to be married.. But except that his family was bit too rude sometimes..they were just too protective for their boy that they blamed me somtimes for few things..which was not liked by my family and once things got so far that my familu had call off the wedding..his mother is very rude and speaks very bad language sometimes..
Now he is apologising for his mother and family and his family too apologised..although it was no whre this guy’s mistake..but my family is not able to trust them again after so many issues.. I’m confused whether to keep with the same guy or just leave after so much conflict..as he is really nice and loving just a desirable partner every girl wants..but somewhere in his mind also he has this thing that my family insulted them by calling off the wedding..which makes my parents fear about the futute issues that they will definitely repeat it .. Which will create differences among us..thought guy promises to be very loving always but he too seems to be changed ..they just want to fix up the marriage again and do promise such a behaviour wont be again repeated but somewhere their attitude is really changed…i’m just confused about the boy as he is very decent and nice very loving carinh and honest person but tooo much influenced by his family… What to do.?? Shall i trust them again or i should listen to my family?
Hi Saira,
I give the same advice – Marry this guy only if he is ready to stay separately with you i.e. only the 2 of you in a separate house.
If you are supposed to stay with his parents…DONT MARRY THIS GUY. Period.
Hi ramya… What does he said to u.. as a same problem to me… Pls help me.. Pls tell me
Hi Deepesh sir,
I am Neha G Hiremath born and brought up from Bangalore, and a native of north Karnataka called Hubli. I am a south Indian girl. I am working for an IT firm from past 4 and half years, i am a partially hearing impaired girl,(SENSORINEURAL HEARING LOSS – It means that the ear nerves are weakened). Hence i wear an hearing aid on my both the ears (Left and Right) for which it supports my hearing ability in better way.
Well coming to my concern, i have read all your above messages and replies that you have given to others, i was very much convinced on what ever you discussed and have no such doubts as i believe that marriage happens when time approaches, and its Gods wish and his way of life to treat us. i believe in GOD very much and i personally believe that “LIFE IS GOD’S OWN GIFT”
But my concern is due to my disability (hearing impairment) i am unable to make a guy accept my proposal. i feel i am not destined to marry a normal guy? sometimes i feel i should marry a guy who has similar kind hearing problem like me. my parents have being in search of a guy for me since 5 to 6 years but were unsuccessful. i am now 30 years old, (3-3-86 with 9.22 am as the time of birth and place is Bangalore) i have a few friends in my office who are completely deaf and dumb and there respective spouses are too deaf and dumb. and are married through love marriage and have normal kids. I am blessed to have such a friends. but my fate is opposite. cannot understand how to set it. i cannot force any guy to marry me or force a guys family to make the guy accept me as it want be good as my brother was forced to marry a girl he didn’t like and ended up getting divorced.
I am not having this hearing problem from birth but it was due to accident by a doctor having given me a wrong medicine without proper diagnosis. i was having typhoid fever but he gave me a medicines for malarial fever without doing any blood test or any proper test that are usually required to be done. i realized i had typhoid when i was in my native and there i was treated for my typhoid correctly. I am not thinking of my hearing problem as a problem but an accident that occurred. i am bold and confident girl and have the ability to face any amount of problems and over come it. i am fearless.
None of the guy is ready to accept my hearing problem, even if any guy would accept he would not match our criteria like height as i am quite tall around 5.8 inc and a guy who would agree to marry me would be around 5.5 or lesser or sometimes younger than me also. See there are certain compromisation which needs to be done, but how can i compromise on a shorter height. i don’t understand that. If at all i have to compromise then how can i do that and please give me any tips or a piece of advise on how to overcome it even if someone says something or gossips around.
We believe in horoscope and do match kundali’s before deciding, and i may be a manglick and i am not sure of it as I have done many puja’s said many mantras and did fasting. Recently i finished 16 Mondays fasting what you say in your hindi as Solah somvar vrat khata, but nothing helped me. I am not able to find a guy who is partially hearing impaired like me but i find complete deaf and dumb. which is not suitable for me as i can talk and hear normally with an hearing aid i have no speech problems. but none of the normal guys are ready compromise on this.
Please advise me or guide me. i know there cannot be any genuine advise but at least a reply would be more appreciated.
Thank you!
Best Regards from,
Neha G Hiremath
Bangalore
Karnataka
Dear Neha(priya),
It is actually unfortunate of the turmoil that you are undergoing. I am although happy of the fact that you seem strong and take all things in your stride.
Few practical tips –
1. Please ignore the horoscope and manglik thing. There are already too many criteria in your case and you are just adding another one into it. It is almost impossible to find a guy in your caste and with proper star matching
2. Also pooja and all is good, but I personally don’t believe in it. Instead request you and your family to broaden your mind and look for guys from other castes as well.
3. I am sure you will find more options. Mind and nature compatibility is important; not star matching!
Advice helps?
P.S. – Your disability is not a serious problem at all 🙂
Thank you very much for your reply sir…
As you said me to ignore horoscope and manglik thing, i feel it could be very difficult for me to do as my parents would never go against the horoscope and a few days ago she said i am manglik as per horoscope and have high mangal dosha so i should not marry a non manglik guy even if the horoscope matches but manglik is different. i am really fed up with my parents way of believing the horoscope and the way they decide and would never heed to my concerns nor listens to them atleast.
Recently during Ganesha chaturti i met 2 guys at my native place, among those 2, one guy was completely deaf and dumb and communicates through sign language. he looks and appears as a normal guy and does not look abnormal. he was very friendly and i liked him and they boys family also gave the consent. But my parents straight away rejected him thinking he cannot talk and i have to write and talk whole my life, and after marriage with him i may not give birth to normal kid but may be an hearing impaired like the boy. i dont need to write whole life for him instead i can learn sign language and communicate with him, i can adjust with him as i found him very friendly. i really love such ppl.
They are thinking so immaturely. which ever i guy i like chosen 4m them they would not let me marry the guy, if they dont like the guy. And whomever i dont like they would force me to agree, if not they would blackmail me..saying we want support you after marriage if anything happens dont come to us.. how can i bear to hear such things from my own parents. i am not liking guy myself or choosing myself i am liking the guy they have brought for me.. . i am actually disturbed and disappointed with my parents way of thinking.. i feel sad sometimes. i have no idea what to do. i am stuck with only option that i should blindly marry the guy they choose, but still there are flaws in it, as its not just they like the guy but, if me and my parents like a guy, the guys character would not be a good! If i like any boy than the boys horoscope should be match with mine and he should be a normal guy not any disabled guy. Even if he is hearing impaired then the boy should be able to talk and hear like me wearing hearing aids.
I cannot find such guys, first of all i dont find any normal guys liking me as they would just use me for some purpose or the other like money.. i am not saying that normal guys are bad but based on my experience i have met such guys.
Hence I am extremely sorry deepesh sir, i cannot ignore nor convince my parents regarding this horoscope nor manglik influence. They would not listen to me..
I am thankful to your message but i really dont have any option but to just do as my parents says. thats the only option left.
After this sms what ever feed back you give me i shall adhere it.
Thank you!
With Best Regards,
Neha G Hiremath
Hi Neha,
I am unable to understand your parents. I can only hope that they behave practically very soon.
Just to let you know – there are still many good boys around you. Arranged marriage is not the only way to get married – when we have good friends around you, then they can also become good life partners, as they know everything about you.
But then, they must ‘good boys’!
Your sent the mail address
Hi,
I am Lalitha. My parents have shown me a guy for marriage. We have met only once outside and all other meetings happened in their home or mine(its been 5 meets till now). The guy seems like a gentleman but is a very silent guy. He speaks very less and everything I need to be probing him for everything. Like he doesn’t message me I only have to take the initiative and he doesn’t do anything to hold his part of the conversation. We haven’t even spoken on the call. Because of this nature I am not able to gauge his personality. I am very outspoken and bold. I am not sure whatever I know of him matches me.
However our parents have decided to take things further and planning for an engagement. I am not sure on my part. Whenever I ask him for anything he decides I need a clarification or I have a doubt.
How can i get him to open up and speak freely? What should be my next move? Please help.
Hi Lalitha,
It is Ok, when one is talkative and other is shy. What matters is how mature and understanding the guy is!
I suggest you have a very blunt talk with him – tell him what is bothering you. If he is mature, he will surely understand.
Your next move should be as simple as that.
Tell him softly that something is bothering you very much and is it Ok, if you can share it with him…and so on.
It is better to clarify things in the start, rather than repenting it for life long.
advice helps?
Can I get your email ID
Emailed to you
Hi.Mr.Deepeshchandran.My Self is Hari.Atuallyi am searching a life partner. I am unable to get any girl for marriage me because of iam a Handicapt(by left leg).Intance of i am working in MNC Company as Operation Exective. NOw i feal very disappointed by this.So,Can you help me regarding this.
Hi Hari,
Calmly think over it – any girl will overthink or reject when they get a handicapped prospect. You would have done the same, if you were fit and you got an offer from a handicapped girl.
I can understand how disappointed you would be feeling currently. Following is my suggestion –
1. You getting not married does not make you a loser
2. If you are not working well in your office/ not earning well in life/ you being negative in life…makes you a loser. I am sure you are doing good in all the points that I mentioned
3. Earn so well in life, make something so good out of your life…then automatically girls will come to you
4. Lastly trust in God – he has strange ways of getting good things in life 🙂
I am sure one day you will surely find a good life partner 🙂
Hi Deepeshchandran,Hari again thanks for previous reply me.Could you Know any NGO who are arrange marriage of Poor or Orphan girl,may be i got a life partner from there.I hope you will help me.
I don’t know of any NGO my friend.
Please keep patience and all the best
Hi Deepesh,
I’m 23 years old. I had a break up from 4 years relationship in February this year. We parted our ways mutually as our families did not agree for the marriage. I have completely moved on from my past relationship.
And now my family is looking for the right guy for me. So far I’ve seen around 3-4 guys but they were not my type.
Actually the problem is whenever my parents talk of my marriage, I get irritated and i just dont wanna listen bout it anymore. I really dont know if I am ready for marriage or not.
Plz guide in this regard
Hi Lily (name changed),
It is very clear that you are not ready for marriage.
Aren’t you still over with your breakup? If you aren’t, then it is very bad for you. You need to get over it as soon as possible, because it is spoiling your life.
Almost everybody undergoes a heartbreak and each of one of us feels that it is the most painful thing on earth.
But honestly, it is overrated and we overdo with a heartbreak. We unnecessarily overthink about it, rather than moving on and accepting destiny.
Ok?
Hi,
I m over with my break up. its just that I believe getting married isnt everything in the world. and so i feel I m not ready for marriage. On the other hand my family is into getting me married. I guess I feel so because of my parents broken marriage. I need help in terms of to explain my family as to I dont wanna get married as of now.
Hi Shivali,
Whatever you say, it will be very difficult for your parents to understand.
So I suggest to calmly explain things to your parents on continuous basis.
Tell them that an immediate marriage will spoil everybody’s life
Hi Devang..bumped into your article…its a nice one…but isnt it too short to decide for such an important decision.Btw i have a friend who is into this arranged marriage set up looking for a guy.She has talked to few,skyped a couple and met one…no one clicked fr her yet.The one in whum she is interested is in US,working..he skypes with her once a month says he likes talking to her but they havnt met yet..he is postponing his trip to India..she is in a fix whtr d guy really likes her or he is proponent of space in a relationship?
Hi Priya,
I am not sure if you asked this Q to Devang or to me(Deepesh).
My name is Deepesh! 😉
Your friend can wait till the guy comes to India and meet him and decide the future course. Talking once a month on Skype is not going to help anybody.
I suggest to keep looking for other prospects because if the guy was really interested in your friend, he would never be talking to her only once a month.
Makes sense?
Der sir,
Dvang
Your r awesome…
Recently I face a problem.
I have fair skin n all family members have fair looking skin. The girl I met on meeting is nt have fair looking skin….bt we stand with each other black n white couple is looking…..so after taking decision of mrg whenever she came to home there is some problem for looking…..nd this problem is playing n playing on my mind….yes girl has good nature….bt I m afraid from society….firstly look doesnt matter for me bt nw it matters……people tld me why should I select her if you have everything……..dnt knw what to do…..???? Help
Hi Devang,
If you are really worried and anxious about the dark complexion of the girl, then its normal.
You have to spend the entire life with this girl and you need to be comfortable with her. So its OK to reject her and find some other girl.
If it is not too late, I suggest to cancel the marriage immediately.
BUT if you really love this girl, I suggest that you should not be worried about her looks.
Advice helps?
Hi Deepesh ,
Deepesh actually i was in a relationship for almost 5yrs ..last december we broke due to family issue n now am nt at all in contact with him n he got maried to some one els.
Now my parents searched a guy for me for mariage …but my question is whether i should tell tht guy about my past relation o not ? its worrying me lot …if i tell he may nt accept me …if i dnt tell i feel tht im cheating on him by hiding it…plz help
Hi Soumya,
As I always mention it in all my replies to the queries that –
Always tell about your past to your going-to-be husband/ wife. BUT don’t tell it in the first meeting, but definately tell it in the 2nd or 3rd meeting, whichever you are comfortable in.
i.e. tell it when you have a comfort factor with your husband
Advice helps?
I met a guy recently thru parents obviously.. seems to be a simple but a great guy.. now d last we had a chat. I told him dat I’m positive about him but my parents too have to judge him. Then the families met at our place..n we olmost indirectly said yes.. they were kind of normal . But after they left there was no communication at ol. As we wre waiting for them to reply.now it’s been a week we met n drz no msg from d guy or his elders.. I don’t understand. Shall I assume it to be a ‘No’ and never contact them again. But I keep thinking what if they r olso thinking d same and waiting for our call. Shall I take initiative and ask the guy personally, what his parents think about me. Please suggest me , that shall i be brave enough to break d ice. It won’t to be too much for the simple Indian family to digest. How can I know their version and still not be embarrassed if it’s a no..
Hi Ashely,
It is highly suggested that your dad/mom call his parents and ask their opinion on the marriage. Depending on their yes/no, you can move ahead accordingly.
You asking the guy is like…you proposing a boy in your college days and anxiously waiting for his yes/no. You don’t need to go through that hell. Lets your parents do the needful.
Advice helps?
Hi Deepesh
I’m a 26 year old girl from Bangalore whose parents have just started looking out for a groom. Recently I got a proposal through my close friend. The guy is my former colleague’s brother.
He’s 2 months older to me, well educated, and working in Germany.
I have a lot of things running in my mind regarding this alliance since this is the first proposal for us.
Firstly, we’re South Karnataka Brahmins whereas they’re from North Karnataka. My parents and I feel there might arise some cultural differences(linguistic too) in the future.
Secondly, if my parents do decide to go ahead it’ll be time for me to talk with the guy. Since he is in Germany it’ll be through Skype. How will I judge, or rather get that comfort level when talking to him through a computer? How will I know how to behave? I would have to decide either way without meeting him in person.
Lastly, I do not want to settle abroad. From what I know, this guy will come back to Bangalore to settle but that will be atleast 5-6 years down the lane. I don’t think I’ll be too happy about it.
My parents have not started to look out rigorously, so I feel what if there are other prospects which might be better. I don’t know if I should consider this seriously or try to look for other alliances. My parents are very supportive and say they won’t even go ahead with the talks if I’m not feeling good about it.
I don’t think rejecting this proposal straightway without any talks would be wrong.
I’m very confused.
Looking for you suggestions and advice.
Thank you!
Hi Soumya,
Few of your questions are already answered in my blog 😉
It is OK to at least speak with this guy. You never know if you hit off really well with him.
It is also very easy to say no if you don’t like him. Through your parents, you can pass the message to him/his family.
Dear Deepesh,
I was just browsing net and came across your blog. First of all thanks for your time to respond to most of the queries. I couldn’t stop writing to you, please help me to get out of this situation.
I am PhD in aeronautics and working in S. Korea as a researcher. I am dating one Korean girl from last one year. She is pure heart, caring and honest girl, she can speak hindi as well. She actually has all the qualities one girl should have and average looks. However, I am still confused because of some issues like 1. My family wants me to get marry to an Indian girl with suitable education and family background. 2. I really care about her but still missing those butterfly in stomach, which i used to have with my first relationship. 3. She is 2 years older than me and has low confidence to face camera or partying with my Indian friends.
If I keep going with this relationship I might end up hurting her more, If I leave her I feel I couldn’t find a better girl than her. I am totally confused. Please help me.
Shubham
Hi Shubham,
Your scenario is what every human faces – if i leave this GF, i might not find better GF in future again.
Personally i feel you should find someone else for multiple reasons. The biggest reason is that i feel that you are NOT truly madly deeply in love with this Korean girl. So its better you move ahead in life.
You will surely find someone better in future.
Advice helps?
hi deepeshji,
i am omkar(name changed) facing a problem.
two months back, a girl’s father came to our house and gave a photo of girl. after 15 days, my father went to their house to see a girl. then he reported me about the same. after 15 days i.e. one month back i went and saw girl. we talked almost around 1 hour. i gave my no. to her to speak and ask anything which will help both to understand each other. next day, she texted me and asked ,, do you like the girl? . i said unless i understnd nature, i cant say anything. her family didnt even bothered to ask to our family. Then almost around 10 days we texted each other, sometime called also. In between these ten days her family didnt spoked once with my family. on 12 th day, i was in her city for my friends wedding and she asked me to come her home. I went with my aunt and spend around half hour at her home. Then i went to my aunt home. After that she called me and asked to come outside for my birthday celebrations. i went, her sister was with her n we cut cake, then i returned home. Two three days later, while speaking with her on phone, her brother took phone nd asked me about our families scheduled meeting. i told him to contact my father not me. next day, when i tried to explain her about the same,, she started crying. her sister started telling me about correctness of her brothers response. then angrily i shouted on her sister. after 5 min, i called her to clear misunderstanding but she said that if you are not giving respect to her family, we should not think positive about the relation.after tht day, her family didnt communicated properly with us and our contact were paused.
now i have lot many doubts about her nature, her family nature and all, what should i do?
she communicate indirectly by changing whatsapp status, dp and indicates that she is going through pain but her family didnt even respect our family. they even not bothered to call once to my brother, mother. When her father spoke with my father after that incidence, he told all mistake is of your son.
Now, i dont know whether to go forward or not?
will this nature keep hurting me throughout life? or my NO decision will hurt her the most?
please advice me.
Hi Omkar,
Small incidences keep happening and will keep happening in future as well.
BUT to face all problems in life, the nature and maturity of your partner is very important.
If you are in love with this girl OR her maturity and nature is very good, then stick with this relationship.
Else forget this relationship and move ahead.
And yes, the girl is definitely hurt and she is right from her side. You can hope that she recovers with time and finds a better prospect in life
Regards,
Deepesh
Hi Deepesh,
My family has searched a guy who is good looking, earning good and might own his own house pretty soon. I ve started talking to him on chat and phone. He seems nice, trying to make my comfortable. I m also trying to do the same for him. But somehow I’m very confused as m not able to connect with him. I have been in relations earlier and I keep getting thoughts of how well I use to connect with other guys which I cud not marry coz of family traditions nd values. I’m not sure how to decide if I he is the one for me. Our first meeting is scheduled in few days and m very nervous if things will not work out on meeting him. How should I decide and what should I talk to him about which is important to make me feel that this is the guy for me???
Please help..!!
Hi akansha,
I again repeat what i always – in arranged marriage, it just clicks!! there is no logic or formula to it….it just clicks between 2 people.
So i suggest that you meet this guy a number of times, be your own self and make clear your expectations and ask his expectations as well.
Always look for the factor that – will this guy be my best friend for my entire life?
If the answer is yes, then marry him 🙂
Advice helps?
Thanks for the advice Deepesh… Will give ourselves a chance to talk, connect and meet. Will let u know how it goes.
Thanks once again….!!!:-)
Hey!
Im a 20 years old girl who lives i europe with my family. 🙂 My parents has startet thinking about my marriage and all and they have also met a guy and his parents and now they want me and my brother (younger than me) to meet him an his sister (older than him) Iam a chubby girl, and im a little scared about what to talk about and etc. My parents said that he is a really good and “sanskaari” guy.. But what should i talk about and like i said im chubby and he is slim (i dont want to actually get rejected) ;( What to do!!
Hi Dipika,
2 things –
1. Everyone has to look presentable, not necessarily good looking. Being chubby or fat is not good for anybody and it is totally unhealthy as well.
So please don’t be lazy and work hard to get into shape. Do this only to gain confidence on your own self and not for anybody. You seem to lack confidence now.
2. Regarding being rejected, you cannot do anything about it. You cannot fake in front of him and try and impress him. Please be your own self. If you has to like you, he has to like the real you.
If he rejects you, then hard luck. You need not get so upset about it.
You are very very young and have at least 5 years to get married….so chillax.
Advice helps?
Hi Deepesh.,
I m in a problem & have asked for help from everyone I can but all in vein. Now U may help me out.
I am Mr. A., I love a girl & we are in relationship for the last 3 years. I have asked my parents to allow me to marry that girl but my family is an Orthodox one & they are not allowing me as the girl is of other caste! Now they are searching brides for me but I dnt want to marry anyone except her neither she wants to marry anyone else. Now they have searched a girl & are asking me to meet her.
Plz help me out of this situation.. Plzzzzz
Mr. A,
My friend…firstly your problem is the most common problem on earth. Almost every love marriage couple face this same problem. I am honestly very surprised that no one was able to help you till now.
So I am sure that you have made this problem very big in your mind and blown it too much out of proportion.
The answer to your problem is very simple –
Be adamant with your parents that you will marry your GF and no other. They will keep forcing you to meet other girls and marry someone else. This will go for many months and in fact couple of years as well. They will emotionally blackmail you but you have to be adamant and remain strong.
Once they realize that after so much of pressure, you won’t bend, then they will be forced to allow you to marry your GF.
So you will have a tough time for long but STAY STRONG.
Advice helps?
Nice article I m sure will help me in getting the right guy, will wait for the click!!
Hi deepesh,I need your advise on this guy I have met personally once n he contacted me through matrimonial site n we started chatting for few days n then decided to meet him…now my dilemma is about few things n I need your help with firstly I wanted a guy taller than me when it comes to physical looks but he is same height almost(I am 5’6″ n he is 5’8) al though he isn’t shorter than me…but this thing still keeps playing on my mind coz I always wanted a guy taller than me but my parents trying to convince me that equal heights in a couple isn’t bad either they look good together?should I ignore that
Secondly he is financially rich but doesn’t work in India just manages his parents property in India money wise so kinda not doing any job or business but he promises that he’ll do work when he will be overseas coz I am Australian citizen n he will b moving after marriage with me n his brother is already there n I have been told that they have house n running business which he’ll join there when he gets there.so my question is that should I ignore his non working situation in here which my parents n me bothers sometime?
Thirdly I’didnt click instantly with him but he seems to be very honest like me n is ready to give proof of his financial stability to me or my parents.what do u think about this?n more I know about him more I think I like his nature coz he seems to b mature
Fourthly although it’s silly question but he is 1 year younger than me in age too?should I worry about it too?
Plz help me how should I go about it the concerns I have.
Hi Bali,
@Height – its OK to have a husband who is not that tall, but he needs to carry himself well even if his height is less
@financial stability – be very sure of his financial stability and do the necessary investigation. There have been many cases of cheating and fake profiles, when it comes to job and financial stability
So go all out to investigate about him.
@ 1 year younger – When boy and girl are of the same age or boy is younger, more often that not the boy is immature than the girl. BUT if you feel that he is mature enough, then this age barrier is not a big deal.
Advice helps?
Hi deepesh,
Thanx for ur reply I am asking again about the same guy whom I have met twice by now I have got to know him by talking over phone chat n meeting n I have found out that he doesn’t work at all n says he earns approximately 2lacs a month through rental income n all but he says he will work when he go overseas with me n which my parents says he isn’t used of working how can we be sure that he will be working there who’s living luxurious life on his parents money n when I asked him reason he said he never needed to earn any money…which even I find unsatisfactory n kinda find him unemployed n not in habit of working
Secondly he’s so much in rush to marry me that he aint ready to give me time to even think about it
he is very convincing in what he says to me about his future plans n money he has n ready to prove me documents about what his parents have n his personal bank balance too. He is already planning future with me which seems too good to be true
Although I am still wanting to meet him coz my heart is saying he is honest on the other side he isn’t settled on his own feet I mean what he has is just bank balance but no work or house of his own hard work..I like him as a person but I seem to be compromising a lot on many things n taking risk on him as to what if he doesn’t work after marriage.should I believe him or not ?my parents says he isn’t right match for me which I kinda agree with them.should I still continue seeing him or not?very confused plz help?
Hi Bali,
I agree with your parents. A girl shouldn’t marry a guy who is living on his parent’s money and himself doesn’t earn at all.
I suggest you to cancel this prospect and find some other guy. Period.
Advice helps?
hi..
i am at the age of 24 and engineer. after 1st meeting with a guy i like him by his nature , body lang . he contacted me through fb and eventully he asked my contact no. so i jst gave it. he contacted me on watsapp den after some conversation he mentioned about my teeths ( my teeths are lil bit in disorder manner bt it dont looks so odd) . He adviced me to go through dental help and make it correct, at that time i take it possitivly nd consult wid doctor next day …bt doctor said that it will take almost 1 year to correct perfectly along wid this he also mentioned that it doesn’t look so odd nd there is no big deal with it ,so u can just ignore it, no need to correct it.
i want ur help to know how to react to guy now about it ???,
i really like him..
Hi Nids,
He is right if he had told you to correct your teeth. Isn’t looking presentable your responsibility as well? Same applies to both sexes.
You are overthinking; if you really like him and if he is a mature and good boy, go ahead with this prospect.
Hi deepesh..
Really like all you blogs and the great advice you give to people..thanks for the mental satisfaction which i think most of the people get.
Actually i love a guy with same level of education and pay scale and personalities. I’m from Delhi he is from Haryana. We got engaged in feb of this year but due to some issues his family really misbehaved with me and said very bad things which was out of his knowledge also. Although he is a very nice person hismelf never even talked rudely to me always loved me and still do so..but due to his family’s attitude my family called off the wedding and not even ready to rethink about cuz acc to them once relationships get ruined they can never be got back to normal whatever you do..plus financial issues are also there..although his family apologised for their misbehaviour but my family is totally against now cuz they fear these things will never get back to normal..its even difficult for me to forget what all they said but i just find the boy very nice and love him a lott..he also wants us to be together..
Boy is very nice very loving loyal caring honest..but what should i do ? Listen to what my parents are saying or what i think? Please please help..
Hi Akriti,
I understand that you love this guy very much. Doesn’t that answer everything? 🙂 If you really love a guy, you should definitely go ahead and marry him. No obstacle should be big for you both.
Yes…his family might be crazy, so I would strongly suggest to stay separately from his family. NOT in a different city or country, BUT within the same city. Thus we can meet his family every week and thus love also remains between both parties.
Advice helps?
Thanks deepesh..
Akriti this side..even i had this thing in mind but he doesn’t even want to live separately from his family..he want to live with then only and i know things wont ever work out well between me and them after so much of issues.. If he agrees then there’s no problem but he wants to be with them as well.. Thats why only my family is not willing now..
Don’t marry him if he is adamant to live with his family only.
It is really stupid and immature of him to decide this, inspite of knowing all this.
It is such a pity that boys behave so stupidly.
It is better to not marry him rather than living in hell.
Again not your fault and your boy has to be completely 100% blamed for this.
Akriti here!!
Thanks deepesh..
This is the only reason i’m soo much confused..i really dont want to separate him from his family but they already behaved soo rudely with me and i’m sure they will again do in near future and he will never live separately..
My family also wants to me to back out..
If he is mature enough, he will understand the need to stay separately. (again repeat, stay separate but in the same city and always weekly meet parents)
Else as suggested, let go off with this immature guy
Hello Deepesh,
I am 30 yrs old and 2 weeks back I met one guy through matrimony. He seems to be a good guy considering all the basic criteria for marriage like job, money, nature,family, looks etc.At first, i found him really focused and kind of person who knows what he wants in his life. We definitely connected. Our families knows about us. However, they are open to the idea of us meeting and liking each other first. Post that both families would get involved. As we spoke and met, i liked him and he liked me too. However, there seems to be difference in our nature in terms of I am more emotional and he is more practical. His value system is different than mine.he is taking time to digest it and say yes to me. I am not sure about what to do now. He is really confused about me on some things as he says I am very much matured in few things and kiddish in few. As per him I am too philosophical and independent at the same time. I gave him an option to opt out. He is not ready for that too and wants to take effort. I am not sure about the time frame needed for this or how should i respond in this situation.
I like this guy and feels like we can work out. I am not sure if he feels the same about me anymore.
Please suggest
Hi Ashwini,
Whats happening with you happens with many people in arranged marriage. It is a common problem of cold feet and compatibility between 2 individuals.
All I would tell is that give him a deadline of 2-3 weeks. You can’t wait for eternity for his go-ahead. Also more time you give, more will you get involved in this guy and later it will get very difficult for you to get out of this.
Advice helps?
Regards,
Deepesh
Hi Deepesh,
Yes, It does help. This guy has now told me that he is at a close friend stage and not ready to get married to me. He is very comfortable and can be candid in front of me. However, still the issues about my perception on love and life makes him uncomfortable. I, will give him deadline.
Thank you.
Regards,
Ashwini
Hie,
I have heard that during the initial meetings people ask different situations to each other just to gel up well and to know how will they tackle. Whether it is in personal life or professional. I want to know what kind of situations should we give?
Hi Avantika,
It is very difficult to tell in black and white, as to what to tell and not tell.
All i would say is that once you get comfortable with the person, then you can divulge sensitive details of yours like – past bfs, any health issues, maybe exact expectations of yours, etc.
DON’T do it in the first meeting…get the confidence on the guy first.
Hi deepesh, I would like to hv a little suggestion.
I m a dentist and an above average looking girl. My parents searchd a groom fr me, hes very talented, established,he cm frm a affluent family, his nature is gud, evruthin is fyn. Bt he looks bad, i mean nt evn presentable.
I dnt expect a vry handsome guy, bt atlst he sud b presentable i think, so is ot wrong to reject him just cuz he dnt look gud ? Wat of i dnt feel attracted to him later ?
Hi Sb,
Its a tough choice when all is good, but the guy is not presentable at all.
If you are highly uncomfortable, I suggest to look for another prospect.
Advice helps?
Hi deepesh,
My parents are looking for a groom to get my sister married. The marriage brokers usually know nothing about the grooms and lie anything just to get the money. matrimony sites are not helping too. How do i make sure that my sister is married to a nice guy and not some jerk?
Hi Navin,
The only way to find about the guy is to –
1. most importantly talk with that guy personally. As an elder brother, you have every right to ask that boy various Qs like about his habits, job, salary, etc. This is the most fool-proof way
2. Try finding contacts who would know this guy and then ask them about him
3. Some people even do police verification without the boy even the boy coming to know about it. Seems crazy but it doesn’t seem a bad idea either.
Hi…am 23 …currently pursuing cs ..my parents are looking for a guy for me ..my family like a guy for me and they told me to talk to him on call ..but i just dont know how to start the conversation with him..what i should ask him …n i had a bf in past but due to inter caste and age factor my family rejected hi and i dony have guts to leave my parents for him even though we loved each other a lot should i tell this thing to him or not..
Hi Survi,
Like i have said in almost my replies, please don’t tell about your past in the 1st or 2nd meeting to your prospect.
but DEFINITELY tell him in the 2nd or 3rd meeting, when you have gained confidence on him. NEVER hide your past from your prospect
Hi Deepesh,
My name is Tanya.I am passing through the most tough face of my life.I received a marriage proposal .The boys parents were well educated ,good family ,the boy is well educated ,had a good character as well.When the proposal first came to me I did not like his photo,told my parents about it,but they insisted meeting in person and deciding.He kept contacting me via skype/phone.He wanted to speak to me but i was confused .I had lot of office stress as well.My parents convinced me to speak to him.Since I am 30 ,i thought let me not let this proposal go ,i used to speak to him but with confusion in my mind .I could not like him.I am girl who always wanted an arranged marriage .Never in life thought I would land up in such a problem.He felt I am not liking to have conversation with him.But I did not tell anything negative to him ,I thought let me see him in person and decide.After 2 months he came to India.My parents arranged for a meeting.I was totally upset.Again looking at him I thought “oh god I do not want him”.But somehow in confusion state ,with parents wanting to go ahead with the proposal I said yes and engagement was done.Then on the problem started I could not somehow accept him as he is.Constantly worried about his appearance(still cant figure out what was happening).I ended up upsetting my health and had to call off engagement.Due to this problem resigned my job as well and now I am in my hometown.
I know appearance is not everything in life but knowing the fact I could not act accordingly.I have screwed my life,people criticize me for behaving like this .I still cant figure out what happened and why?
Does such a thing happen to people ?Need your opinion…
Thanks,
tanya.
Dear Tanya,
The problem is YOU. You need help and you need to be mentally remain calm.
You can’t do anything with the mess that has already happened, but what you are currently doing with your life is TOTALLY WRONG.
Leaving your job and settling in your hometown is not done at all. You can’t behave like loser and you have to fight back in life.
To specifically answer your Qs –
I still cant figure out what happened and why?
Deepesh reply – You are yourself a very confused person and you need to be mentally firm. You need to take help from an expert/friend/relative who can teach you how to handle it.
It is long fight and I can’t explain over a single post
Does such a thing happen to people ?
Deepesh reply – The same situation that happened to you happens to everybody, but they handled it well but you unfortunately couldn’t.
Does my opinion help?
Please be fighter and rise up in life. I hope you will get all the courage and strength for it 🙂
Regards,
Deepesh
Hi..really this was a useful article.
I m little fat..he wants me to become perfect .he s also right.he s speaking abt health fitness only.but somewhere I feel this matter should not be a barrier in my future personal life.
Hi Vijaya,
Staying fit is very important. Please do the needful.
But your feeling is also correct. The affection for each other should not be bound to the looks of each other.
I suggest you have a talk with him softly regarding it.
Regards,
Deepesh
Hi,
I am 23+ and my relative as suggested one guy. i dont know him, he dont know me. They say prepare a bio data ( as like CV) and send them. Is it right to give them bio data. I dont think its right approach. Please guide me for that. Is this the first step to arrange marriage.
Hi Neha,
Biodata is the first and right step for orthodox arranged marriage. Else you need be on some matrimony website and pass the online link to them.
Regards,
Deepesh
Hi Deepash my name is Raj I read your blog It’s great but I have actually married a person not too long ago and We had only one week after meeting first time and now J feel like she is not my type and I don’t know what to do need some help please
Hi Raj,
I feel bad for you my friend.
I won’t suggest you divorce. Please read my other article for any help –
It helps?
Regards,
Deepesh
Hi Deepesh,
My name is Chaitra ,24 yr old ,last week, i got one proposal for marriage,my parents sent him the my photo through whatsapp.
He is working as a CA in american company.
He called me next day and his first enquired about my education,when I said, i’m a BSC graduate and a campus hire and working in a mns company as a engineer and i’m doing M tech i.e offered in the company as a work integrated learning program me.
He sounds confused,even after my all explanation and his questions went on my education.I explained him again.
Still he doesn’t seems to satisfied and he told that he will enquire .I said ok.
next question is about my salary,how much i’m earning and yrs of experience in company and what type of work i’m doing and again questions on mtech like on what subject i’m doing m tech.
His next question is are you on Facebook ,LinkedIn .
Actaully i’m not in any of this ,as i’m not interested.
At last he told that can you send you another photo to me.
I told that which photo you are having currently,he told that he didn’t saw my photo yet as he is very busy.I told ok i’ll send and i sent him the photos.
At last he told that he is busy and he needs to catch a flight and he cut the call.
I felt hurt ,a i felt bad for the way he is firing the question and his attitude.
could you please suggest me ,the way I’m thinking about him is wrong? and is that fine asking these questions before seeing her photo?.
Thanks,
Chaitra.
Hi Chaitra,
Sorry for the late reply.
Please ignore and disapprove this prospect. He seems an idiot. Period.
Advice helps?
Regards,
Deepesh
Thank you very much Deepesh for the advice.Your advice helps me in taking the decision.
Hi Deepesh,
Am 29-yr old lady. I’ve seen a guy recently and at first look he seemed like a brother to me (no offence but because of his personality like less height around 5’7 and very lean). I didnt find him attractive (though he is handsome). I know looks are not the important thing but i didnt find him quite manly. That’s the main reason. I always dreamt of having married to a guy who looks elder and manly.
Keeping that aside, I didnt like his posture when he came to see me at my home. In front of all the unknown elders, he sat with his one leg upon the other and shaking the other. I know am looking at minute things, but first impression always matters a lot.
He said yes to this match the very next day which really annoyed me and when asked the reason for being able to decide so quickly, he said he liked my jiju and the way both the families mingeld with each other This annoyed me more and more because I thought he should give importance to our compatibility than rest all.
Am confused what to do with this prospect. Am not 100% satisfied. I would say 50/100. He sounded to be a good guy and also another positive is that he is from a known family, Keeping these positives aside, I have the above negative observations on him and also he is 5 years elder to me which makes me to step back. ( I cant hear elders lectures my whole life :|)
Also he earns 9L per annum and has a Honda activa bike. If am not wrong in my thinking, being a 34 yr old man, he should be well settled with at least one thing in hand – like a car or a house or atleast a good bike. I feel very insecure about my future If I marry him.
Can you please suggest If am over thinking or am I thinking correctly? What do you think I should do?
Dear Sandi,
You are right in your thoughts that you posted here.
I suggest if you are having other prospects who are better, then you should go with either of them but not this non-manly guy.
Let me know what you eventually decided.
Regards,
Deepesh
Hi Thanks for the article.
I am 29 and earning 8l/annum. averagely looking
well my parents has seen one girl for me in matrimonial site and then they have also met her personally and then my parents has told me to talk to her. And she is the first one to whom i am started talking to for the marriage proposal.
as we leave in different cities. so we have spoken on phone and on skype but we haven’t got chance to meet face to face, because of my job but we are planning to meet soon. its been a month now we are regularly in touch.
but the situation is now started to getting messy.
her father has fall sick and my parents has not got any green signal till now from there side. And i understand as its obvious, Any family will not give green signal until and unless they see the groom face to face. Though we are going to meet them very soon but still my parents are forcing me to consider to see some more matches .
on the other hand as we haven’t seen each other or her parents or relatives has not seen me. yes i have spoken with there relatives but then also they are telling her to see some more matches. she is actually committed to me and as well as i am committed to her. But she is feeling the heat now from there relatives and parents end.
our connection just happened and seriously i think she is the right one for me.
But for this situation, we started fighting.
As she is saying to come early and to stay with her on this situation , but my parents are orthodox basically, they believe in astrology and they said to meet the bride the correct date is last of June.
with this scenario what should i do as i did not want to hurt my parents as well as i did not want to hurt her.
need your some tips . how to handle this situation. Please help.
Hi prabhu ( Name changed),
sorry for the late reply.
It is amazing how without meeting the girl you have found the connect with her. It is good.
Even I suggest to first meet the girl and decide the next course of action. The reason is that after meeting a person face-to-face makes lot of difference.
After meeting, you are sure that this is the right girl for you, then go all out to get it.
Regards,
Deepesh
Hi Deepesh, Thanks for the tip.
Many things has went in couple of months. I have seen her and the minute i seen her i fallen for her. there was tremendous amount of energy in our conversations. we talked about lot of things and i must say. i found my better half in first arrange proposal. “Strange” we went for movie other amusement, we had a lovely dinner and i drop her at her house. N i know She felt the same, Because when i was leaving for my “karm bhumi” she was in tears. our parents agreed , and just before 3 days my parents was going for discussion on deciding the Marriage date to meet her parents.
we got the shocking and extremely demoralize news that her father ( my would be father in law) had a severe heart attack and he passed away on 6th sep. 2016. our marriage date decision was on 9th sep 2016. which is obviously cancelled and her mother has called off the wedding and said to my parents, that in this scenario i cannot make any decision. And she doesn’t want her daughter to go outside the city or leave her actually.Her mother is correct now in this situation i completely understand, On the other hand also my parents has moved on and they are searching for new matches.
but i think we became so strong now that we are on still on that level of terms and the good news is we have taken this seriously and to the next level. Gladly i can call her now my GF.
But the issue is our parents. how to deal and how to convince them. As they don’t want to listen us. Should we ask time from them, as i think time is the best remedy now.
Please suggest or advise us how we can take this further with our own individual parents.
Hi Prabhu (Name changed),
If you love her, you will go to any extent to get her and you need to do that only.
You wanted to hear exactly this….didn’t you?
Take time and convince her mom; there will always come a mid-way
Advice helps?
Hi I have this proposal and the guy works in dubai. He has been there for eight years working…so far its fine. I haven’t seen the guy yet but their parents like me and guy would visit India to see me soon. This is all fine..but I have never asked him his salary so far ciz I could make it out from his experience wat his salary could be approximately. …I am sure not bad. But my brother who is also in dubai insisting me to ask the guy about his salary as I am the only person in contact with the guy. My parents are not bothered about salary but my brother. And I am hesitant hw to ask it straightforward. Do you have any tips for me.
Hi,
(sorry for the late reply)
Knowing the salary of a prospect who is settled abroad is very important. We have heard of cases of various types of duping, so your brother is very right.
I strongly suggest that you tell your prospect that your brother will contact him to inquire about the salary. Put the blame on your brother and DON’T make yourself the bad person. Let your brother do the needful
Cheers!
Hi,
Sorry for lot of posted that are the same. It didnt come up so I thought there was an error. My appology.
Regards,
Lin
Thank you!
My culture is similar to india I guess. Thanks for your advice. I will make more contact to get to know him.
Does you experience having anyone asked about sporsorship to oversea throught arrange marriage though? Real marriage
Posted but the message not appear
Hi,
I am arranged marriage with a man oversea who want to come to Australia. Asked by his relative hear. The relative look mu family for dinner once.
The man is 3 years younger than me around 24.
His relative gave him his facebook and we talk on facebook once. Now a couple of days never receive any facebook from him again yet. But he been on facebook a lot as saw his post.
Should I wait for him to always contact me or I should do it?
I share he just want to come here. I dont know and please advice how I should approach and get to know him more.
Hi,
I live in Australia and having an arrange marriage with a man from my country Cambodia. The man family asked my family for him. This brother live in Australia. and his relatives. This parents in Cambodia.
We have added each other on facebooks as his brother and relative hear wanted us to contact.
His relative hear took my family for dinner once.
We chated on facebook once.
Then he didnt contact me on facebook for a couple of day now. Should I just wait for him to always contact first?
How should I approach this contact or getting to know him. I am scare he just want to be in Australia.
Please advice on how I can get out of communication with him and get to know if he is a good man.
Thanks
Dear Lin,
This is first time a non-Indian has posted on my blog. (presuming that that you are non-Indian).
Happy to help you, but I am not able to fully understand your issue. With what I have understood, you are apprehensive about this guy and wanted to know how good or genuine he is!
Firstly it is OK if you also contact him, instead of waiting for him to contact you. More than Facebook, try getting on Skype or VOIP or Phone call and TALK with him much as possible.
Ask him about his life, what he plans to do further with life, ask about his friends, etc. Ask him how he would react to a certain situation, to know his habits and know how genuine he is!
Regards,
Deepeesh
Hi Deepesh!!
Thanks for your kind help always..
Hope you remember my last post from Monica I shared few days back.as i told i wana marry that guy but i’m confused but finally i talked to my family about the matter and asked them to sort out the things as the boy and his family is feeling guilty of their fault and apologised as well..and the boy is just too good..
But my family is not at all ready now after seeing what all happened and seeing their rude behaviour as well.. They fewr that this can be repeated anytime in future and specially after this 1.5 months of quarrels ..they will definitely behave rudely with me in future by keeping this time period in mind..this thing scares my parents and they are not ready to reconsider the boy..although they still want to patch up and boy too is requesting..
What should i do..i’m also not in a condition to see any other match as i really love him and he loves me more than i do.. Please suggest me how to convince my family..??
Their concern is also not wrong that anything can happen and may be they will again misbehave or do something wrong but on the other side one true fact is that boy is veryy good and now a days we cant find such a guy whose just very simple down to earth educated loving and caring..who just respects women and his wife..
What shouls i do??!
Hi Monica,
Had you replied to your existing post earlier, I would have got the context of your previous issue. So frankly I am unable to remember your previous comment.
But your current situation has also has a simple answer – Please do marry this guy. Simple. Period.
It is very very difficult to find a good guy like this one. 🙂
Hi, I’m 22 yr old girl, will be 23 in few months. My family is quite modern and broad minded, so without any pressures of getting married, I am able to come to Germany for my Masters. They had already told me that untill I tell them they will not search guy for me and also they already asked if I love someone or in future if I do, they have no problem with that if everything is fine. The problem is relatives and people in Indian society, they keep on bringing offers for marriage. My family denies them strongly everytime, but if the offer is from guy also in Germany here, the can’t resist to ask me if I’ll see him. Ya it is because I have told them I’ll do arrange marriage. When I argue, they say that its just for seeing if you can be compatible and the promised not to do marriage until I finish my study, get a job and feel settled in life. I still have 1 yr of study left and these stuff makes me too uncomfortable. They are little worried as I’m short in height and little healthy. Also they say say if you see now, you have enough time to know guy before marriage and you can decide better. They are not searching full time, just if they get offer with guy too in Germany, they get tempted.. I’m really confused for what should I do,, please suggest ..
Hi Sanj,
I feel you are still very young and can easily the offer of seeing the guy, even though he might be in Germany.
Strongly tell this to your parents and make a strong statement.
Tell them that you are game for match-making after you turn 25. Strike this deal and stick to it.
Regards,
Deepesh
Hi Deepesh,
You are right in whatever you said. Am not happy either to do this. I wish I have the guts to just run way. But as they say its only the person who is suffering will know what exactly it is like.
Iam not coward, but probably an emotional fool (as most Indians are) getting trapped in mixed emotions.
My dad’s health is in very bad state and if my decision of going away with my bf will have a bad impact on my dad, I will have to regret my whole life for loosing him. Already everyone is kind of pointing fingers on me that its partly because of me that he is getting mentally & physically weak. Iam really in a big mess. Also my parents are financially dependent on me. So cannot leave them just like that.
At this minute, weird thoughts come to my mind like going away from everyone or being dead in some disaster (again I don’t have guts to commit suicide 😐 ). From a positive angle, I feel why dont I give a try to start a new life with the guy my parents chooses and hence I have accepted for meeting this guy. I dont want to hide this thing from the guy am going to meet. This would again kill me for my entire life if we get married. So if he positive about me, I will tell the actual thing and am planing to leave the decision to him. And about my bf, I have requested him to move on and will try to help him whatever I can. I cannot see any way out.
Apologies if this is not the right forum to discuss this stuff 😦
Hi Sia,
I still feel you can marry your BF and together you both can take care of your ailing father. There is no need to leave your father. You can support them financially after marriage as well. Together you can still live a happy family
Your dad has to decide – he either chooses his ego or common sense!
BUT what I see from you is that you have totally decide you leave your BF and go ahead with the arranged marriage. So all the best with it.
And yeah….please let your potential life partner know about your past…but don’t tell him in the first meeting. Tell it in the 2nd or 3rd meeting.
First, thank you for nice post and helping people on such a topic I cant ask anyone.
I am 29+ years, moderately-earning job (9 LPA), simple decent living guy.
I don’t know how how to find girls. My situation is not good.
I have registered paid subscription in online matrimony portals. Interests are accepted but things do not move after that.
From my side, no one taking active interest in finding girl. On top of that, if someone calls, they start finding faults in proposals. My parents have left it to God for things to just happen.
I am trying through online portals from last 1.5 years. Met only 1 girl and talked to 3-4 girls on phone. Now, I am fed up as this way not working or I see chances very less finding girl through this.
Hi Raj (name changed),
Please don’t leave it to your parents for approving the girl. If you like a girl after evaluating her properly, then be assertive with your choice.
You have to live with your wife, not your parents.
I am confused how you are unable to find girls, as in arranged marriage a guy is only approved based on his salary, which is good in your case.
Please spend more time on various matrimony sites and proactively send interest invites to the prospects online.
Regards,
Deepesh
hi Deepesh!!
i am 23 year old and pursing mba. i dont know why my parents are so excited about my marriage now? For next 2-3 years, my career is first priority in my life. but they have started searching boy for me. sometime i got irritated form this.
actually my father is orthodox type and take lot of tension of my marriage. its may be because i am overweight girl.
i dont know what to do ? i am just listening what they say and hope for the best in future.
but still it leads to create tension between me and my parents.
please advice me what to do in this case?
Hi Ananya,
Your parents may be right from their side and they are genuinely worried about you. Yes..23 is a very young age for marriage.
You can tell assertively to wait for couple of years more.
Now..most importantly..please work on your over-weight. If God has made you dark/short/ etc then it is not your fault, but if you are overweight then it is definitely your fault.
Please do weight training, work on your diet, exercise well. The day you become fit, you will automatically feel confident and good about yourself.
Staying healthy is always good.
Makes sense?
Hello
I am in talks to marry a guy.still it is not fixed.I have a job in Mumbai where I am settled. The guy is from Pune so if marry to this guy I have to leave the job. Second I have spoke with him through watsapp and I found that he is a simple guy and has many common inerests. I showed my chats to my 2 friends and they even say I should mary him. He is marriage material.
7/10 points match. The only problm is i have no gut feeling nor that click. What should I do ?
Hi RG,
Ask me, you should marry this guy!
As I always say, make your guy your best friend. You can ignore that click factor!
Once you are best friends with your husband..life is amazing 🙂
Advice helps?
Hi i’m a Doctor 25 years old from Delhi working in a govt hospital in delhi only..My family found a match last year on shadi.com who belongs to haryana..they met the guy and family but sometimes didn’t suit them so they didn’t consider the match but during that time period me and that guy had conversations and started likinh each other..he is an engineer working in a reputed MNC with same package as mine..the boy is very nice very genuine and honest which i have judged in this one year time span..he has most of the qualities which a girl wants..looks education nature well behaved very honest and decent..
But The guy doesn’t have his own house here in Delhi although he has in haryana in his hometown..
This year in January i convinced my family for this guy..
i got engaged in february this year.. Evrything was going very smoothly but suddenly everything got shattered as one day we had some arguments due to which his brother and mother called me up and shouted at me very badly without even knowing the whole scenario..but the boy didnt know all this when he got to know he felt very bad and apologised for everything..but his family’s behaviour was very very rude and my family called off the wedding seeing their rude attitude towards me..although they too apologised but my family is not able to trust them again ..they think this can anytime pe repeated in future so we cant carry on with this marriage..
he loves me a lot and wants to marry me even i want but after all this i dont know what step to take..because the relationship which has got so many ups and downs already how will it be got back to normal again specially between his family and me..his mom says it wont be repeated ever i guarantee u and all..but now m badly confused what to do..if i take a step ans marry him then it would all be my own decision not my family’s as they dont want..
The boy being soo nice and genuine i’m not able to get over with him..just because of his family all this happened.. He is no where wrong in all this..he has been 100% true and nice all the way..
What should i do? Should i jus think abouth the boy and convince my family to marry him or should i also think about his family as we have to live together..and back off??
I’m trying to make things back to normal and even he is trying his best he wants it more than me..he has loved me more than anything else..he just says he can talk and fight with anybody for me..i just need to support him.. At Every point he is just standing beside me..
What should i do?? Please help me!!
Dear Monica,
You have you written a very long comment, but luckily the answer is very short 🙂
Please go ahead and marry this guy !!
Very rarely in today’s age you find a guy who loves a girl and is mature and understanding as well. Any boy you marry, you are going to face issues with his in-laws.
So the only thing that matters is that how supportive , understanding and mature your husband is!!
Got it?
Hey monica again this side..
Thanks for the reply..
I know the guy is very very nice and loving..its true that in today’s age its very rare to find such a guy like he is.. He is totally one woman man and very humble..the only issue of concern for me is that whatever happeend in last few days will it ever come back to normal?? Will our families respect each other like they did before..?? All that incident wont create problems in my upcominh future and relations with my in laws thats his family?? Will they love me like he does..?? My family says dont marry him now as his mother and brother will definitely wont support u much and may be wont even love that much but that guy will always do..thats for sure and everyone knows he will..what should i do now? Whether i should see the guy’s quality and go on with it or i should see the family as well..
Hi Monica,
It is true that the in-laws will surely create some issues in your case. Don’t expect smooth going in your post marriage life with your in-laws.
Also big house is not a big deal, although it is an asset. I suggest you stay with in-laws for few months or a year, then you both shift to our own house (owned or rented). Its OK to do that.
Hi Deepesh,
Any of your advice will be really helpful !!
Am a 28 yr old girl in love with my colleague. But due to caste differences (after so many attempts convincing parents), unfortunately we couldn’t go ahead with our marriage.
For the sake of my parents’ health (my dad’s health is deteriorating day by day because of the reason that am still not married) and for the sake of my boy friend (He is already 32 and i dont want to spoil his life waiting for me), I said yes to my parents for an arranged marriage so that at least then my boy friend will move on with his life and my parents will be happy.
I really dont want to get married/take decision in this position but I had to. I tried explaining this to my parents. But they have their own reasons to get me married which I cant deny. I feel devastated with this situation and in another two weeks, a prospects’ parents and the boy will be coming to see me. I really dont want this to happen. How to handle this prospect? Should I go ahead in a positive way if I can? or just be as am (which can leave an impression that am not ok with this marriage).Please help me with your thoughts/advice.
I just feel so ashamed what on the earth are we doing to the younger generation in the name of caste/religion. Shame on us 😦 and we speak very great about Indian arranged marriage system when it really doesn’t help everyone. For some it is just pressure and I know how it feels like.
Hi Sia,
Frankly speaking, Parents are very selfish people. They want their children to get married according to their own wish and thus spoiling the life of their children.
And yeah.. in your case, if the boy whom you have chosen doesn’t earn well, is a bad person, then they are totally right from their side.
BUT if you feel that your BF is a very good person, earns well and will take good care of you, then I strongly suggest to go against your parents to marry this BF of yours. Don’t come under the pressure of your parents and their blackmail.
Many girls marry under pressure of their parents, then get married and then spoil their own life and even their husbands life.
Stay strong, stay bold.
Advice helps?
Hi Deepesh
Thank you for your reply. Yes he is earning very good and a great person.
I wish I could do that I.e go against my parents wish and marry my bf. But unfortunately that really isn’t an option for me because of many reasons. We have gone through lot of pain throughout our lives since childhood so I don’t want to bring more pain to my parents because of me and hence am stepping back from kind of eloping and helpless. I really have no clue what is going to happen to my life. And this match fixing thing in next two weeks is bringing me nerves, depression and more anger. I do not know how to handle that boy and parents on that day.
Hi Sia,
I am still shocked with what you have decided to do with your life i.e. almost a suicide!
See…this might be rude but its the truth – Only to please your parents who are going to live for only few years, you decide to spoil your life for the coming for around 40 years of your own life!! Insane!!!! What illogical and stupid sacrifice is this?
I again repeat….don’t spoil your life for someone else. You would be only nervous, depressed and angry for your entire life!
I always give advice on how to handle boys in arranged marriage, but I am really disappointed to give any. The only reason is that you will face lot of issues, when you marry any of the arranged marriage guys. You are even spoiling the life of that innocent guy 😦
Am I still making sense?
Hello sir,
I got engaged to a guy . Earlier his family members and he himself said he earn 2-3 lacs per month and work as an officer in merchant navy. BT later on after engagement I realised that he didn’t and now he says that he didn’t get call from his company. He is saying that he’ll start some business. When ever I ask that from where you will get money to start a business he says ‘ I’ll manage You don’t bother about my profession’. He is not as qualified as I am. I have chosen him just because of his profession. He drinks as well. He promised me that he will give up his drinking habits BT still he do. They even took large amount of dowry from my parents.
I guess he is good by nature BT after listening his lies don’t trust him anymore
So should I marry such person or talk to him about my worries
What to do..plzz help me
Hi Pragati,
I am very sorry to hear your state, especially if you already paid dowry to them 😦
PLEASE IMMEDIATELY LEAVE THIS GUY AND TRY GETTING YOUR DOWRY BACK.
It is unfortunate that people ask for dowry. Shame on such people. This guy doesn’t seem trustworthy and YOU SHOULD NOT MARRY HIM. Period.
Please reply back. ok?
But what about society…?? And in excitement I’ve posted my engagement pics on fb .Everyone knows that I’m engaged to him.
Now he is again doing some course for getting job in navy. But he will get a cadet job only ,as he don’t have any solid degree. And soon he’ll get a call for cadetship. But before engagement he told that he is an officer. His brother is an officer BT he is not.
He even keep on telling me to do job and earn.
Even after knowing all these stuff my relatives tell that I should marry him. And after marriage he will get some good job. But now I don’t consider that he is perfect match for me.
I want to you that should I talk him directly about all my worries????
I always desired a husband who is more successful than me.
Hi Pragati,
You need to spend entire life with guy and so please think if you can sustain for the entire life with him with whatever he is?
Don’t worry about the society and pics posted on FB. People will talk for few days and then forget.
Please immediately talk with this guy of all your worries. Do it now itself.
If you think he is dishonest and immature, then better leave him immediately
hello. My name is Abby. I am residing in Singapore. And i am going for arranged Muslim marriage. ,Today is my 2nd meeting but i am unsure how to approach it.
Any tips?
Hi Abby,
Since it is the second meeting, you can relax and be more comfortable. Also make your partner also comfortable.
As I always keep saying …don’t try to impress your partner continuously! You have to be your own self.
DONT fake and be how you would be with your friends.
Helps?
For the love of life, choose your life partner(s) however you want, not how your parents want….. 😦
Most marriages in India, arranged or otherwise, happen only because of social pressures. There is a constant expectation from people- from men that once they have a good job and a five to six figure salary, they should marry a woman to take care of their homes (as though men can’t look after themselves and need a woman to tidy after themselves!), and if a woman, then her only purpose in life is to be a wife and mother (it does not matter even if she has three PhDs and a Nobel Prize to her credit). And its the same country where marriages are denied to those who want to be together if they belong to different castes, religions, states or are of the same gender. A society composed of hypocrites, to put it mildly.
I genuinely wish there would come a day when ‘arranged marriage’ will become a long forgotten nightmare.
Today is My day see what happens
Hi Deepesh,
First thank you for nice article which helps in several aspects.
I, male 27, having confusions like other what I look in a girl, how can I make decision in first meeting.
As there is one concern, I had a relationship on 2.5 years which ends couple of months ago. Am not completely overcome from that still. I told my mother about this relationship, parents knows about it. They are telling me we know that she will not marry with you so live your life and move on & do marriage because of her you are not marrying while we are telling you from last 2 years.
I understand their situations and i also want to move on and marriage because it the next most important phase of my life. But tricky part is that i don’t know what i have to ask to a girl as I have no intention/demands in my life partners. As you mentioed 7/10 is good score but i have only one or two point.
Looks – Not matter good/average is fine.
Job – No matters
Bank balance – No Matters
Previos relationships – No matter
Virginity – No Matters
Dowry – No
Kind Heart/ Nature – Yes
My only criteria is kind heart. Because money and looks are not everything & will not stay with us through life time. There are ups and downs in life. I will earn enough amount of money for good living.
But when i met a girl to ask, Somehow internally i am doing comparision in my heart. I know it is wrong but don’t know how to overcome this & what i ask to a girl and letting her know about all the facts in first second or third meeting.
I do not have so much demands from a girl and even from any one, neither have questions from anyone this is because of my nature perhaps.
Financially I am doing good, started a business last year, don’t have owned house yet but having own parental house in delhi and planning to book a flat or new house in next couple of years.
Thus after all the facts my questions are:
– how should i understand a person in couple of meetings (Understand not judge, because i am no one to judge any person, i have no right to judge any person, this is my perception).
– Am i doing in right way, if no then how can i correct myself.
– I am looking for life partner, not a business deal. Is this perception is wrong. Because parents are saying you have to look for several things but my beliefs are different in this.
Looking for your advice, to make a decision.
Thanks in advance
Hi Vivek,
overall you seem a mature guy and you yourself know most of the answers that you are looking for 🙂
This might seem little unbelievable but as I always say that ‘ it just clicks in arranged marriage with the right girl’!
I have no specific advice for you, as I somehow feel you know all the right and wrong things in life. So all I would say that just wait for things to ‘click’.
It will take some time, but with your maturity, I am sure you will end up choosing the right girl.
Ok?
Hi Deepesh,
Thanks you for kind words. I believe on them honestly. As you know, sometimes we need to listen the things from others who are experiencing with those things whether we know right or wrong.
Yes, I will wait and let the time do the things instead of me and when I meet someone, I definitely share the view here 🙂
Last, maturity comes from life experiences and I have seen such things in this age of me which shows me gold and money kind of things are worthless. Your richness is calculated on how much things you have that we can’t buy from money.
But in one thing I need your assistance. I believe “Jhooth k buniyad per rishtey nahi bante”… So I want to tell everything of my past to a girl which I meet in future before engadge, is this right? Because it is her right to know all these things whom she going to marry & its her decision then. This all is my perception, thus please share your thoughts and correct me how to do, if I am wrong.
Regards.
Hi,
Regarding past GF, I always strongly suggest to tell the truth to your prospect….but not in the first meeting.
You can tell it in the 2nd or 3rd meeting, when you are comfortable with prospect and trust her 🙂
Hi Vivek,
I Apprieciate your approach, But it is equally important that the girl also shares same approach or else you will end up in biggest blunder of your life i am saying this by own experince.. I too approched in similar manner as i believed in it.. At our 1st & 2nd meeting everything seemed good.. But later after marriage things took U turn.. Most of the things projected by girl & her family during our meeting was not geniuien… Many facts were hidden many facts were manipulated and said.. They could sucessfully do that only because of my nature & approach… They took all the advantages of our approach.. Immediately after the marriage girl started behaving odd was demanding my sepration from my parents… I was agnaist the dowry & strictly said no to dowry n never took any dowry, But the girl & her family went around saying that they gave dowry to us they said so just to build up their prosperity image in front of their relatives & friends…. Which hurted me a lot when i came to know from their friends & relatives…She used often complaint about some or other things of my family members just to create constant pressure on me, so that none of my family members visit me at my home or i visit my native place..They constantly presurized me to damage mine or my family image in society as she had the advantage of being Girl…Her faimly used to constantly thearten that their daughter will commit suicide if wont fulfil the girl demands… The problem was the girl became so obessed of me that she & her family became so greedy n self centered that they wanted to keep me all to herself without sharing to anyone……. They could manage to do all this only because they could take advantages of my nature & my approach during my arranged marriage approach….. So my friend please dont go with only 1 or 2 points & ignore the rest…Do see the family reputation usually well to do families behave responsibly n guide their childrens to behave responsbily in society… See the education level it shows the level of wisdom, maturity n cutulral qualities of the person… See the salary also it shows the exposure level one has got in his/her life usually people with lesser salary behave cheap n r more complicated towards day to day life buisness…. N finally Looks the person who knows to carry well knows to carry the image of self & its life patner also…. Request you to please dont ignore these important points… Trust me hurts a lot when you do things with good intention but very very bad results comes out of it… So keep emotions filmy stunts aside & think intelligently before taking decisions in life… Remember when things fall in place love happiness peace everything comes automatically to LIFE….
Hi Deepesh & Arvind
First thankyou Arvind for you writing to me this long post and you timer. I am totally influenced with your words, you write exactly what am i feeling today and going to feel sooner or later.
Last month one of my cousin getting divorce at the age of 26, that is arrange marriage. It is very difficult and one of the most important decision of life.
Agree to disagree… and i am end up totally confused, people are right when they said this is difficult than taking risks in business.
Deepesh guided very efficiently, but now i am not up to that level to absorb and react according to it. May be because of the influence of past, may be the teachings of the past, may be something else etc…
I tried to talk to girl as per the parent said, give a try but i don’t feel internally.
After weeks from this post, i analyze myself and found the problem, which is “i dont know what i want”. May be i am not ready, may be i am ready and confuse.. Bottom line is “I want to marry and i don’t know why i marry”
Things became complicated now, first meet i don’t know what i asked, why i asked when i meet with met with a girl.. One girl said parents pressurize me to marry against my wish, i want to marry someone else but i will marry according to my parents..
This is shit, i ended up with more frustration. I know people have past, i also have past but i don’t want to live life with a person who don’t have backbone, who cannot take decision in difficult times to herself. As one girl fellow reader write above what she do?.. At a point of time it doesn’t matter how many past relationships she or he having, matter is that are the stand for themselves or ask support from third persons. People should to make choices by their own & take its responsibilities.
Seeking for your more advice what i do.. Shall i wait for some months or years or do what.. is this a common problem with this age or this decision or i have some psychic issues..
Looking for your response friends.
Thanks with Regards
Vivek
Hi,
Recently my parents arranged a meet with a guy. In the first meeting i didnt wanted to marry him. But when we met for the second time my views were completely changed, i really liked his behaviour n found him to b a gentleman. Later on both the families got into discussions about the marriage, but the grooms side was not ready to take any marriage expense on themselves, so i said no to the marriage. A week later i realised that i cant get that guy out of my mind. So i asked my parents to again talk to the grooms parents. Again our marriage was fixed. In the beginning he was behaving in a very loving n caring manner. But this just remained for a week. Might be he is busy with his work. But the amount of calls n texts which i used to get from his side reduced to half. N now we dont have any topics to talk, and its not even a month that our relationship has started. Upon that his family is also a bit orthodox. Whereas i come from a modern family. But the guy is modern.
Please try to help me out of the situation. I am really involved in that guy now and cant make any decision. Our engagement date is also nearing. May be he is looking for a guarantee in our relation n things will change after engagement, thats what i observed from his talks. Because 2-3 times we have broke n again patched up
Please tell me what to do. Is he the right guy for me?
Hi Neha(name changed),
The main thing is that you seem to totally involved in this guy, irrespective who he actually is and what he wants.
I feel you should go ahead with this relationship, as it will be difficult for you to break this one and move to another prospect. Am I right?
If he is really a genuine guy, you should go ahead. Try meeting his friends, as one can know a person by knowing the kind of friends that he keeps.
Otherwise ask him how he dealt with certain situations in his life, how he dealt failure, how he perceives and respects women, and MOST importantly his expectation from marriage and you.
He needs to answer that last one very honestly and not diplomatically.
Advice helps?
Regards,
Deepesh
Right now many problems are going on between the 2 families. I am the only one who is striving hard to solve the issues. He is not taking efforts as much expected. Infact he suddenly stops texting n calling me when issues arise instead of finding solutions over them
Please help me out im too disturbed. Tell me what to do in this situation. Am I doing correct by patching up things?
Hi Neha,
You should definitely try and patch things up…nothing wrong in that.
As you are giving more information, I realize things are getting too tough for you. If before marriage itself there are so many problems, then what is going to happen after marriage!!
The boy should take equal efforts, which is wrong from his side. So if things are so much tough, it is completely fine if you call off this marriage! Its OK!
We do arranged marriage, so that we can evaluate all options of a family and choose the best groom. Its eventually to live a peaceful life. Thus if you are not getting it, then you can quit now itself, before it gets too late
I tried to convince the guy too much. But he is not ready to listen. He says that if there are issues between families then better we wont go ahead. But as i can make my decision of marrying him n b firm on that. Than why can’t he also b firm. Every time he depends on others to take decisions. He doesn’t have any personal opinion about our marriage. But in d beginning he said that once he gets into any relation he doesn’t break it n strives to maintain it. He didn’t behave as he said. Also he is only interested in a glamorous wedding rather than me.
Now he has stopped contacting me.
I cant forget him. What to do? Was he the right person for me?
Hi Neha,
Things are very simple. Quit this marriage and leave this guy!
You are over complicating things!!
He was not the right guy for you. period.
A genuine guy doesn’t behave like this.
BUT I am sure you won’t be quitting and will still try till you are badly heartbroken and make things even worse. Isn’t it? 😦
Now i have also left hopes n stopped contacting the guy. But still i feel sad n cant come out of his thoughts. But now have made up my mind that whatsoever happens i wont contact him
But still I am getting the feeling of regret as i was unable to patch up things. Please suggest me what to do with the negative feelings im getting.
Hi Neha,
Every 3rd person on earth has undergone a serious heartbreak. You are not the first one to deal with it. So it is completely fine.
It will take 3 -4 months to get over it. BUT DONT DARE WASTE MORE TIME THAN THAT.
Quickly move on with life, after taking 3 months. Trust in God, he has planned something good for you.
But you won’t find that person directly coming to your life. You need to continue with your efforts!
Hi neha here. I again beed ur help. Actually i had met d guy to return some of his things which i had with me. But when we met we realized that we are still involved in each other. N i broke out into tears which i didnt wanted to but couldnt control. He is saying that lets give our relation another chance.
What do i do. Should i trust him again?
N how should we tell this to our parents now. As conditions are not very favourable at our places. Please give me a solution
Hi Neha,
Its funny as to how an arranged marriage has turned out to be a love marriage! You are now facing all the issues that happens in a tough love marriage scenario!
The answer is still the same that said earlier…that you are so much into this guy, I don’t think you can move away from him.
Regarding the trust factor, I would leave that completely to you to decide.
Regarding parents, please go and talk with them. I know it is tough but if you do correctly, I am sure that they will oblige. But there has to be strong conviction from you both and between you both.
Please reply to my latest post if u have received it. I need ur help
Hi Neha,
I directly replied on your email ID long time back
Help me out please i need some serious help..
Actually d scenario is my mom n dad showed me d pic of a guy, i was nt intrested by seeing d pic but my parents told me first to meet him n we will dcyd, i had no option but to agree.
So the guy wid his family came to our house, my parents liked him but i was not attracted to him(for me he was nt gud looking ) cuz of which i had no intrest in proceeding things. But my parents said to talk to him n take any dcsn so we both talked for 3-4 day although he was very nice to me then also i still was nt able develop dat anxiety with which he was talking so i dcyded to tell him d truth then i told him everthing felt den he dcyded to not to proceed further
I want to knw wat i did was correct or not
Hi Ritu (name changed),
Although what you did was totally honest, but it was little wrong!
You might be good looking, so you would be seeking a good looking guy, but as I always keep saying that looks are not important. It is only because at the age of 40-45, you both would be fat and ‘not good looking’.
Let me explain what you did wrong – You crushed the confidence of the guy by telling him that he got rejected only because he was bad looking. All of his good nature is totally ignored.
I am NOT saying that you should have married this guy. But you should have aesthetically informed him why you are rejecting him, which I am sure you didn’t do! Hain ki nahi? 😉
S0 got the answer?
Hii deepesh
Its ritu again, i know dat one shud nt judge any1 by luks, trust me wen i say dis i tried a lot not to cnsdr it bt i m nt able to ignore it
And i did nt said dat i dnt lyk u directly i said i dnt feel d connection. i m nt giving any explanation i jus want to tell everything n i seriously need ur help deepesh. I dnt want to judge any1 for der luks
Hi Ritu,
There is nothing wrong in expecting a good looking. But if you r Katrina Kaif, then expecting Hritik Roshan is fine. But you have looks like Rakhi Sawant, then ahem..
It is very simple to avoid judging person on looks. You need to talk with the person, know him better, understand how much he will support you in good/bad times, will he be your support system, will he protect you with your in-laws, most importantly …will he be your best friend!!!!
Start working in it..its easy! OK?
I’ll work on it thanku for d advice….
Actually after reading ur msg i texted d guy saying sorry, i apologized for wat i did n i think he is upset n may be he does not want to listein from me anymore… I dnt knw whether i gussed it ryt or nt. what wud u suggest shud i close dat chapter or shud i try one more time
Hi,
Its OK to close the chapter and move on.
Hi Ritu
You can not say directly to guy like this, because that guy is chosen by your parents and i am damn sure parents always take good decision for children i think you should need to understand their decision. Whatever you did,but you can demoralize person directly even male or female.i hope you will understand next time. there are some feature you can check into a man before getting marriage.
*Nature
*please go dont go with look try to see his behavior towards your family member
*he should be promising,can easily find out with next two meetings
Hiee sir,
Your article is really helpful. I am a CA and I am 26 yrs old living in Mumbai. My parents started looking for a guy. I have very few demands from a guy. 1. Nature 2. Education 3. Owned house 4.he should not have drinking or Smoking habbit and the 5th is Salary. Looks , age difference of 4-5 years and place of living, Professional or businessman doesnt matter for me. I just want he should be an open minded guy with some modern/ liberal thinking.
As its been 6 months we are searching for a guy.The point bothering me is a guy with Owned house will be the valid point or not. As I have come up from a lower class family and have seen or done lot of struggles in everything weather its food, cloth, money, home etc. from past 4-5 years our situation has changed as my brother nd I started earning bought our own house and now we can say ourselves as upper middle class family. Actually I dont have guts or i am afraid to do all that struggles again.Even my parents are also looking for a guy with owned house. But till date we have not met a guy with owned house if he has owned house that kind of guy is businessman and earns good but then education(Under Graduation) is the problem
I am worrying of my age as I storngly believe that evrything should be happened at a right and proper time. Please guide me what should I do? should i ignore that criteria? or Should I wait for some more time then I have to think on ignoring that point?
Hi Ekta (name changed),
All your points and demands are totally correct. There is nothing wrong with it 🙂
You are just 26 and you still have time in hand. Don’t panic with your age. Have faith in yourself and also in God! Keep trying hard to find your prospects.
But yes, you will never find a guy with all the 5 points that you mentioned. At best, you can find 4/5 and the average is 3/5. Reject all guys with 2/5.
But don’t leave a guy who has 4/5.
Advice helps?
Attraction is a very important thing for me…Obviously by 2 meetings I won’t be attratcted…
But how do I know in one or two meetings tht will I be attracted to him or not in future.. What if I am not … Life will suck…
Hi Simmy (name changed),
After 2-3 meetings, if you are not attracted to him then you can cancel that prospect. Period.
In arranged marriage, things just click! So even after 2-3 meetings, you don’t get attracted, you can cancel him and move to the next one.
Ok?
Iwant to educational and beautiful girl jo hamasa happy rha chaha uska ly muja kuch be karna pada
Dear Nevi (name changed),
Sorry Dost, I am unable to understand your comment.
Thoda lamba aur details ke saath leekho, tab main theek se advice de payunga 🙂
hi. I am a south Indian girl of 23 yrs old. My parents were searching a boy for me for the past three years. And finally they found a Mr.Perfect for me. And my family is ok about the marriage. I hope his family is also ok for the marriage. But I have seen only his photos and he too seen only the photos.Our families is yet to arrange for a meeting.. But the problem is he works abroad. And my elder sister who is married and blessed with a baby boy, is saying that I have to go to abroad after my marriage. But I want to be with my parents especially my mom. I love her a lot.. I will not stay away from my mom. But my mom is very interested in the alliance.
I dono wat to do now…
I am so confused..
Can you pls help me
Dear priya(name changed),
I am really sorry but this is really immature of you. Get real ..girl!
All girls love their mom, not just you!
There is no confusion here. If the boy is really very good, I suggest you to get married and go abroad.
I know it would be really tough for you, and you will take months to overcome it. But trust me, if the boy is really good and supportive, you will be totally fine 🙂
Advice helps?
Dear Chandran Sir,
I am also one of the person who is now starts moving to enter this great turmoil of selection of JEEVANSATHI. You are really doing a great service to all youngsters who are seeking genuine advice on this serious topic. An experienced friend , who is also playing a role of guardian/elder brother.
Dear Pradeep,
I have more than 100 people commenting on my blog, you are the FIRST one to genuinely appreciate my efforts with some genuine words .
Thanks a lot 🙂 🙂 🙂
Keep posting on my blog, when you hit an serious roadblock in your hunt! All the best and hopr you find your right partner soon
Btw very nice article. Its first time that I am commenting on any article
I am 23 year old girl.I am born nd bought up in good city of india.I hv btech degree.scholing from convent girls school but I dont want to do job untill its a government job. Now my parents are about to fix my marriage with a guy of 26 age.he is CA with good salary in govt bank. but boy is from very low middle class family with not much property. He on first meeting told me that they cant afford maids nd since u dont have a job so u cant demand much or we will spend less. Now main issue is boy family lives in a small town where I am supposed to live for a year after marriage. After year me with my in-laws will shift with boy on his job. Boy is honest with no bad habits. Boy is perfect marriage material but his parents want a bahu for thier old age.
Boy told me that he wanted working girl but his parents want girl who can do “seva” of parents.
Also boy is currently posted in small town nd he will b transferred in every 3 year from his place ,I dont want to live in small.city. also boy is maanglik nd I am non manglik. But since we dont have much contacts so my parents thought that they should not leave good boy because they are searching for boy from last 2 years nd we got only this boy who is good.
So should I say yes to this proposal? I am confused with my life. Staying at home after college has led me into depression. Also I was too good in academics till school. But in college I sumhow managed to complete my degree with many backs.Also I had a very heart breaking end of reLationship with a guy in.college as he left me for another girl. So from last year I am sitting at home,mourning on my destiny nd getting depressed. Also I tried at many companies but I didnt get a job.
Dear Shina (name changed),
2 important things here –
1.
Why are on earth are you not doing a job??? You have a B.Tech degree for heavens sake, and you claim you are unable to get any job at all. If you are living a ‘good’ city, you can definitely get a day job in any KPO/BPO as well. I am sorry but SHAME on you for sitting at home and going into depression for whatever lame excuses you are giving. Everyone goes through a heart break and but not all keep mourning like you!!
Your parents didn’t educate you to such a high level for you to sit at home.
I am a B.E. myself and know hundred of B.E. graduates passed 2 yeas back, who weren’t that great in studies like you, yet all of them are working at some place or other.
So be it even a minuscule salary, I am 200% sure that there is some job in your good city. SO GET A JOB immediately without any silly excuse.
You are in this state ONLY BECAUSE you are sitting at home doing nothing.
Had you been a boy, neither your parents nor you would have sat at home sitting idle for 2 years!! Feminists would be furious on you.
2.
The boy is totally right from his side. He seems to be a good guy with whatever limited information you have given!
But if you make yourself worthy by getting a job, you will be a confident person and you will have say as well.
The answer to all problems in your life is very simple, which I gave above.
Awaiting your reply.
Regards,
Deepesh
Hi,
My name is Bharath. I am just 24 yrs old and my parents arranging me marriage. As i am love breakup already i am so scared to involve again in relationships. My breakup has happened due to some complexity between me and her. We decided to breakup mutually. So i am in this mindset am i ready to get involved in another relationship?
Please suggest me anything
Dear Bharath(name changed),
Never marry to heal from a break-up!
There is a large possibility that you will choose a partner in haste and then eventually end up in a bad marriage.
So take your time to heal from a break-up.
BTW break-up is not a big deal at all, although one feels totally devastated. Trust me..a break-up is only as big as you treat it.
Take maximum 3-5 months to sulk..STRICTLY not more than that to move on from a break-up. Over than that is only and only time waste and melodrama from your side.
Advice making sense? Awaiting your reply
Hi Deepesh,
Thanks for your reply. I will surely talk to him because it is matter of both of us.
Yaa your suggestion helps.
Best Regards,
Priya
I am 26 yr old female I will be having an arranged marriage as the present scenario of my life, like My parents have already done my Roka with a guy that they found for me. Everything seems compatible between us like family,jobs, financial status. Both the families are happy Even I am Ok with my parents choice but I am not sure about the guy , In the Starting I am the one who texted him he took 15 days to give a call even after saying numerous times to him from different sources.
Now it’s been 2 months sometimes he didn’t call for 3 4 days , no gm no gn in normal days I tried to start a good conversation with him many times He takes everything in laughing manner. I am unable to understand this man , his parents said many times that he is very simple. I felt very bored sometimes when we talk. Sometimes he takes 24 hrs to reply a message or call even after coming online many times and seeing the text. He is 29 and working in IT not even he is busy because latest he changed his job. A normal guy even call or msg his fiance at least once a day,
I have done my part many times but he is ‘AJEEB’ this is not a normal situation may be he has someone else in his life or due to parents pressure he said YES. My parents are with me they said ask him why he looks uninterested. My world is upside down these days as I will having an engagement last week of april as decided by our parents Now its the matter of money also don’t want to waste my parents hard earned.
Please provide your suggestions.
Hi priya (name changed) with AJEEB fiance,
You fiance behaving so disinterested is indeed curious. I strongly suggest to immediately have a serious and honest discussion with him.
Ask him very upfront on why he is behaving like this. Tell him its OK, if he wants to break this marriage and if he is under pressure from his family.
This talk with you and him just has to happen. Else nothing can be done!
Advice helps?
Regards,
Deepesh
I am 31 years old and I have met 2 girls now between whom I should make a choice. The 1st girl seems to be nice and very interested in me. She keeps on texting me and happy to talk to me. She is from humble background, educated and working but I find her little immature and childish at times. She is about 26 years.
The other girl is about 28 years, who is very intelligent but appears very independent. She seems to be mature but our discussion was like interviews. There seemed to be missing spark between us in first meeting. Her parents and family members are well educated, I am meeting her again today. She didn’t seem to be flexible but was very opinionated.
I’m looking for some suggestion to choose the right girl. Request your help.
Dear confused 31yr old guy with 2 choices,
I would advice to spend little extra time with both prospects. It won’t be fair to accept or reject someone based on few meetings.
But as of what I see, the 26 year old seems better, for the simple reason that you too seem happy with her unlike the 28 year old. Reject 26 year old, only if she is too immature!
Also it is not about the girl, it is about much spark YOU feel about a prospect 🙂
Dear deepesh chandran,
I am aish(name changed),my family found one alliance through matrimony for me, that guy completed his MS in USA now currently working in pvt sect in international.
Day before day we had 15 mins conversation in that he ask me about my
expectation,whether u do ms or not,and i asked what he exactly asked to me like expectations,and said ‘ i have no idea to do MS’.and he often mention his salary ‘ this is my salary” ,this is my salary’,
In this 15mins conversation i noticed that he has no friends,he doesn’t watch movies in theatre ofcourse in online* alone*. He doesn’t say he like my profile.he mention that his dad only give me interest in matrimony he doesn’t know what his father doing in that(matrimony).
Later i found his profile on fb in that i found he has not that much of *friends* maximum he had 30 (likes).His family background is good although.on that day i had spoke to him after three hours i check his fb account he deleted his account.i don know why he is doing like this.
Please give me suggestion my guess is right or wrong.can i further proceed in this alliance?.please clear my doubts.
Dear Aish,
Your guy seems weird. But there is nothing wrong in being a loner. Some people are like that only.
BUT if you are not looking for a loner as your prospective husband, then you can let go off this prospective. You will find better ones.
You seem to more of social person and fun loving, but this seems the opposite.
Does my advice help?
Dear deepesh
Thanks for your quick reply.now i am little bit cleared from ur advice.
Still now he doesn’t text me in whatsapp.deepesh how a girl can ask ‘Whether you like me or not’.if i ask this question to him it is very difficult to reply to this question.i don’t want to make him embarrassment.He should tell me he likes me on his own.otherwise 😌.my uncle says his upbringing like that.but i can’t accept the thing because he’s there in us for three years alone so definitely he should have his own space/freedom to enjoy his us life.But he doesn’t enjoy there.
His salary is 100k i think it is enough live in us but he more often talking about ‘what it is like to manage a family within that salary’.
His father is president in pvt sect bank.so may be his father compulsion he could agree with this alliance.i don’t know exactly what the situation he is in.but one thing cleared he is not bold guy.
Yesterday i found he activated his FB a/c😉.i don’t know for what purpose he deleted his profile from that day i had conversation(confusion state😕😩).For what purpose he doing like this please clear my confusions.if i proceed in this alliance how to find he likes me and i want to know why he deactivated his profile for three days.
I have no urgue feeling talking to him.
Please help me on how to compromise my uncle in this.please suggest me any advice.waiting for ur reply ji🙇
I am looking for guh who is mandliness not looking for his money,and ofcourse decent salary with good family background.my uncle force me in this alliance because for his higher education and family background but i don’t like his attitude. If give your personal mail id i will forward you our chat message.
Dear Aish,
I again repeat to break off with this guy.
I don’t need the chat message between you both 😉
You have to spend your entire life with this guy, and if he is little weird according to you then chuck it! You will find better guys 🙂
Let me know whatever final decision you take. I would be curious to know if my advice helped
Regards,
Deepesh
Dear deepesh
Thanks a lot deepesh for giving me suggestion😍.definitely i will inform you whatever may be the decision.😊😊😊😊😊
Dear deepesh chandran
Hii deepesh, Finally i drop that alliance.i told to my uncle that i feel we didn’t were compatible to each other. So dropout. Thanks for your suggestion.
Hi Sir,
I am 26yrs old female and about to complete 27ys. i work as software engineer. i preferred to have arrange marriage, i do not have much requirements on guy.. i required guy should have a good job, 2 to 3yrs of age difference and a good family. My parents are searching me a guy since from one and half years. we are not getting a guy as per my requirements in my caste..
As i am getting older.. my parents are getting tensed.. they are thinking like we may not get guy as per my requirements. A daily conflicts going on between me and my family..Profiles which i am getting have not fulfilled my requirements and my heart is not ready to accept .. so here i am totally confused.. should i get comprise with my requirements or should i wait for the guy having conflicts with family or am i expecting which is out of my control..
Currently my life is restless.. Not able to convince family.. not able to convince myslef…
Dear Doubtful 187,
Your story is the story of every girl in India, who is looking for guys within their community. So you are not alone.
I empathize your situation and you being restless. But you need to keep faith in God and have patience.
BUT God won’t come and help you, as you need to take lot of efforts!
Here are some practical options –
– Hell with arranged marriage with community ! If you have trust in your choice, look out for guys outside your community. Its ok to marry guys outside your community but within arranged marriage only. It is better than being unmarried throughout life.
Parents in general are sometimes selfish people who only want boys within their community, so that they have respect in their society. They don’t care what trouble the girl might undergo
– Love marriage is not bad either. There is this always one guy in your friends circle with whom you will find a prospective husband. It is ok to explore these options.
My advice making sense…and making you feel better?
Hi Deepesh,
A very nice article. My parents are finalising on a girl, but she looks a little mature for her age with average looks. Belongs to a nice family n all that. Horoscope match perfectly. Nice family n all that. It’s just that m I ready for marriage ? I know looks aren’t important, but it’s just that I cannot shake that feeling off when I see all my friends having good looking better half’s. I guess this is more of a peer pressure and a dilemma that I’m not able to overcome when it comes to looks of the girl. Looking forward to your response.
Hi Dude,
As I would have mentioned earlier as well, after the age of 40, both of you will old and ugly, irrespective of however good you may look now in your 20s.
It is OK if someone is bad looking, but it is not OK if someone is not smart looking.
i.e. as I always quote – If God has made you bad looking, it is not your fault; but if you don’t carry yourself well, then it is definitely your fault!!
So ignore your peers, be a smart looking couple – dress well – carry yourself well – do well as a couple in life – do well professionally – be happy 🙂
Hi Deepesh,
Your article is really helpful.I am a 25 year old girl with a very recent break up with a guy . Everything was fine in our relationship, it was really a beautiful thing in my life until a point where I had to reveal about my relationship to my parents as there was an alliance which had come up,it was from very close circle hence I couldn’t reject it straight away giving unusual resons like I had before, this time it was really serious and I had to tell my parents, but the guy I was in relationship with refused to this and said it’s better to end the relationship. Eventually I convinced him or I can say he forcefully agreed to talk to both of our parents,but he was sure of not showing any commitment. Even when my parents said he can take time if he isn’t ready right but promise to marry later he said he can’t promise as he can anytime give up on me of his parents didn’t agree. I was really serious about him, my parents understood this and gave him time to decide and tell but his answer was same. I was really devastated and after all the convincing, crying and waiting I gave up on him. While all this was happening ,I was made to see the alliance which was waiting, my parents hadn’t known I was in relationship yet when this happened. Later everything was messed up as they were ok with me and our family and from their side it was an yes and I told about my relationship during this. The current situation is , I have stepped out of the relationship very recently and there is another guy waiting for my decision . My friends and family have got me convinced to meet this guy and forget about the one I was in relationship with. Though I have completely stopped talking to my ex , I am not sure about going forward with this guy . I feel I really need time to get myself together and find my own identity. Since I was convinced a lot I have just agreed to meet this guy,because this alliance is from a close circle I can’t straight away take any decision or tell this new guy about my past right now. My parents , his parents and everyone around have high hopes on this ristha. I am under pressure but is it already time for me to move on ? Even if so. I feel before stepping into any relationship I have to tell about my past, Is it okay? , I am actually not ready yet but everyone is suggesting me to talk to this guy and take a decision. What should I do?
Dear Miss ‘ Anonymous- recent breakup and have to see a another guy due to proposal ‘,
Very long post ;), but the answer is very simple 🙂
Following are all my comments –
– Don’t marry this guy, until you are over from your ex. Take time to get over it
– It is because your parents and boy’s parents will convince both of you to get married soon, without giving you time to get over the previous guy.
– Don’t tell your current prospect immediately about your past relationship. Know him for few days, then when you feel he is trustworthy then tell him. But tell him for sure, before your marriage
In short, find some sensible way to reject this proposal. Buy 2-3 months at least! Give any professional reason or anything but buy time
Hi,
I am an International Student from India presently in Canada. I did my Internship at one of the major banks in Canada and hired for full time as well. My parents back home are searching for a bride . I am confused on how to select a girl on first meeting along with my parents. It is definitely going to be an arranged marriage for sure. But totally confused.
Please do guide me on how to select a bride for my lifetime. Any tips/suggestions would be appreciated. I am ideally looking for a practical girl from a middle class family with decent face looks.
Many Thanks
Shashi
Dear Guy with common doubt,
You have asked a very common generic doubt for which my existing generic blog is already 😉
If you can be more specific, then i could help
Hi sir…yes I am also caught in same situation, do you have any point system for a boys to select His perfect match.
Hi GSG,
I would again request to be more specific. You need to give me more background, so that I can help better 🙂
Hi.. All.. I want to say dat i never date a girl in my life..nt becz m bad in looks nd etc..its only becz i m reserved kind of person who dreams of a fairytale ..nd wants a girl who never had a date any guy before me..so i searched near by bt nt found..may be i find my self wrong in future..but m still w8ng for her nd really want to how to knw abt dat girl whom m going to see as a girl for arrange mariage ..? Hope sm advice and helpful answer i ll get frm u..?
Dear Reserved guy looking for fairytale,
I am really sorry but I am unable to understand your doubt properly.
Can you please elaborate more precisely?
Its an old post to be leaving a comment on right now, but its the simplest I have come across and thank you for that 🙂
I had one question though, what about romance – already the institution of an arranged situation lacks it – but every girls (me especially) craves for some in the courtship period. How much to expect? I am having a 3 month courtship period and the romance is already dwindling. How do I look at this without the prejudice of a dating scenario?
Dear Girl with courtship doubt,
Courtship is the best phase in the marriage life. But answering your doubt, even in marriage one has to keep reinventing themselves and try out new things to keep that romantic spark alive.
A 3 month courtship period is really decent enough time. I believe it has been already decided that you would be marrying this guy. So i see no harm in committing yourself to him mentally. Have fun ..keep flirting..and enjoy this courtship period to know each other more.
Did I answer your Q?
Hi, I recently got engaged. However, after engagement things are not fine between us. He is extremely snobbish. He is basically an Alpha male. He is not all that matured as well. However, my parents are worried about society and they are not ready to call off this marriage.
I have even expressed my disinterest towards him and this marriage. He knows that I hate him. Still he comes behind me saying “I love you” and he does not want to call off this marriage.
I am not sure if it is just physical attraction towards me.
He says that he has not spoken to any girls in a close way in his life and hence he doesn’t know how to treat me.
Please give me some chunks of advice on this as early as possible. My marriage is fast approaching.
Hi Girl with immature fiancee,
Immediately break off with the marriage. Period.
Hell with the society. With what you have mentioned, I have understood that he will never change.
You will definitely find a better guy.
Please reply back as I want to know your feedback.
Hi Deepesh,
Nice and useful article, Thanks.
My problem is :
I met a girl who is educated, earning well and of good nature and family values but is not beautiful/good looking.
I know beauty is not everything but this girl is below avg. in looks but has all the other qualities which one can admire but I am still not able to take any decision.
I enjoy talking/chatting with her over phone and believe that she would take good care of me and family but the problem here is whenever i meet her in person i feel uncomfortable she doesn’t attracts me i feel like ‘no yaar’ i can get better looking/beautiful girl and i try to run away.
I have already met her 3-4 times but same story.
On the other hand girl is after me that she likes me and want to marry.
Please guide.
Thanks
Dear Boy confused with the looks of the girl,
You are in tough spot and I can understand your state.
If you are very badly stuck with the looks of the girl, then quit before it is too late.
But having said that confirm what bad looks mean to you. You never know what seems bad for you, maybe seem average to other people. So she may actually not be that bad as you think.
Also most importantly, except a Katrina Kaif in your life, only when you look like Hritik Roshan! i.e. only if you are good looking, except a good looking girl.
You might be bad looking, then …. 🙂
Hi Deepesh
Find the article helpful.
Im a girl and caught in a very complex situation. I am the only child of my parents. My family is financially sound so they will not need me financially after marriage.
I have a very close friend named Sheena. I know her and her family since childhood(same school). Though we never met frequently before 2 yrs back when we started staying together in a pg. Families know each other. So they liked me and made proposal for Sheena’s younger brother. He stays in London earning well, handsome.
All said yes so As soon as he came India, we got engaged. During engagement He was not that happy as we all noticed. I look average and he looks good. Next day i called him at 7 pm he said let me sleep and disconnected. When everyone in my family asked about it i told them the same. It was made issue and i didnt want it. After 2 days he called me and started shouting at me badly. It was really really bad. I tried to cool him down but he continued shouting at me. So We were about to break the marriage but they came (him also) and sorted it out. Sheena was involved in every stage.
Then he went back to London. I again tried to talk to him but he did not respond well. And the same continued. I tried my every possible attempt but failed. He is always always busy with something like dining out, playing, workload, cooking, sleeping, etc etc.
We rarely talks so i told him to be on whatsapp so he can feel comfortable(maybe phone call makes him nervous). A bit of improvement shown. He talks, but very less. Never ever do anything romantic. Never talks to me whole-heartedly. Its me and me all the time who does it and get refused. Just now we get to know he always wanted a very beautiful, delicate girl which is not me at all. Now we live in small town so its not good to break up as i am already 31. Dont know how to handle the situation. Parents are very tensed.
I dont know if he is marrying me for money (but he is himself very efficient and family is also influential), under pressure of parents and sister (Sheena), affair(which he denies every time and gets even angry) or anything else.
Sheena knows both of us really well and tells me we are perfect for each other and he will improve by time. but i dont know what to do.
Plz help.
Dear Girl with London fiancee problem,
Your problem seems really tricky!
One thing is for sure that he is not fully happy with you, as you maybe are not the person whom he always wanted. It is totally his fault that he should have not told yes to this marriage, if he hadn’t totally liked you at first place. He might have got pressurized from his family to tell yes to this marriage. Anyways that’s a matter of the past.
Dunno about Sheena as she will always want her brother to get married.
I personally feel that you shouldn’t worry about you being 31 or society matters. Think what would happen when you both will move to London after you get married?
Do you think you both can stay happily over there?
Will he keep shrugging you off, even after marriage?
If he is forced into this marriage, then better you both call it off soon!
BUT if the answer to above questions is that you can manage to win over and he will improve after marriage, then you should definitely go ahead with this marriage 🙂
Thanks for your reply. I found it helpful. Didnt expect such a quick response.
I dont know if he will improve. He feel comfortable in discussing ‘real’ issues with me like shifting there, my job, about my parents care after marriage etc.. he sounds very cooperative in such things. We recently booked two flats in delhi one for my parents and other for us after marriage. and it was he who booked consecutive floors saying it would be easy to care for parents. Overall he is a good person. But cant say if he changes. I dont know how to run after a person not interested in me in that sense. Is he just romantically challenged? what can i do to open him up. I have never been in a relationship so really confused how to handle the him. Many a times it irritates me a lot. Nothing romantic. Sometimes quarrel. He simply says he cant be a love bird. Its been 6 months now. Please tell me how to deal with him? Now we have covered a long path its really difficult to go back. Can he improve?
Hi,
If you feel that there is no looking back and you feel he is a good person, I feel you should go ahead with the marriage.
You need to accept him as he is. He is not going to change! …but he can definitely improve a bit.
You have to be patient with him and tell him softly how you have been suffering and how much you urge to lead a good life between you both.
Hi,
I have started talking to this guy through a matrimonial site. We have kind of history of communication. Both of us have been on the site for few years now. And we had kind of interacted with each other at the start of our matrimony search journey. It didnt work out much coz I was going through a lot of work-stress at that time and couldnt get interested in him.
Now after these years we are interacting again.
Have resumed talking couple of days back. And there is the dilemma that has arisen already. I have been trying for work in a country A for a couple of years, and after a lot of effort I have finally got the work-permit for that. He knows about it. And just got to know that he has been also trying for another country B for around 2 years and it is kind of in the last stage for him as well.
Currently also, we are in different countries (C and D).
Both of us really like each other. And even though, we havent really directly talked about “let us proceed with marriage”, we both know that we aspire to do that.
Also, just to tell that it is not that we both are not fine with moving to any other country (other than what we are each attempting at); its just that so much of our individual efforts have gone into it that leaving it all now is a tricky situation.
How do we proceed to solve it so that both of us finally do come to marry each other.
Both of us are 30 years old.
Thanks.
Hi Girl with country shifting doubt,
You already have all the answers! 🙂
Please please please understand…please keep this country nonsense as 2nd or 3rd or last priority in life. I have seen divorces happening because of the either couple not wanting to leave a particular country.
Keep this very clear between yourselves.
All that matters is that you both have to stay together always..whatever be the case!
really helpful
dear sir,
i am 27 year old male living in india. i met a girl who is from my community. she know me before we met. she is educated and doing a job. she is living in rural area besides my city. she lost her mother some year ago. her father is earning sufficient and she has 2 brother out of 1 is in college and other is doing job and married.
She told me I Love you and i like her, she looks not so beautiful and have good nature. she can handle a job as well as house well if i get married t her.she is also 27 year old.
i m in confusion weather i should married her or not. we met 2 months ago.She does not have financially strong background . her brothers education expense is on her.
Should we take little more time to know each other well ?
Anonymous boy(financial status of prospect),
In arranged marriage, her family becomes your family and your family becomes her family.
Ideally if she gets married to you, she shouldn’t be bearing the expenses of her brother’s education.
But again it is completely the decision that you both should take together and any decision that you both take, would be a right decision.
Yes, you both should take more time to know each other and set the expectations clear at the start itself.
Regards,
Deepesh
Hi,
My parents made me speak to this guy. Initially, I also liked his profile and I was excited to talk to him. But after the first conversation he started texting me everyday, in fact twice or thrice in a day. I find that quite annoying and disturbing, still I talk to him every time he pings. The guy is out of India right now and we haven’t even met once. So, I have that hesitation in my mind as I strongly believe that it is only when you meet someone in person that you can judge the person. His body language, his way of talking, his aura can only be judged in person and not on chat. Where as he is insisting that we talk for two months over chat until he comes back to the country. Meanwhile, he is also insisting my parents to meet his family. On the other hand I feel that we all should meet once he will be back. Also, while talking to him he agrees on everything I say and his conversations are always around how good my profile pics are. So far, I haven’t felt a connect with him and the excitement I felt during first conversation has also gone away. I am not too sure about him. I cant decide, is it me ? or there is something not right ?
Dear Anonymous girl (connection with the prospect),
Your confusion is a normal one, which any girl would have. There is nothing wrong with you or anything uncommon about your situation.
You are right about judging the boy only after meeting him in person. Stick to that decision of yours.
Tell him let the parents meet happen only after you both meet in person. Be stern on it.
This guy seems to be smitten by you and boys tend to go aboard by pinging too many times.
See the magic of arranged marriage is that ‘it just clicks’ and ‘it just happens’. Maybe when you meet in person, it would happen with you.
You can let the guy go only if you just can’t live with such a guy for your entire life. But take the decision only after meeting him once in person. He definitely deserves that one chance.
But be careful in entertaining him in his pings to you. Don’t make him involve too much into you and then reject him 😉
Advice making sense?
Regards,
Deepesh
Hi,
Today I met a girl for the first meet (and I guess the last one before marriage). She wasn’t shy at all. She was talking to me normally and smiling for my every question. I asked her whether she has any question for me, but she said no except one question about my job profile, which was highly expected.
And before I could ask something else her parents called us for tea and that’s it the .eet is over.
I am confused. She didn’t ask nothing even she wasn’t shy at all.
Anonymous boy(first meeting with girl),
It is bit unfortunate that you get just one meeting to choose the girl!
I suggest you move against the tide and forcefully ask for more time and couple of more chances to meet the girl. If not meeting, at least ask for more time on phone with her before you let know your final decision.
If she isn’t shy and still not asking questions is bit weird, so the only way to speak with her directly.
Ask her if she is happy in getting into this marriage, hopefully nobody is forcing and more.
That is the only way out here rather not doing anything and guessing things.
Regards,
Deepesh
If I get asked in the first meeting, what should I say??? I mean how should I shrug it off. If he point blank asks me in the first meeting ”have you had past boyfriends???” What should I say in response. He would be expecting a yes or no. How am I supposed to answer.
Dear Anonymous girl(doubt on past),
If in the first meeting, if the boy asks point blank if you had previous affair or no, then reply a plain no 🙂
The simple reason is that you can’t trust the guy and his maturity in the first meeting, so it is fine to delay revealing the truth.
But as I previously mentioned, once you know him well and trust him after further meetings, then definitely reveal the truth.
The best part for you would be that the guy would also have his own past for sure, so be chilled. Everything will be fine 🙂
Advice helps?
Hi Deepesh,
I would really appreciate it if you could help me out with this problem. I work in a bank and make 35k per month.I am a 27 yr old single woman and will be 28 soon in few months.
My parents are looking for a groom for me.But my problem is when I talk to the guy and if the guy asks about my past relationship, should I tell the truth???? I have had 1 serious relationship of 8 yrs but never told my family about it.It was a teen love,I mean I dated my ex when I was like 15 and it ended around when I was 23.
And since then I have been single. So should I CONFIDE this to the boy I meet in 1st meeting??? I mean what if he asks me in the 1st meeting itself??? How should I answer him? And who knows if the boy would lie about his past and would just want to know about mine, and if I tell him the truth, what if he spreads this around and tries to spoil my reputation.I know I sound paranoid. BUt deepesh in my community this is a common thing, people just love to gossip here, and if they find out about my past, my parents will also come to know and my mum would literally kill me.
I have moved on from my past and I have been single since I was 23 and now I am 27. I am very much scared about the consequences if I reveal my past relationship to the wrong guy. I know I can judge his maturity and tell him when am comfortable but what if he asks in the first meeting itself??? Plz help me out
Hi Anonymous girl(doubt on past),
DON’T reveal about your past relationship to your prospective boy in the first meeting itself.
You can keep it to your yourself, first understand the boy and his maturity and decide the right time to tell it. Such things aren’t usually discussed in the first meeting and you can shrug it off in the first meeting.
BUT as you get confidence on this guy, then you should definitely tell him.
Here is how you should tell him – I have been in a relationship with someone in past, which is totally buried in the past. but it doesn’t affect my present nor our future.
MOST important thing is that you should not be in any contact with your past BF. Block him on FB, Linkedin, Whatsapp, Gmail etc.
No husband on earth will like to see his wife in any kind of contact with her ex-bf. So please be very strict on it.
I understand your concerns, so in short first judge the boy and his maturity and then take further actions.
Makes sense?
I am a girl and now have my parents set up a guy and we started talking for a couple of weeks. I am a person who takes time to get close/attached to a boy. I don’t feel much excited on talking to this guy, but he seems to be super excited! He alwayssss messages me on WhatsApp which actually makes me a bit annoyed. While talking he talks a lottt and I get a feeling that he doesn’t allow me to talk much. Also he is not into serious matters like the likes/dislikes, instead just talks about what happened that day, recent movies watched and all. When I start on some serious stuff (bcoz I have a little time left to know this guy and reply back to my parents if it is a yes or no) the topic always gets diverted and he keeps on talking about something else or other. I can understand he is innocent, my parents are like, oh isn’t that good? Also, he is the only son of his parents and so attached to his family, lives with them, so how do I understand if he is self-dependent and able to make his own decisions?? Help me please! I am so confused as my parents are pushing for the engagement! 😦
Dear Super Confused Girl,
Looks like a tough one for you.
Firstly you can’t find the guy with all the qualities that you expect from a life partner. Create a simple checklist and see many checks does he satisfy! 7/10 is a good score.
As of what you have mentioned, he looks little immature and innocent to me. He might be pampered as he is the only child of his parents.
The important thing is to see how much he really likes and would support you in the long run. Every daughter-in-law has fights with her mom-in-law. Here it all depends on the maturity of the husband on how well he handles the situation.
To find the maturity of a person, you have to ask his past. How he handled a heart break earlier, how he handled a tough situation in his office, how he handled a family crisis earlier, etc.
Sternly force him to answer it and not divert the topic. I feel you can be frank and tell him that you have to compulsory speak on this topic and important to take your relationship forward.
Makes sense?
Hi , I’m 27 year old , I’m shy person, shy than normal , this is my real problem , I get visibly nervous meeting girls . this has made me very anxious about my marriage , As far as I know girls in this generation like bold people . my salary is not that bad & moreover I’m getting bald . will I ever marry ??. I bad at expressing my real emotions with girls .
Dear Anonymous boy(shy factor),
Many boys are shy and unable to express their emotions well. It is completely fine if you are also the same.
Regarding baldness, hell with it!
Yes..it would be a small deterrent, but luckily for you in arranged marriage the boy is chosen mainly on the basis of his salary. So if you have a good salary, you need not worry about anything. 😉
Remove this inferiority complex from your mind that girls like only bold guys. If the girl is sensible then she will chose your maturity, your good nature over your shyness.
Ignore girl who are looking only for smart speaking boys.
You are still a young 27 years aged guy. You still have time in hand. Patiently paid for the right girl and I am sure you will find her soon. This might take 1 or 2 or even 3 years.
Did my advice help?
hello, it was real fun going through all the comments .I also met a few of guys through this arranged marriage system. Although the situation is still continuing, it was fun with one particular guy .When we both were given a few minutes to talk by self… the first question put up to me was what’s (s+d)2 , I thought it to be a mathematical equation as you all must be thinking.. and obviously replied …as m an engineer:P . But then the answer guy wanted was “infinity”.. as it was the initial letters of both our names, so according to him our combination should have to be infinity……..pathetic…he asked me about Indian president,,,,, and blah blah general knowledge question….. I was dumb struck…. anyway we departed ways after the terrific GK interview.:P
Well I’m expecting to meet a guy this Jan … the guy seems genuine, intelligent and of nice character…hope 4 d best ….
Dear Anonymous girl(funny prospect),
It was fun here as well to know your KBC quiz master.
Maybe you should have asked if you knows any thing about nail art, difference between the various shades of pink, number of whistles needed to cook half kg of rice in a pressure cooker, etc 😉 😛
He would not have answers to any; and wouldn’t brag about his GK to any other girl.
All the best with your future prospects 🙂
Do let me know if you need any advice in any way in future
Hi Deepesh
First of all I would like to thank you for helping people on this( marriage) decisions . I m simple guy who loves his parents brother very much.. my parents are looking for a girl who is doing govt jobs.. I m a software engineer in a reputed mnc company my salary is 35k .my parents are sending my profiles to girl’s parents and most of the parents are demanding 50k . I m confident enough that within 2 or 3 years I will make myself as higher as sky. girl’s parents are not replying to my parents that s really hurts me.. I have told my parents please stop looking for a gal until I change my job and I increase the salary but they are denying .. I dont want money minded gal or the money minded family. . Please suggest what should I do
Dear Anonymous boy(salary issue),
The problem that you are facing is very common. Sadly in arranged marriage, girl is chosen by the looks and boy by the salary; Although it is really stupid to do so.
Hell with all the prospects who reject you by your current salary. You should easily ignore such people, who choose you only by your salary.
You continue working hard in your life and get yourself settled with a good job and salary. One day, you will definitely find a girl/family who will choose you by your good nature and your ability to grow in life.
In short, kindly ignore such people and you continue working hard in life 🙂
Does it makes sense?
M 24 and the guy we HV looked is 35….not understanding whether we ll b compatible ..or age diff ll make clashes..
He is an SAD in Singapore… And m in gov.job…I HV to leave job for him…really confusd at everything..
Dear girl_ confused,
You have provided very little information, so just replying based on what all little information you have given.
You both are mature and aged people, and not couple in their early 20s. So age difference should not be an issue.
If he is earning really well, then you leaving your job should not be an issue.
The main thing is that you both need to set your expectations right before getting married. Please don’t leave anything to assumptions, which can be dangerous.
So please talk wit him and get it right 🙂
Makes sense?
Regards,
Deepesh
hello Deepesh,
I went to see a girl through typical indian arranged marrage process. Later on after 2 month the girl contacted me through facebook messenger. we were chatting through facebook messenger n later through whats app. Both of us liking to each bother.
Both of we are very compatible to each other in terms all nature , thought process. But only my worry that I have feeling that she seems in chatting busy late night with others. I have feeling that she is looking at me as a just way of settlement in her life. I am confused wheather to move forward & finalized or not.
It is difficult to get any evidence but have only strong gut feelings. I asked 2-3 times in different way but answers was chatting in group. I am worry should not be any problem after the marriage. this is big decision so I am stressed. please reply.
Dear Anonymous boy (doubt on complacent partner,
Sorry for the late reply. The solution is very simple – you have to talk to her in a very simple manner. Tell her all your fears properly and even aesthetically – it is completely fine.
You both would be living your entire life together, so better to be clear of things before you take the plunge.
Please let me know what happens
Hi Deepesh,
I really dont know why I get irritated or fear when I hear the word “marriage”. I really don’t have an idea to the kind of questions to be thrown to boy’s end. Belonging to a conservative family, is one big problem. And could you please help me to overcome this fear and try to choose the partner.
Dear Anonymous girl(fear of marriage),
I can understand your frustration over arranged marriage and that you coming from a conservative background. It is completely normal for you to feel that.
I feel my blog more or less helps with Qs that you can ask the boy, so please have a look at it again.
The only way to overcome your fear is to face it and prepare for it. To prepare, please accept the fact that arranged marriage is maybe the only option you have in life or try finding someone of your own.
Arranged marriage can made successful when you choose the right partner and have the willingness to make your marriage a successful one.
Did my advice help?
Hello Deepesh,
I never thought, you will reply for my question. Thank you so much and it really helped me a lot. Now, the thing is, am 32 years old and working as a team lead in one of a MNC company. The proposal I get, is not up to my level. Hope you understand what it means, when I say it’s not up to my level. My parents are very eager to throw me out from the home. I earn 75k and I want my partner either of same level or higher level. Is this wrong? Kindly advise
Dear Anonymous girl(fear of marriage),
Now sadly this is the issue if a girl earns heavily. Ideally it is supposed to be a boon, but unfortunately it happens to be opposite…you like it or not!
Following is my sincere advice –
You will NOT find a guy of your level. You have to reduce your expectations.
There is nothing wrong to marry a guy earning a 50K or 40K. If he is really smart and good, one day he will definitely earn well and might even earn more than you. Thus that he must be mature and cool enough to have a wife earning more than him.
Only consider the practical aspects in a marriage; he must be able to be your best friend; good looks doesn’t matter; regarding money – it is your total money as a couple and not how much he earns or you earn.
Am I making sense?
Regards,
Deepesh
Deepesh,
Thank you for explaining me the facts but one question, I am already in mid 30’s and I don’t think of working after marriage. I have some financial commitments, so just wanted to know whether thinking that guy will take care of my responsibility is right or wrong 🙂
Dear Anonymous girl(fear of marriage),
Your financial commitments before your marriage is something that you are completely responsible for.
It is not fair to expect that your future prospect will bear and clear your past financial commitments.
So in short, it is wrong 🙂
Advice helps?
Regards,
Deepesh
Thanks a lot Deepesh :). You know what, as soon as I hear my father saying that he got a guy horoscope and they take it for horoscope matching center. I just keep praying to GOD that it should not click out. I really dont understand why I fear so much. I really dont understand or believe myself taking up that responsibility. What I should really do and the same I can’t say freely to my parents 😦
Marriage cold feet happening to you, happens to every human on earth 😉
Mentally start preparing yourself and also have faith on yourself. Trust me.. getting married is a good thing (of course provided you get married to the right person 🙂 )
Most importantly have a candid chat with your parents.
Hello Deepesh 🙂
Its a nice and simple tips for a girl / boy . I actually like the way u given the tips .I actually have sum doubts on this topic so…..If u dont mind can i get ur mail id …. 😉 It will b more helpful if i ask it personally 🙂
Hi Anonymous(contact me),
I already connected with you on your email ID. Didn’t receive your reply yet 😛
Hi,
When is the right time to reveal about past relationships to the person you are going to marry through arranged marriage?
Hi,
Firstly I don’t know if it is a boy or girl posting this comment as you didn’t reveal that. I could have given a even more directed advice accordingly.
So here is a general advice for any boy or girl, on the right time to reveal about past relationships to the person you are going to marry through arranged marriage?
now there is no fixed formula or time to reveal past relationship, as it all depends on the comfort zone with your life partner and the life partner’s maturity!
1. If the life partner is mature and cool and trusts you, then you can mention it to the life partner at the start of the relationship itself. BUT if the life partner has trusted you now, then remove all possible contacts with your past relationship bf/gf. Remove the past bf/gf from your linkedin/whatsapp/gmail/phone everything. Don’t dare keep any contact! Especially husbands will never like it.
2. Sometimes if the going-to-be husband or wife is cranky and immature, it might be a good idea to not reveal anything. I know this is not the right advice, but some cranky husbands and wives take it the wrong way, so better not to tell anything.
Having said that delete all possible contact with your ex-bf/gf and never stay in touch with him/her.
Now talking about the exact time to reveal, it is advised to not tell in the first meet itself. Reveal it when you arein the comfort zone with the to-be-husband/wife.
Funny part could be that going-to-be husband or wife would also have his/her past to reveal. You both need to make a pact that the past is a matter of past, it should no way affect the present and the future 🙂
Did my advice help?
Regards,
Deepesh
HI just now I read your article… nice one 🙂
I always think what boys exactly want?
coz I have registered my name in one matrimonial site.
I get rejected coz of my complexion..as im not fair…
I have seen many girls who don’t even earn single penny or less educated but only coz of fair complexion get selected very easily..
below is my another experience which recently happened with me. which made me think to consider marriage as a professional stuff instead of emotional stuff
I had a chatting with one boy whom I met through matrimonial site.Bcoz of distance we didn’t get chance to meet him as we are living in different cities..so almost 1 month we discussed about so many things. We were very comfortable with each other(at least basic subjects) later finally we met in restaurant then next day my parents met his parents. After that he started avoiding me..then he started giving me some excuses if I text him. Also no reply from their(parents) side. finally my parents called his parents then they said he was looking another girl n he got confused!!. After some days they called us n told us that they have fixed his marriage with other girl..
in between I felt so bad that I started considering this as a serious one..when he was going to meet other girls parents he lied to me that he is going to have office even on sunday..plus when my parents n me went to his house to meet his parents he went for office. is it right?
Anonymous(girl – doubt on what boy want),
You have asked which many girls like you ask i.e. what boys want in an arranged marriage! In your case, do they always look for fair complexion?
So here is the answer – most boys mainly look for fair complexion. period.
Let me explain why all this happens?
In India, sadly beauty is only judged by fair complexion and not features that a girl has. The nature of the girl is the last thing they will look at.
So is your life over and doomed? The answer is not at all! 🙂
Now lets weigh your good and bad things:
Bad –
1. Dark complexion
Good –
1. I assume you would be well educated
2. I am sure your nature is very good and you are genuine and honest
3. Most importantly, you are earning well ( If you aren’t, then I suggest you to make yourself self sufficient, independent and earning decent enough if not super good.)
4. You have all elements of a good wife i.e. you are understanding, practical, give space to your husband, caring, etc
So if your good points outweigh your bad point, then I am sure a sensible guy will one day definitely like you, love you and marry you.
Be patient and trust in God. There is someone definitely made only for you.
Having said that, here is the some important – if your good points aren’t enough, please don’t expect any boy to like you. Period.
But the good news is that to get all the good points mentioned in yourself, everything is in your hand and you can surely achieve all those good points.
Did my advice help?
Regards,
Deepesh
hey hi,
Thanks for your reply & kind advice. yes ur advice is nice
yes im earning girl.im Japanese interpreter/translator wiith handsome salary(I know word handsome never goes with Girls! haha! still)
About my complexion yes I feel proud about my complexion coz all the dress colours suits me!
But when it comes for the marriage ppl likely or unlikely hurt ur ego by saying smthing abt complexion..but best part is that my mom n dad never entertain such ppl…
in case of nature yup im happy go luck typo girl..lil bindhas!!
again thanks!!
Nice and useful tips but how a girl should answer a boy in the first meet of arranged marriage? I will tel about his background upto my knowledge that i gained from my parents , he is the only son,he is in a private job earning good, and most imp thing is that he wants to be get into a seperate house after marriage where his parents not there but in same town bcz as of his parents house is so small and conjusted and also working area is also very far. Can you judge which is he?will he allow to be in contact with my parents
Anonymous(girl – house doubt),
Of what I have understood, you hardly know this guy of yours. Please take more time to know this person. I feel you are being too judgmental without knowing him.
He seems right to live separately, as the current house is small for all of you to live together and also it far away from his work place.
Also why won’t he allow you to be in contact with your parents? If you really have doubt, I would suggest to do an aesthetic and candid talk with him. If you practically discuss things with him, I am sure he will definitely understand 🙂
I again suggest you to take time to understand him and also you too put yourself across as well. There are many more things that you both potential life partners are yet to explore 🙂
Hope my advice helped?
I forgot to tell u that he recently got a Portuguese citizenship,since he is from Goa, he wants to settle in london, as being a citizen he gets better benefits there for him and family.
Dear Anonymous(girl – london),
Now your position seems tricky! It is difficult for you to shift to London and he cannot move out of London.
I am big fan of practicality – So weigh your options together as team. Think more from the brain than the heart as you both are adults and mature.
Check all the long term problems and benefits if you both decide to settle in London or Delhi. Try find a golden midway. Please talk with a cool mind between you both.
Don’t repent for any stupid decision taken in haste.
Personally I would advise you both settle in Delhi. Just my 2 cents!
Does my advice help?
I am a well educated girl and working as a manger, i am searching for suitable proposals for a long time but never came across a man with good nature. I came across a guy in London, he is a wonderful human being, very down to earth and good at nature. But he is not having a good job he is working on min wages in london,neither is he educated, he is not well to do financially.He reached london jst 6months ago from india. My dilemma is,is it worth leaving my job in india and struggling all over again in london to reach dis position there, since dis guy is not well educated nor having a good job the entire responsibility of running the family would be on me.My age is 33 and he is 39, so incase i get married i won’t actively working as i need to start a family as early as possible. should I go ahead with dis proposal or no.
Dear Anonymous(girl – london),
We need to be very practical here. There is no way on earth that you leave your good job in India and start to struggle from scratch in London.
Age is catching up with both of you. I would strongly suggest you to persuade your guy to come and settle in India along with you. I am sure he can make a better living in India alongside with you, instead of struggling on minimum wages in London.
Please be careful in making this understand to him, as men do have their own ego. But if he is mature guy, I am sure he will definitely understand.
Being in India, both of you can together share responsibilities, live a simple, happy and satisfied life and start your own little family as well. Life is beautiful when both partners fight the little odds in life together as a team 🙂
Let me know if my advise helped? Feel free to ask anything further.
Regards,
Deepesh
Hi Deepesh,
I recently met a girl through matrimonial site, She is educated and working but issue here is that girl’s mother is no more and her father is also under depression/mentally unstable since then, She has younger brothers who are not very educated and running some business.Financially also they are not very strong even and maybe dependent on girl’s income to some extent. Now my parents are against moving ahead.
They are saying beauty is not everything, girl has lot of responsibilities which in turn you have to bear in future.
I don’t understand what’s the girl’s fault here and what should i do as i really liked the girl but at the same time can’t ignore what parents are saying.
Please guide !!
Thanks
Dear Anonymous boy(dilemma),
Like my other replies, i changing your name to Anonymous boy(dilemma) to protect the identity of my viewers who post.
Now here is something that we all have to do, when we live in India and I also strongly believe we must do – The girl’s parents become your parents and you must take care of them as well.
In your case, there are the girl’s brothers who are ideally supposed to take care of her father. But he is not doing well in life, then ideally they can’t be ‘totally’ dependent on her income after she gets married to you. But she is has to be there to mentally and physically support them, whenever needed.
Your parents are right, as they would always would want the best prospect for their son. So this is where you need to take the stand for your entire life.
You must be ready for the following (If you really and really like this girl and want to marry her only) –
1. At some point of life, there could be strong possibility that you might have to take care of her father and maybe help younger brothers in whatever help they might. You should never ever repent this decision at any point of life. So think over it and take this stand for life.
2. Be sure that this girl is really the one for you! She has also has to support you in every walk of life, take care of you and your family, understand you and be your best friend.
3. Please don’t get carried away by looks. Consider all the future things that might happen after 1 years, 5 years, 10 years, etc
Did my advice help?
Regards,
Deepesh
Dear deepesh
I don’t know how I express myself about this matter by horoscope I am manglik don’t know which kind of and after lots of search for arrange marriage finally I got a girls photo due to long distance meeting is not possible so we have shared each others mobile number but I really don’t know how do I approach her I am thinking if I call her or whatsapp her will she mind or not and once I tried to talk to her she asked about my salary and job I was very upset why everyone is interested in job well I am in a Good management positions but still it hearts so I stopped talking and from 2 days I am every time checking her whatsapp last seen and changing my status very foolishly. Please help me so that I can understand about my steps.
Dear Anonymous (boy-job issue),
I have changed your name to protect your identity.
Firstly you need to understand that sadly a boy in arranged marriage is judged only on basis on his salary in India. You have to accept and live with this fact. Period.
Same goes for the girl in India, where the first most important criteria is her looks. In both cases, no one (except the boy and girl) is bothered about the nature of the boy or the girl!!
So you need not feel bad, when anyone from the girl’s side or the girl asks about your salary.
Secondly you are being little foolish with the Whatsapp thing you are doing :). Please things very simple – If you really like this girl, go ahead and call/ping her. Know more about her and let her know about you as well. Give both of you a chance to fall in love with each other (if you feel she is the right girl for you).
And as I always say be yourself whenever you are interacting with her.
So as soon as you have seen my reply, please ping her and continue your conversations positively, if you really like her.
Did my advice help?
I’m in a very tricky situation and don’t know how to handle this:
My family is actively looking out for a girl even though i sometimes feel i need at least one more year before marriage. Luckily or unluckily finding a compatible match is not being a big task BUT the major CATCH is that i have a congenital heart defect which may lead to requirement of a open heart surgery sometime in future.
To complicate the situation, my family is divided about communicating this to the girl’s family. I am hell bent on frankly communicating the facts as they are and leave the rest to fate. i can not digest the thought of not being adequately truthful to my prospective life partner.
My father, like in all other Indian families takes the lead in all major communications between the two families. Unfortunately he is a adamant, short tempered person who does not even try to understand the situation with a cool mind.
In this scenario, i have decided that i will tell the truth to the girl myself, give her all the relevant information and let her decide for herself and also request her to use the information i provide to only take decision about this alliance and not to unnecessarily spread the information to others and also to discuss this only with me and not my family, specially not my father. There are few complications i see in doing this:
If the girl does not have the maturity to handle this properly, she may end up spreading rumors (which btw is one of the easy thing to happen and most feared thing in my community, I don’t understand why people are always interested in other’s life instead of minding their own business)
Also i should make sure that this information i give to the girl should not go around and come back to my father (as he does not know that i have told this to the girl).
Sometimes i feel its better to live alone than face all this s**t which again is not a feasible option practically.
Can you please advise/give ideas on how i can handle this situation better?
Hi Anonymous (boy-honest guy),
I have changed your name to protect your identity. Apt name for you had to be Anonymous (boy-honest guy)!
Firstly I am very happy to find someone like you who is so righteous and honest. I hope you remain the same forever. Secondly I must admit that you are indeed in a very tricky situation. Thirdly never ever hide anything from your prospective life partner.
Now lets look at the various solutions, along with its pros and cons:
Solution 1 – Final conclusion with your father
Once your father agrees to what you are doing, things will be much easy but as you said he will never listen to you, so that this is out of question.
So this might seem a little rude, but you have to take a very strong stand by yourself and make everyone listen to you. This is only bcoz you are very right here. And what is right is simply right. He might have a tiff with you, but you just have to take strong stand.
I guess you are an individual who earns of his own and if needed can live alone and not dependent on anybody. We all love our parents, but what when someone is wrong, then he is just wrong.
Solution 2 – Take time with the girl, gauge her and then confess your illness
I understand your fear of an immature girl spreading rumors about you. You are again right about your fear.
My suggestion is take time to understand the girl, meet her a few times, gauge her, gauge her maturity. Then when you are confident about her, then tell her about your health issue.
You must remember one thing here – she will definitely tell this to her parents and then her parents will tell your parents.
Here everything depends on your ability to gauge the right girl. Only confess, if you feel that she is mature and will understand things well. If she is dumb, then just reject her by giving any other excuse but don’t mention your health issue.
If the girl is mature and if she really likes you and if you practically explain the gravity of your illness i.e. it may not be as tensed issue, as it seems…then i feel there should not be any issue
But I repeat…one shouldn’t hide anything from his or her future life partner.
Does my advice help?
Thanks for replying Deepesh.
I still feel like i am one square one.
Regarding knowing the girl well and gauging her maturity before disclosing to her, unfortunately our arranged marriage system don’t give a lot of time for us to spend together before a decision is made. We are expected to make a decision in a maximum of 2 meeting and a max of 2 hours of total interaction with the other person. The courtship continues only if the decision is “YES”.
I just mentioned what situation I’m in, i don’t even know what particular question to ask.
Hi Anonymous (boy-honest guy),
Tough spot to be in! You maybe have to accept the fact that one day many people will come to know about your illness. So be ready for it!
I am only telling my gut feeling here – You seem a nice, practical and mature guy so good things will definitely happen to you destined by God here. Something right is destined for you, so just trust the Almighty.
You just continue being the right person you are!
Do let me know whenever you have some updates in life :). I would be very curious to know
hello.recently i met a guy.i am a doctor and he is also a doctor.we talked for 1 hour and it was well.the problem is with his look.he is not good looking and looks more aged than his actual age.i am constantly thinking about it.it is also bothering my psrents and brother a little bit.plz give me soma advice.thnx
Hi there,
To respect the privacy of my readers who comment, I am mentioning their name as Anonymous (girl) or Anonymous (boy)
Answering your doubt, it is difficult for a lady doctor to find a male doctor as her husband and too within your caste. So i believe you are left with very few options.
Now most importantly, I don’t think you should give too much importance to the looks of the guy. C’mon you both are anyways going to look old and fat after 15 years from now!
Yes…it is difficult to ignore the looks of the person in marriage, but as I mentioned in my blog as well – make a rate card and see how well the fares in the all other categories
e.g. Does he earn well? Yes
Is he good by nature? Yes
Is he broad minded and will he support me throughout? Yes/maybe
Is he good looking? total no
Is he better than all other doctors in your list? maybe yes
etc
etc
So if he does well in more than 7 out 10, then I think you should consider him.
Just in case, if his looks are really bad and you are really upset about it, then totally reject this proposal. Please don’t compromise and marry 🙂
Did my advice help? Do let me know if need further advice in any way?
thnx a lot..i have another question.we have talked 4/5 times over phone.problem is i dont feel anything.i dont feel bad but not exciting either.thinking of him as my husband does not thrill me.is it normal or is there some problem with me?
actually i never dated a guy.so marriage was like a dream to me..seeing him my heart will stop,there will be smile on my face..bla bla..but these are not happening to me..so i m confused..will i be ever in love with him?
Hi Anonymous (girl-doctor),
I totally understand when you haven’t dated anyone hence you are not aware of the exact filmy feelings like heart stopping, smile on face, etc.
Now this is the beauty of arranged marriage – you are given the license to fall in love in some person, whom don’t know well. BUT here it is little wrong to expect those filmy emotions to come through.
I guess you haven’t seen many prospects yet. This gentleman seems first of the few that you have seen. From all your 3 comments, I see that you aren’t excited about this particular prospect.
To speak on his behalf, he might be a shy guy who doesn’t talk much and cannot express himself well. But the main thing is to consider how many total points he has scored in the rate card that you created.
Lastly I personally feel that maybe you should let this prospect go off. You are an independent doctor and so is the this guy doctor prospect. You both might get better options in life. So maybe you can give this prospect a miss, as you must definitely feel some kind of excitement to talk or meet this guy. You can’t expect those filmy feelings, but you definitely deserve that little bit of excitement while speaking to him, eagerness to know more about him, striking little bit of rapport between him.
Trust your destiny here…it will take its own course which something very good for you.
It helps now?
thnx..actually he scored well in my rate card…. 🙂 so i am thinking to give it a try.then its all about destiny..but thank you.i never expected you would reply me so intimately..thnks a lot.
Thank you for advising through your blog. My parents are finding my life partner for…. rite now i am looking for job as well…… I still feel that boys have good looks and good figure in their priority… Will I be able to find some1 soon who will have all the in the last in the list of priority for good looks and figure?????
girls looks for every thing. handsome, good salary, good property in the guy. same thing boys should not look( as per our society culture)
some men do not want girls who is earning more than them i.e because women will dominate for everything.
If husband earns there will be no domination, but if wife earns 95% cases there will be domination.
And also since girls expecting everything high, boys should change the companies otherwise boys will not good salary.
there is lot of pressure on boys since everything boys should meet.
Boys never count on girl salary (they will not compare), boys never look for girl property.
good piece of advice which we generally don’t get
thnks .very matured advice
its really amazing and hope will be useful to many
100% agreed with what you say! Hats off to your analysis… All guys, i wish could think like you…. 🙂
According to my experience….
in our Indian culture…typically…. More than the guy.. His mother n sister are more keen to select or reject the girl…. Horoscope alwz comes in between… 99% of the ppl cannot understand the meaning of dat horoscope thing…. Mangal shani budh…. Kaalsarpayog…. All crap!!! Sometimes evn dat guruji is unable to explain whts wrong with dat horoscope.. 😉
No matter how open minded the girl has been…. In terms of guys education or his salary or his looks…. The male ego is always there. I’ll tell u an example… One guy i met… He had done Bcom… Mcom part1… Nt completed his post grad… At first i didn’t even notice it… I just looked for his stable job and good personality…and we had some good mutual friends who could assure us. It was good to talk to him….N so i said yes… Suddenly wht happend i dnt knw…His mom n his sister rejected after a month saying dat you are an engineer.. More qualified than our son…. So its nt good for our son! I was like… Wht the hell?? I never even showed dat kinda attitude… And more important…If we dont hv any prob…. Why r u creating differences?…. This is not onen… I hv got many such narrow minded examples….
I don’t say am a perfect girl…Even i might have misjudged guys. But atleast i hv got sm maturity to understand people. I have 2 elder brothers… We have never shown any disregard towards the girl before marriage and after marriage as well…. My bhabhis are really happy with us!
I agree with u…
tell me one thing ……have u done phd on subject called LIFE? 🙂
hats off for all your articles !!!!